The Master Coach classes-scam? or worthwhile? and does it matter?  it's not my money, my time.  If they think it helps, fulfills, motivates, energizes and they see positive results: better business, closer relationships, happier quality of life, isn't that what matters?  And isn't part of my icky thought process just jealousy?  That seems petty and small.  I could do that.  We have the money.  If I wanted to coach, I could.  Back to the ultimate question:  what do I want to do with my life?  Sometimes it feels like enough to enjoy each day-I have an amazing husband, we have a big, beautiful family, a lovely house in an area that still takes my breath away.  I have plenty of activities that fill my time:  the car pooling, house running, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry.  I have hobbies-reading, exercising, entertaining.  I try to spend time with girlfriends-coffee, book club, the occasional lunch.  I have a bit of volunteer work-at the kids' schools, Temple Solel.  I have the spare moment here and there-and I am drawn to the junk food of spending time:  celebrity gossip.  I did my "gossip fast" last fall and I did feel better. I was more reflective.  So now when I see that I'm overeating (and gaining a lot of weight) and spending time online I know that these are signs that I'm trying to distract myself from actually figuring out what's going on, or pain avoidance.  (which I clearly know doesn't work, and actually leads to MORE pain, not less).  I think it's time for another gossip fast.  And time to just sit back, breathe in this moment and figure out what I'm trying to avoid.

Yesterday at the Festival of Books I felt a combination of encouraged and disheartened.  There's part of me that feels like it's too late, I'm beyond the point of starting to write again, what do I possibly have to say?  And then I think-I was a good writer way back when.  I loved it.  I could love it again.  This "whole blogging thing"-I could jump on the band wagon and just go.  With what-I'm not sure.  Again, I feel old and not up on the new technology to create a "cool blog".   And at this point-just getting words on the page feels overwhelming enough without trying to add photos or make it look pretty.  I don't even know where to start.

I read some of the mothering blogs-and that doesn't particularly feel like me. I'm past the point of being a "new mom" and reflecting on what motherhood means.  I've been a mom for so long-and I don't feel all gooey and starstruck by the whole thing.   I've spanked, and said mean things in the heat of the moment, and checked on boarding schools.  I adore my kids beyond words-and I love them beyond reason.  But being a mother is now part of who I am and doesn't feel strange or like I'm trying on someone else's life.  Even though I've been a stay at home mother for over 15 years, I don't feel like it completely defines me either-so the blog can't just be that.

And the decorating/crafting/home making/recipes/entertaining?  Mixed in somewhere.  Thoughts on celebrity culture? Personal style?  Book reviews?  I hate to be confrontational or offend.

I feel like this is just such a reflection on my lack of "passions".  And then I'm back to where I started.  One foot in front of the other.  Deep breath.  Every journey begins with one step.  Any more cliches I could throw out there?  No one is going to do this for me.  If I want to write, or do "more" there's only one way to do it-and that's to just go ahead.  I don't want to overanalyze or be judge-y.  Just let it flow and see where it goes from here.