Thoughts as summer winds down . . .

I'm having my usual pre-school freak out. Even though I have been saying it should be an easier year-down to 3 schools, no bar mitzvah prep, E has her license, A should have Mr. D. again-I have this underlying sense of "you never know .  .  ."  I'm a worrying freak-this I know.  No matter how I front.  Even though I appear to be a very calm and patient person-inside, not so much.  What if:  they all have awful years, E bombs her classes and her tests, A has weird social issues, B all of a sudden has the typical, awful middle school experience, G gets the "bad" teacher and hates kindergarten, all the OPE Lulu tennis playing Olivenhain bs mom crap, somebody has health issues, we have weird financial issues, I overcommit to Solel and end up doing stuff I hate, dealing with my parents & my bro, this fall we're pretty much going to have a month of houseguests.  Okay-and clearly I've had a lot of crappy thinking and acting going on for the last 6 weeks.  Why?  Punishing myself?  Trying to disappear so I don't have to interact?  What's the deal?  I feel like crap.  When I feel like crap I don't want to see people, I just want to hide out.  I had been doing a lot of social stuff-feeling like I was really starting to make good, solid friendships with people I truly enjoy (opposite of havurah social scene which just felt like I was filling my weekend).  So why would I be shutting down?  Because along with that can come weird drama (Solel) and interactions.  Sometimes I feel like it's easier to keep it superficial because there's less angst.  There's also less real connection-I recognize this.  Also-it was such a busy year, I was/am upset with my parents over the bar mitzvah, I was trying to hibernate in a sense.  Just zone out.  But all the stuff I was doing was the opposite of re-engergizing.  I know this rationally.  Eating crap food and not moving my body, drinking too much, procrastinating on getting the house/myself pulled together, not really dealing with the kids and Stefan-it digs me deeper into a hole.  And even though I recognized it, instead of bouncing back-I accelerated the process.  I pushed myself further down.  Ugh.  It's this seriously shitty cycle that I can't seem to break free from.  I guess the highways in my brain are so ingrained with this crap-it's what I always revert to.  Even though I have had so much coaching.  Even though I know about turnarounds.  (of course knowing them and doing them are two DIFFERENT things).  Even though I see myself very clearly doing it-buying the snack foods I'll binge on, charging the iPad to lay on the coach, obsessively checking those celeb gossip sites.  I started it also when I realized I was losing weight in the late spring.  It freaked me right out.  Because ????????????  In my mind when I look healthy and strong and feel energetic and my best-I radiate good energy, I draw people to me and that's scary?  I feel vulnerable? I'll need to do "more" and have to "get out there" and that's scary?  Because ???  this is the crux of it.  this is what I need to discover and work through.  is it the same old middle school bullshit?  my family crap?  I'm so sick of being defined by a few emotionally disturbed kids, a fragile mother, and my quivering sense of self.  UGH.  Enough.  NO-clearly it's not "enough".  It's still there and they are old, ingrained beliefs and thoughts that I need to attack head on each and every time.  They are not going to go away.  I need to actively practice turnarounds so these things don't snowball.