Sunday morning reflections

I went on the iPhone podcast app and subscribed to a whole bunch of podcasts.  So far what I've heard is okay.  I loved Hollywood Housewife's blog-which now, sadly, she's given up-but I don't know about the podcasts.  There was some Jesus in there-so clearly not my thing-the woman who runs the show is okay (she's no Diane Rehm) and so I'm not sure how much of these I'm going to listen to.  They're kind of filler.  I love the idea of them.  It reminds me of radio shows-so I feel a nostalgic pull towards them.  I see myself puttering around the kitchen listening with half an ear.  And half listening for some of these "lighter" shows is probably fine.  But is it more worthwhile than the things I'm trying to pull away from?  The draw of the celeb gossip, the home decor, the style blogs? If I'm just replacing one silly thing for another?  What do I "get" out of that?  And how much time do I have for several podcasts?  The thing I enjoy about reading the blogs is that it's quick eye candy.  Of course there's a difference too between a few minutes of "catch up" with my morning coffee, or while I'm waiting for pasta water to boil at 5:30pm and spending what amounts to hours over a day at home avoiding something (a task, a feeling).

I've felt super closed off from people this week-some weird combo of having K & F here and feeling annoyed and cranky, G's social issues at school-either real or perceived by me   when he's just hanging on me at drop off and then says he does the swings alone at recess, S getting ready to leave tomorrow for the week, the insurance weirdness, my hair (I know.  But when I first get it colored I can't wash it for a few days-no gym-grumpy me.), trying to get everyone back on the school schedule after 2 weeks off-it's a lot of yuck.  And then there's the shame of feeling like other people can handle all this (so much 1st world problem) without flipping out-why can't I?  My signs of Crazy Town Thoughts: snacky eating-buttered popcorn, bowls of chocolate chips & peppermint chips, crackers with sliced cheese, whitefish salad on crackers, almost no servings of vegetables,  very little water, no 'real' exercise.  And what do I make this mean? Do I make this mean that I'm "slipping"?  Going down the same path as always leading me to larger sizes and general malaise?  No-of course not.  I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling sad, and then adding shame and more violence to the mix.  Sometimes you let your thoughts run away unchecked.  Sometimes you feel like shit and just don't feel like trying to examine why.  You just feel awful.  And maybe that's okay. You're not the Dalai Lama.  Just because you've figured out your triggers and know that you need to work your thoughts-sometimes it just feels hard.  Maybe you can just say-it was a tough week and have that be enough.  Now-where you are-go forward.  Do the things today that you know will make your body feel good (fuel food, water, exercise) and your mind feel good (journaling, quiet meditation, thought dump, pick one thing and do some turnarounds).  Treat yourself like you've been unwell and are trying to ease back into your life-you'd get lots of rest, you'd be gentle with your expectations of how much you could do, you'd be kind to yourself if you felt like you were relapsing-you'd pay MORE attention to yourself, not less.