Relationships

I've been thinking a lot about relationships-friendships to be exact.  When I was kid I did not have a huge circle of friends.  I had some "family friends" like Tina and the Malfattis and then-most importantly in middle & high schools-the Farrells.  I had school friends-the Coleman girls.  Laurie was a true and loyal friend from 3rd grade on.  Jeanette had been my best friend in 1st and 2nd grades-and she managed to kind of bully me and drop me. I had a very small circle in middle school.  And I was mean-girled by Andrea, and then Victoria Hoffman.  Freshman year at SRHS was a bit of a reprieve. But high school (MC) was awful for that.  I had Lisa, and the weird girls, during sophomore year.   Then we made a conscious effort to social climb-and ended up with a nice group of shy, quiet girls who also wanted to be "popular."  In a supreme bit of karma, Lisa dropped me for a more "in" group.  College I had a very small group of friends.  It really wasn't until I started working that I came into my own.  I had work friends, my old college friends-I felt confident and fun.  And then?  We moved away into the Black Hole that is Baltimore, I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of provincial, insulated, cliquey women (both the Jews and the Christians) and my self confidence took a huge hit.  I clung to my playgroup-the majority of women I truly would not have ever been friends with prior to having a baby.  Then Howard County-I was so happy to have all my neighborhood girls to hang out with.  But it wasn't until we got here to San Diego that I feel like I really have hit my groove.  What are the tricks? Being open.  Being vulnerable.  Being visibly excited to spend time with them.  Making it a priority.  Reaching out all the time:  texting, FB, calls, lots of get togethers.  Keeping up with a wide circle of people.  What has been hugely helpful?  Letting go of the idea that every part of their life has to fit mine: husbands like each other, kids get along, we need to do ABC.  Also-and this is has been key:  I am so much more relaxed.  I don't have that desperate, needy feeling about who I'm spending time with, how much time we're spending together.  I've gotten rid of that needing to have a BFF feeling.  Part of that is as the kids get older, I feel more relaxed.  I know how little is under my control.  It's not the immediate, in the trenches kind of mothering.  So I don't have the same need to "get out" or vent.  And what I'm going to talk about is not the minutia of life with small children.  As a result, I'm actually talking to other women about things other than sleep schedules, potty training, someone's croupy cough-Lord, that was so boring.  (And I say that as a devoted stay at home mom of 4 kids who loved the whole baby/toddler stage).  Lisa asked me the other day if I'd cycled through friends since I've been here.  And I've really been thinking about that . .  .  I don't think I really have.  I was so busy when we first got here-and I liked going for coffee with Kimberly and Aalia.  But I didn't click with the other ME moms, so it wasn't like I dropped anyone.  We also had our little neighborhood playgroup-and lo and behold, I'm with some of them again because of kindergarten starting.  Other than that-I still see Kim, but just not as much.  Our families are in a season of busyness-so it's not the same.  I loved that time-and I appreciated every moment.  Maybe with Jami?  But we're still so tied together because of the havurahs, Solel.  I never felt like she was my BF although I know she felt that way about me.  But I don't have the time for that.  There's no one I want to talk to everyday other than Stefan!  I have some really great friends that I feel close to-but I also need my space.  That's probably a big difference too-I recognize that I don't need to talk to someone constantly.  I find that exhausting.  And I've felt that since we were here, and I lived it-which has been great.