Hello Summer

I can't put it off any longer.  Summer is here.  I want to revel in it.  Enjoy my kids.  I only have TWO more summers before E goes off to college.  Why was I in such a rush to get past this??  To try and do something else besides this??  Craziness.  Do more of what you love and less of what you don't like.  That was one smack-me-upside-the-head post by Meadow.  Primary questions:  what am I looking forward to today?  what is something I can learn?  have fun with?  Not the icky "to do" list.  And standing in my truth?  I need to unravel this business venture stat.  I do NOT want to go into business with her.  I don't want to do this type of business.  If it had happened organically-a little personal organizing, a little helping out, and I had enjoyed it: awesome.  But it has not-and I don't want to spend time any more of my precious time networking, marketing or getting "out there" promoting.  I need to explain this to Stefan, get his blessing, and talk to her.  It's weighing me down.  I literally feel gross thinking about it.  The entire time I've had a weird feeling about it, about her-and I overrode my instincts by talking myself into it.  Is this one more thing I'm quitting?  Yes-because it's one more thing that I didn't fully think through, get a good gut check and go with.  It was a path of least resistance.  I sort of feel like I slept-walked into it.  Those are the things that later I wake up to and think, what the hell am I doing here?  Selling dictation equipment?  Working in an escrow office with a bunch of people who are one step away from blue collar workers?  Going to a college with about 25 people from high school so it's just an extension of Marin Catholic (which I hated)?  Dating who?  Living in Baltimore?  The decisions that I was fully engaged by:  dating Stefan, working at Olsten and then Basic American, moving to San Diego, converting to Judaism, having a big family, making friendships where I am truly myself, finding Brooke and everyone I've met from her and coaching, the whole coaching model-these are things where I feel awake, and energized, comforted, engaged-totally and completely true.  I am not going to whine or kvetch anymore about not doing "something else." I am going to enjoy each fucking day.  I am going to spin, and do weights, walk, work on my friendships, cook, write, spend time with my kids, devote time to Stefan, read, look for some volunteer work, maybe at Solel.   That's it.