hello august monday

Just spent 20 minutes "window" shopping and putting things in carts only to think "why? i'm going no where and have gained weight so i won't be happy with how anything looks anyway." Ouch. I saw a tv ad for some new depression medication and i thought-huh, i do seem to have some of those symptoms.  whatever. i wish i could feel respite when i lay down on my bed in the afternoons and evenings-that used to give me this feeling of "ahhhhh". and now it doesn't, which makes me even more anxious and bummed out. like i can't get away from the feelings of impending doom and gloom. i keep trying. i keep trying with sweets. i keep trying with a cocktail-which has gone from maybe once a week at the start of the pandemic to now four nights a week. like something to "celebrate" or look forward to. and it completely does not work for any more than the time i'm eating/drinking. then i'm right back to where i started. which is fucking covid, the fucking administration, our miserable world, i can't see my parents, i'm angry that other people are still going on vacation/seeing their friends and family (sometimes with masks and sometimes not), i always liked instagram for the "fun" stories but now seeing other people not socially distancing on it is making me feel even more isolated, i'm worried about school for the boys, i'm scared A's severe anxiety will come back, i stress that one of us will end up getting the virus and it will have catastrophic results, i stopped exercising and doing yoga and meditating-i kept thinking it would make me feel better. which i guess in those moments they did-but then i'm still here in the midst of this fucking pandemic with no end in sight. What do you know from the thousands of dollars you have spent on coaching programs over the years? Thoughts cause my feelings. My feelings are what create my reality. Okay. Deep breaths. I can't change covid. I can't change other people's behaviors.  I can only create my own thoughts about all of it.  Everyone is doing the best they can.  I am doing the best I can. when this started i thought i could ninja mind work myself into the best physical and emotional shape ever-all the yoga, and meditation and family togetherness and cleaning schedules and i was making Meals, and doing everything i could think of for us to set a tone of fun and harmony.  that level of "perfect" is not sustainable. i need to keep the house together, i need to grocery shop and feed people. i need to exercise and meditate and do yoga to try and give me a semblance of feeling like myself. this will end. we will get through this. i need to put down my fucking phone. that is leading me down into the pits of hell-between the shitty news, and covid rates and polls and seeing other people travel to florida or hang with their parents.