What kinds of things could you write about? Places to go, things to do with your kids. I used to think being a hotel concierge would be cool, or a kids/family concierge somewhere. I'm passed that now for sure. Which brings me to another thing-I used to think that having a baby/small kids was the absolute pinnacle. I was so excited about all of it-from maternity clothes to baby gear-to the actual baby/preschooler. I thought that being 30 was probably just IT. Also-prior to that, the 20something post college, wear great clothes and go out with your girlfriends stage was wonderful to. I paid careful attention during those stages to anyone I saw out also at similar stages or right above me--how did they look? what were they wearing? how did my outfit stack up against there? (Oy vey.) And I couldn't imagine that being 20-35 wasn't the absolute best time of your entire life and that those women were always who I aspired to. And do you know something-now that I'm 51-I don't notice them AT all. I mean-I think, oh, young mom with baby. But I don't look at the kid, or the baby gear, or what the mom really looks like, or wonder about her life in any way. I just think, young mom, btdt, moving on to other thoughts. Part of my crying years ago when we finally took the crib down (and part of why I had so many kids and they're so spaced out in ages) is I could not imagine my role as anything other than Young Mom. Not that I've rebranded myself as something real either (I jokingly call myself Old Mom or Type B Mom) but I'm at peace with letting that part of my life go. And beyond just grieving, and being content, I actually love the stage we're at. I like that my teens are busy and funny and smart-and their surliness and occasional curtness-is balanced out by G's sweetness and still wanting to snuggle. I have built in babysitters. There's only a very occasional time where I have to scramble for childcare or carpool help. This is just a wonderful, unexpected, time of my life.

Room Mom Drama!

Wow-what a great way to test me.  Put a group of "popular" girls in my class, have them want something I asked to do (Room Mom), get denied, freak out!  These women were never going to be my friends.  But they're a clique-and I totally have my issues with cliques.  G is not going to be friends with their kids.  So on the one hand, I'm bemused and feel like they're pathetic.  (Really-on the email we were addressed as "Room Moms" instead of our names-lololol).  On the other hand-I hate when I think people don't like me or are upset with me.  I feel bad for J.  Because she was friends with them and they're being ridiculous and giving her a hard time.  Betrayal! Cover-ups! Friendship! These women need jobs or actual problems if they're going to be upset over this.  How insane are they?!  What is the adult thing for me to do?  I'm going to host this event with J.  We are going to come up with sign-up sheets and I'm going to ask the working moms if they want to sign up prior to opening it up to the brunch.  And if the clique is upset and doesn't come to my house-awesome!  I'm happy to do the parties with the nice moms.  I don't feel a big need to walk up to school and hang out anymore.  Although maybe G wants me to.  If we didn't have this stupid street with no crosswalk and the insane drivers, I would completely let him walk home alone too.  Maybe I'll just hang out in front and help cross the street.  That would work.  I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life.  HIS elementary school is not MY life.  

Will we get everything done before she leaves? No.  Are there stores and Amazon Prime?  Yes.  Is she capable of figuring it all out for herself?  Yes.  Stay in your own lane.  You're not the one who's going off-you did that already.  Stop flipping out.  I am so going to miss her-and the reality is she's never going to live here again.  She will come back for a few summers, and her breaks-but that will be it.  And when she's asking about maybe coming home at Thanksgiving-and you had to say no: cost/time-I know it's not to see us, it's to see her friends.  That's a crazy realization.  But I know it's completely normal.  It would not be good if she couldn't leave us.  She's an adult now with her own friends. (And to be honest, having one fewer person in the house to be responsible for is actually really appealing.)  I'm trying to focus on that rather than being sad that this part of my life is over: it's like when we took down the crib.  Yes-we will never have all 4 kids home other than a vacation or a school break.  Things are definitely going to be different.  But I don't want to be pining for it.  I loved it.  (Most of it.)  It's not like I have any serious regrets.  I remember when she was a baby and I had playgroup friends who couldn't wait for their child to be onto the next stage: walking or talking or potty trained. I NEVER felt that way.  I never was wishing the time away-I was fully in that moment.  I need to acknowledge that-I fully wanted the big family and the chaos and the mess.  I am so fortunate that I was able to have what I wanted more than anything else.  Now we're moving on.  And that's good too.  I am so excited for her to go to her dream school in her dream city and see what amazing things she does.

I feel such a mix of emotions about E going off to college.  I think I felt more sad months ago with the realization that it's really the end of an era.  (And she was anxious and stressed and hanging out more and needing my support-it's totally changed in the last few months.)  Our family is going to be so different.  We've had all of these different versions of us-from the newlyweds on the move, to the couple with the baby, to a family of 4, to us with 3 kids and now almost 8 years with G.  And with each of these versions I have these pictures in my head: the young couple, madly in love about to take off across country, then with E in Bmore-some adorable little outfit on-in our townhouse in Owings Mills; then in the South Road house and all its leafy, humid, splendor-with the 2 of them on playing on my bed "Make your super baby muscles.  Say it loud, say it proud: I'm a baby"; and then it's fall at the Milkshake concert at the BMA with E, B and baby A-and I'm crying because I'm so happy; and Friday night dance parties with everybody, and a Starbucks somewhere in Pennsylvania with someone remarking on how beautiful they all are, and trips to Disneyland and Universal and WDW.  And now? She's ready to move on with her life-and I remember so clearly what that was like.  I couldn't wait to begin with college, and career, and new friends, and romances and travel-so I can only hope for her that she's all in and ready to experience it all.   And our family is moving on to unknown territory.  Before I was kind of dreading it because what I have had: the big, wonderful family with lots of babies and little people, is all over-and that was all I wanted when I was younger.  Now I have to create new dreams, and new plans-and while I had been anxious and sad and unsure-I'm actually really getting excited.  I'm looking on the bright side-what can be great about having older kids, fewer kids to contend with, what do we want to do as a couple, what do I want to do myself.

In the book I've been reading to G, the main character is a composer who spends his days at his piano writing music.  The author describes how his process involves listening outside of himself, and also listening INside himself.  G was asking what that meant.  So we tried it together:  we were sitting on my bed and had the windows open-and we stopped speaking, listened to the sounds and then described them to each other: the wind rustling the trees, birds tweeting, the traffic sounds cascading up the canyon.  Listening to the inside of ourselves was a little more difficult to explain-I said it was being very quiet, closing your eyes and listening to your thoughts as they come up.  For me-lately-what is coming up are just checklists: get so and so here or there, call, email, text, pick up, don't forget.  All that minutia (while certainly important to the functioning of our family) is definitely not what the author was talking about.  Listening to yourself on a deeper level means confronting things that are difficult, but also things that are joyful.  When I spend my time running around, or just at my computer looking at celebrity gossip and filler (FB, news, emails) I am not actively engaged in my life in a meaningful way.  And unfortunately this seems to be how I do summer.  I look forward to my time "off"-I'm always so thankful that school comes to a close-in theory it's more laid back, less run around, and more "fun".  But the reality is that the weird schedule throws me off, I don't end up taking care of myself, we still don't have the time to do the "fun stuff," the kids have too much togetherness and fight, and the amount of screen time we all spend makes me cranky.

Cyber bullying. Ugh.  Well-4 kids, and in this world, it had to come up eventually.  My initial feelings are mama bear:  I want to find this kid and let him have it.  I also want to tell his mother that she needs to fucking parent and pay attention to what her kid is doing.   What have I done so far?  (besides immediately eat 2 chocolate chip cookies).  I asked A questions, and I was calm about it.  I said, oh he sounds like a jerk.  We checked his instagram account, but it was private.  I looked to see if the family is in the directory, but for better or worse, they're unlisted, and I don't know them.  I emailed the teacher to tell her-and we're going from there.  I will not fixate or freak out or get angry or cuckoo.  I'm going to be calm and act like we're handling it.  Done.  Boom.

Day 2.  No word back from the principal who the teacher referred this to.  I also haven't heard back from her on a separate email where I asked to have him moved so he's not sitting next to this kid.  However, despite my telling the older kids to not do anything, B started a fictitious instagram account to follow this kid and then saw the pic (which was mean but not awful) and reported it to be taken down.  E went beyond that and reported the kid for harassment.  I have to hand it to them:  they give A a hard time a LOT, but if anyone else messes with him-look out-they are ON IT.  We then had some great, funny conversations about bullying, teasing back and some seriously OTT come backs over dinner with the 6 of us and my parents (who relayed their own stories of being teased and bullied and even beaten up in my dad's case).  I think the whole thing ended up being positive and sort of matter of fact.

Dragging my ass through these last weeks of school-in no particular order:  all of sudden:  PROM-dress shopping, makeup, watching hair videos and oh-need shoes, and need a salad for Saturday night.  From the same child:  I need 100 paper plates in an hour.  Child number 2: volunteer hours? how many?  how to get them quickly-let us schlep you around to do this.  Late pickup after school-I heard 4, he says he told me 4:30, and still kept me waiting until 4:45.  Tonight a concert.  Tomorrow night a school event to be attended.  Child #3-the fight where I then had to have a conversation with the kid's mother, the toga for tomorrow morning, "I need rope tomorrow morning", oh by the way-it's 10pm and I totally forgot about my math homework."  Then I get to watch them all perform in Greek plays for AN HOUR AND A HALF.  Surely they could pick the best one that's 10 minutes?  Really?  We have to sit through all of them???  Child #4-just baseball: practice, the last game, the party at Chik fil A.  Oh and MEALS.  And then this weekend-the bat mitzvah-everyone get dressed up, be there on time.  Lunch there.  Come home-change clothes.  Help E get ready for Prom.  Get us all redressed up-me formal-for the party.  Sunday school-last one, praise God, but treats of some sort??  Finish the damn Science Board and project.  G: birthday party.  Then hike??  Bring a veggie tray. And dinner?? Ay Yi Yi.   Next week is the same Crazy Town Express.  THREE BIRTHDAY PARTIES.  THREE THINGS TO BAKE FOR.