It's amazing how a long, hard workout can give you back to yourself.  My circumstances are all the same-still don't know what's going on with dad, had a bad morning with A, didn't finish my book club book-hah.  But I now feel present, and with it, and acknowledge it, and am not churned up and anxious and fretting.  I can breathe through it.  I can feel it.  And I can get through it.  Yuck morning to kick things off, and then such a nice conversation with Kathleen.  She said the nicest things about us, our family-and it made us both cry-especially after such a rough afternoon and suck-fest of a morning.  Focus on that for a few minutes.  Acknowledge what a great family we are-and how other people see that.  So NOT perfect-but really trying to just be authentic and kind and fun and inclusive. We stumble along, but we're definitely a unit.  I hope our kids are able to draw from that-and it gives them strength when things are (invariably) tough.  I pray that we're demonstrating love and kindness and friendship, and working through things.

The ordinary day

I took out a book by Brooke that I've had for a few years.  I remember I read through it when I got it-I even have some sentences highlighted.  But there is so much to it-and as she says-it should be more of a workbook rather than sitting and reading over it in one sitting.  I wrote down a few quotes this week-one of which had to do with appreciating an "average" day and realizing how magnificent it is.  I just thought about my random Thursday and jotted down all kinds of observations about the kids, and S.  It was truly crazy how grateful and in love with my family I could feel-and how it kind of rolls over me, and of course makes me cry because I realize how blessed I am.  That the ordinary days are not ordinary at all.  When I take a few minutes and notice each thing, the love and humor and fun, and noise and quibbling and the smiles-I am overwhelmed with how lucky I am.  How my days are filled with love and beauty-even a day when I am just shuttling everyone to school and activities, and supervising homework, and trying to get a few meals on the table, along with getting some exercise, and connecting with my girlfriends, and hanging out with S.

My meltdown

Wow-meltdown city yesterday afternoon.  What was THAT about??  Let's see-having to drive down to SD airport in a torrential downpour, then turn around and drive back-plus knowing I'd have to get up at 4:45 this morning to do a return trip: driving in the dark and in rain-my favorite.  The whole dinner thing for NINE people last night when I just wasn't in the "mood" and had no ideas, and no time, was bumming me out.  The A homework/time management or lack thereof is sending me over the edge.  He's stressed about it-I'm stressed about having to manage his time and be directing him.  I think in 6th grade he should be totally responsible, is not and it's freaking me out.  The older 2 were totally handling their own stuff at this point with rare exception-so when he clearly does NOT have a handle on it worries me. And that he immediately defaults to crying when he's confronted with a challenging situation.  I know I need to be coaching and not yelling (hello, not managing stress well as an example) but it's also freaking me out.  Again-I think counseling might help with that-but I know S is opposed.  On the plus side, his twitchy tic seems to be practically gone-yay.  And the M situation seems to have been resolved.  I am just having a really tough time with him.  And what else?  My baby is so clearly not a baby.  He's been way more defiant which is an unhappy shock.  And so not snuggley so I'm mourning that too.  I am worried about my dad-but a health thing.  And the whole aging thing with them is really hitting me-and making me sad.  What else?  Hmmm.  The whole E college thing:  OY VEY.  It's fricking nuts how introspective they expect these 17 year olds to me-and then to write it up in a cohesive, interesting format is just over the top.  We did NOT have to go to these lengths-it's absurd.  And we as parents have to write up a short essay for her counselor!  Jeez-it's not enough that we have to hold their hands through this insane process, pay for it, we also have to write an essay??!!!!!  The tracking of hours for activities-it's ridiculous.  And that it drags on for months, besides having to keep up their grades in challenging classes-ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Plus-and it's not a small thing-I keep thinking, LAST time:  last time to be all together for the Jewish holidays, last time she's home when I'm putting the Halloween decorations up (and I have all of these memories of her being a little girl and helping me with them), last time we're all together for G's birthday-I want to cry all the time, but I need to keep it together.  I don't want her to feel guilty or sad-and I don't want to drag everyone else down rather than enjoying our time together.  Because truth is-you never know how much time we all have together NO MATTER WHAT.  And that makes me sad.  And I can't even blame it on PMS, because it's over.   So pretty much, I'm feeling stressed and sad.  And not acknowledging it, not processing it-trying to just be mad at myself or "chin up"-it's going to erupt in weird ways.  Clearly I'm not overeating to numb out-but I'm getting mad, and feeling anxious.  Not healthy.  For anyone.  So much swirling around. I don't even know where to turn it around.  Okay-the E thing.  Do you know it's the last time she'll be around for the holidays?  No.  Do I have a guarantee on how we're all frozen in time?  No-of course not.  Life changes, evolves, how it is now is not how it will be later.  Might there be special moments for all of us together in the future? Yes.  Does it make you enjoy what's right in front of you when you're worried that it's slipping away? Absolutely not.  Will you have more wonderful times?  Yes.  Things that you cannot even imagine.  Did I think that I would enjoy having older kids and teens?  Hell, no.  I was SO focused on the baby/toddler/little person stage as being the end all be all.  And was it great?  Parts of it-sure.  But there were plenty of tough parts too that I did not expect.  So mourning it passing or changing it doesn't make you appreciate what you have right in front of you.  I need to focus on her.  Be the parent here.  My job is to support her-and our family-it's not to drag her and everyone else down being sad that she's getting older and that my idealized vision of how our family should be is evolving.  I need some thoughts to focus on here.  Our family life is changing.  I need to be working on ME-so I can be okay and fulfilled.  She is going off to do great things.  The best way I can help her is to assist in prepping for that and being excited for her.  Being a young adult was way more fun than being a kid or a teen.  I think she'll find the same thing.  She's off to find out what she likes, develop friendships, have romances, explore the world.  The best thing I can do is show her to embrace all that's in front of her with open arms-not hang back and getting dragged forward by momentum.  Right???  YES.  It's an amazing time!!!!!  Okay-moving on to A.  Agenda book.  We need to figure out working his thoughts.  Deep breaths.  (Physician heal thyself-hah)  What is the plan?  What are the steps?  Being mad and punitive is NOT helpful.  And G?  I need to work on my patience.  He does need to do things on his own.  How cool is it to see him boogie boarding??  Swimming?  What can I do to help myself work on embracing my own life?  Continue with the exercise and healthy eating.  And my "Happy list".  I got a little bit away from that during my parents' visit.  And honestly the houseguest thing (as happy as I was to have them here) is still tough-despite their being helpful and fairly unobtrusive.  It's that many more people to make dinner for-and on a night like last night (especially since that unexpected airport trip sucked up a huge part of my day) I just couldn't deal.  Maybe because it was their last night too.  And I think I'm also stressed about hosting this ginormous party here on Saturday night.

Rosh Hashanah

I love that the Jewish high holy days are in the fall.  Maybe it's because the New Year always seems to be the start of school in September (now August-oy) or that my birthday is in October-but I always feel like life restarts in the fall.  I don't know how much reflecting I've been doing-especially over the last week as my parents have been here and it was G's birthday yesterday too.  I've kind of let my notebook-especially the meditation portion-fall by the way side.  I need to get back to it-because it really does help me stay sane and centered.  I've been doing a huge amount of walking and exercise, and eating paleo-ish, so that is making my body feel good.

What have been the highlights of this past year?  I think everyone had great experiences at school last year, and felt happy and secure.  And even if B didn't love school-he didn't dislike it-and he was so excited about starting high school he was able to focus on that.  When my kids are overall happy it's all good for me.  I think I underestimate good health too-like Thank God we are healthy.  Especially when I think about Libby losing her battle with cancer last week, and that friend of Lori's.  Lori put up an especially poignant Thorton Wilder quote from Our Town yesterday:  "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?"  We had some really wonderful trips last year:  our fall trip up the coast was wonderful, spring break in Chicago and summer visit to Bmore and DC.  We had lots of family visits-so the Loren Hotel was in full swing.  All the cooking I did-dabbling in catering (and deciding it's too much for me to contemplate right now) and entertaining.  I did a lot of volunteering last year-and have scaled back significantly.  Also friendships that needed more "pruning".  I have been more aware of how I'm spending my time and with whom.  I like being home.  I like being by myself.  I like hanging with just S and the kids.  I'm kind of returning to that.  Not sure if that's a "permanent" thing, or a season-but I am scaling way back.

September 12th: The Day After

What I remember most about the day after 9/11 was how quiet everything seemed.  No planes in the sky.  I had the tv on nonstop-but the one up in our bedroom because I didn't want the kids to see it-so I kept running upstairs to watch.  I remember all the signs that went up in the parks in NYC with pictures of people who were missing; the train stations in Connecticut and New Jersey filled with the cars of NYC workers who never returned; the recorded voices of people who were trapped in the WTC leaving messages on their family's answering machines; all the phone calls we made and received from friends and family checking in.  Everyone put up American flags-on lawns, we had a photo pasted to our front door of the flag that was in the Baltimore Sun.  Going to High Holy Day services and they played America the Beautiful and the Star Spangled Banner, and everyone cried.  Then the next month going up to NYC with Stefan for a few days when he worked there.  I remember going into a fire station in the city and signing a condolence book.  I was on Fifth Avenue in front of St. Patricks's for a funeral of some firefighters.  There were two huge engines parked in front with an American flag draped between.  Bag pipes were playing Oh Danny Boy and Amazing Grace.  The streets were packed-bike messengers, business men, society women-and you could have heard a pin drop:  we all just stood there, in silence, facing the cathedral.  It became a touch point for our generation-where were you when it happened?  It's changed so many things-the way we travel, our civil liberties, our perception of our safety anywhere.   I hope never, ever to experience such a thing in my lifetime.  

TGIF, baby!

As happy as I always am to reach Friday, I truly feel wiped out every Friday afternoon.  If I'm going to lay on bed and read celebrity gossip and snack-even if I haven't done that or missed it all the rest of the week, Friday afternoon:  there I am.  I always feel this curious mix of exhaustion, relief that the school week is over, elation for whatever "free" time I now have.  I rarely schedule activities on Friday afternoon to reserve it for "R & R".  But in an interesting twist, the binging on snacky foods and celeb gossip make me feel like crap and I don't feel regenerated or happy.  I feel gross.  So how can I shake this up?  Today I scheduled the boys each a tennis lesson, and then we're picking the big kids up at school.  I will have to make dinner for them, and then S & I are going out for dinner with H & I, which I am definitely looking forward to.  So I'm not giving myself the afternoon to veg.  Is that the answer?  More activities?  Maybe :/  Somehow the anticipation of nothing to do is always better than the reality.  (If the reality equals binging on rice crackers & reading about the Affleck/Garner divorce).  Okay-that's the issue. I've managed to find time for myself that feels good to my body and soul the rest of the week.  I need to reframe Friday afternoons.  Friday Fun Day indeed.  I do need to acknowledge making it through the week of activities/homework/projects/driving kids/meltdowns/making breakfast & lunches & dinners.  I need a way to celebrate that actually feels good, not icky.

Scaling Back

I've scaled way back on my volunteer commitments.  I will be helping with Art in G's class, but that's once a month, and I'm scheduled for only 2-3 times to work in his class thru December.  I assume they'll have class parties and I'll be able to go in then.  But other than that-I'm turning everything else down right now.  Maybe later I'll miss it or feel like it's important.  But honestly-did spending time at Sisterhood events help anyone?  No-I just did it because J guilted me into it and I felt like it was good for me, or proved that I have "things to do".  I'm not going to get pulled into stuff at the Temple unless it's more Social Action.  If people want to be connected they can step out of their comfort zone and do something.  Part of my thing was to try and facilitate that.  I don't care right now.   I don't feel like arguing with Ellen, or trying to create a program for people to meet, or help with the environment.  I'm one person-I can't change the culture or make people participate.  If I get to the point where I feel like we need more Jewish connection we'll maybe join JC.  For right now, I want to spend time with who we enjoy and take care of my family and myself.  I don't need the calendar to be filled to the brim with activities.  I'm scaling back on the social thing too.  Only people we want to be with.  I feel sort of bad articulating it, but I'm happier without her in my life on a regular basis.  She's too much drama and exhausting.  The kids are not nice.  My kids don't miss them either.  I don't need to get into the vortex of complaining, and issues and eighty million things going on.  I like the simpler life.  I want this to be a great last year with the 6 of us at home.  That is my highest priority.  It means I will cultivate time for us doing things we enjoy.  When I think back to how we lived in Maryland, we had very few friends-we spent a lot of time with my parents and my brother, but there was something easy, comforting, nice and simple about that.  Our family life was definitely the center.  E was saying how she has no happy memories of Waverly, and that is kind of heartbreaking.  But she said our family life was always wonderful and we always did really fun things-so that made me feel really happy to hear.  That was something I could control.  I do like having a variety of people in my life but I don't need the frenetic pace of the last few years.  And going forward, our family dynamic is about to really change-I'm kind of girding myself for that-but also can appreciate there will be something really nice about that too.  G is a really wonderful person-and he's the one we will be spending the most alone time with.  And I can see us doing a lot with him.    What can we do this year to make it fun and memorable?  What are things that E likes to do?  She likes us just hanging out at home without a ton of people here.  She loves Disneyland.  She had mentioned Balboa Park before.  More Torrey Pines hikes?  Yesterday morning was great-all of us at the Y.  Of course if we make our life too E-centered she may not want to leave!!!!  There needs to be some element of wanting to get the hell away from us-that's a natural desire in the late teenaged years.  And really, it's to be encouraged.  You don't want them living with us forever and being so dependent on us-that's not emotionally healthy either.  They're supposed to move out and move on.  There's some kind of quote about mothering-like if you're doing what you're supposed to, you're working your way out of a job.  They need to take on more and more responsibility for their own lives.  It's gradual but it's important.

I have been on a self care mission for one month.  I have my journal with my checklist of things for myself, and for the day.  I do think that it's helping me keep things in perspective-particularly the gratitude section where I need to pick new, specific things-I find that really easy to do.  I also like the Doubler of taking 2 minutes to think (with details) about something wonderful that's happened.  Also-the reminder to meditate and even if I don't get to that-the 2 minute breathe.  The nutritious food (primarily paleo) and lots of exercise-giving me more energy, fewer weird stomach issues.  All the water-I think my skin is looking better.  I also appreciate the things that don't relate to my body-the Conscious Act of Kindness-I don't just do the email/text, but I also include verbally saying things or going out of my way to be kind.  I also like the intellectual challenge of Duolingo.  That was a "new thing" that I've incorporated into my list of daily activities.  I think I've been calmer and happier.  Because I'm staying on top of things (i.e. bills) and I was making a lot of head way on my "Project List" during summer I'm not feeling so out of control and then as a result, cranky.

Why I continue to read the FIAR forums even though I haven't used the curriculum in 8 years and only homeschooled for 2 1/2 years:

I like learning about their lives.  These women, for the most part, are so different than me.  For the most part, they're conservative and very Christian.  But they're kind, and family oriented, and educated.  They're not rigid or extreme.  I find it a way to understand how other people think-they're anti-abortion, pro-gun, anti-big government.  But when I read about their everyday lives, their struggles, their families, I see how their opinions are formed, why they feel the way they feel.  There are no debates or big discussions about why they hold the stances they do-so it's a low impact way of understanding their views.

The older I get the more I see the world in grays-but I also understand the appeal of seeing things in black and white:  it seems simple, easier.  There are good guys and bad guys.  There's right and wrong.