The book, Everything I Never Told You, was kind of amazing.  The way the author, Celeste Ng, was able to capture each character and their thoughts, struggles, backstory-the ways we hope for our children, the pressures we put on them-whether we say it out loud or not, our thoughts about our parents, the relationships between siblings, between parents and children, between a married couple.  Living vicariously through your children.  Of seeing what you want to see.  Or the things you see-what you make that mean.  When you've had painful experiences and you see your children going through the same thing.  Social issues.   Feeling like an outsider.

It made me think back to my parents trying to offer advice about my weight ("you're too sedentary", "not so many potatoes" and something about having boys like me if I was thinner-the exact words I have clearly blocked out-usually said by my dad, clearly put up to it by my mother and obviously a big topic of discussion between them) and how fucking horrible and decide-ly UNhelpful it was.  I do not blame them for this in anyway.  As a parent of teens when you see something that is clearly painful for your child and you're trying to "help" and "fix it" and since they're not three and you cannot make it better or control their behavior (not that you could at three either, that is a complete illusion that I learned beautifully from my daughter) and the only thing you can try is Words, Words, Words.  And your amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, hilarious, lovable child just hears criticism and judgment on top of what is CLEARLY a painful situation for them.  Because they are WELL aware that they are shy/socially awkward/should have more friends/overweight/not doing well enough in geometry/not attractive to the opposite sex.  And what they need is someone telling them that despite their feelings of inadequacy they are fucking AWESOME, and will be able to figure it all out in due time.  And again, I'm not resentful and bitter towards my parents, because I have done the same hideous thing, multiple times with multiple children.  That ends now.  They are wonderful, and the things they struggle with are things they will figure out.  They need encouragement not "helpful hints" or pointing out all the ways that they are deficient.  That's one of my biggest takeaways from this book.

Another sick day.  UGH.  What the heck?! 6th grade has been the year of illness for him.  Total drag. And even though he's old enough to be left alone for a bit, sleeps through the night, and I don't have to hold onto him-I still worry and fret a bit.  It's on my mind.  I need to work out-that will make me feel much better and not so yucky.

I feel stressed when he's sick.  Because? I feel annoyed that I lose my "free time" and have to keep doing the nursemaid thing and I'm not super nurturing and I feel guilty also that I can't be-"Oh, here's your tray and your vase with a flower and rest your weary head."  I was pretty much, "God dammit-you're sick AGAIN???!!!!!" (G: "Mom, you said the bad D word - money into the swear jar!")   It definitely doesn't encourage staying home unless you are truly miserable.  I'm hardcore-if you're skipping school it's because you have a fever, or had a fever last night, or something diagnosable (i.e. strep) or I've seen you throw up.  Just telling me you've puked does not cut it.

 I also may have a thought or two floating around that one of them will be the (odds WAY against) kid who goes from a slight cut on the finger to full on strep infection to death within days.  I know I'm a freak.  I do need to work on that a bit-because it's mentally exhausting to feel like any of us are steps away from death and total loss at every moment.