My meltdown

Wow-meltdown city yesterday afternoon.  What was THAT about??  Let's see-having to drive down to SD airport in a torrential downpour, then turn around and drive back-plus knowing I'd have to get up at 4:45 this morning to do a return trip: driving in the dark and in rain-my favorite.  The whole dinner thing for NINE people last night when I just wasn't in the "mood" and had no ideas, and no time, was bumming me out.  The A homework/time management or lack thereof is sending me over the edge.  He's stressed about it-I'm stressed about having to manage his time and be directing him.  I think in 6th grade he should be totally responsible, is not and it's freaking me out.  The older 2 were totally handling their own stuff at this point with rare exception-so when he clearly does NOT have a handle on it worries me. And that he immediately defaults to crying when he's confronted with a challenging situation.  I know I need to be coaching and not yelling (hello, not managing stress well as an example) but it's also freaking me out.  Again-I think counseling might help with that-but I know S is opposed.  On the plus side, his twitchy tic seems to be practically gone-yay.  And the M situation seems to have been resolved.  I am just having a really tough time with him.  And what else?  My baby is so clearly not a baby.  He's been way more defiant which is an unhappy shock.  And so not snuggley so I'm mourning that too.  I am worried about my dad-but a health thing.  And the whole aging thing with them is really hitting me-and making me sad.  What else?  Hmmm.  The whole E college thing:  OY VEY.  It's fricking nuts how introspective they expect these 17 year olds to me-and then to write it up in a cohesive, interesting format is just over the top.  We did NOT have to go to these lengths-it's absurd.  And we as parents have to write up a short essay for her counselor!  Jeez-it's not enough that we have to hold their hands through this insane process, pay for it, we also have to write an essay??!!!!!  The tracking of hours for activities-it's ridiculous.  And that it drags on for months, besides having to keep up their grades in challenging classes-ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Plus-and it's not a small thing-I keep thinking, LAST time:  last time to be all together for the Jewish holidays, last time she's home when I'm putting the Halloween decorations up (and I have all of these memories of her being a little girl and helping me with them), last time we're all together for G's birthday-I want to cry all the time, but I need to keep it together.  I don't want her to feel guilty or sad-and I don't want to drag everyone else down rather than enjoying our time together.  Because truth is-you never know how much time we all have together NO MATTER WHAT.  And that makes me sad.  And I can't even blame it on PMS, because it's over.   So pretty much, I'm feeling stressed and sad.  And not acknowledging it, not processing it-trying to just be mad at myself or "chin up"-it's going to erupt in weird ways.  Clearly I'm not overeating to numb out-but I'm getting mad, and feeling anxious.  Not healthy.  For anyone.  So much swirling around. I don't even know where to turn it around.  Okay-the E thing.  Do you know it's the last time she'll be around for the holidays?  No.  Do I have a guarantee on how we're all frozen in time?  No-of course not.  Life changes, evolves, how it is now is not how it will be later.  Might there be special moments for all of us together in the future? Yes.  Does it make you enjoy what's right in front of you when you're worried that it's slipping away? Absolutely not.  Will you have more wonderful times?  Yes.  Things that you cannot even imagine.  Did I think that I would enjoy having older kids and teens?  Hell, no.  I was SO focused on the baby/toddler/little person stage as being the end all be all.  And was it great?  Parts of it-sure.  But there were plenty of tough parts too that I did not expect.  So mourning it passing or changing it doesn't make you appreciate what you have right in front of you.  I need to focus on her.  Be the parent here.  My job is to support her-and our family-it's not to drag her and everyone else down being sad that she's getting older and that my idealized vision of how our family should be is evolving.  I need some thoughts to focus on here.  Our family life is changing.  I need to be working on ME-so I can be okay and fulfilled.  She is going off to do great things.  The best way I can help her is to assist in prepping for that and being excited for her.  Being a young adult was way more fun than being a kid or a teen.  I think she'll find the same thing.  She's off to find out what she likes, develop friendships, have romances, explore the world.  The best thing I can do is show her to embrace all that's in front of her with open arms-not hang back and getting dragged forward by momentum.  Right???  YES.  It's an amazing time!!!!!  Okay-moving on to A.  Agenda book.  We need to figure out working his thoughts.  Deep breaths.  (Physician heal thyself-hah)  What is the plan?  What are the steps?  Being mad and punitive is NOT helpful.  And G?  I need to work on my patience.  He does need to do things on his own.  How cool is it to see him boogie boarding??  Swimming?  What can I do to help myself work on embracing my own life?  Continue with the exercise and healthy eating.  And my "Happy list".  I got a little bit away from that during my parents' visit.  And honestly the houseguest thing (as happy as I was to have them here) is still tough-despite their being helpful and fairly unobtrusive.  It's that many more people to make dinner for-and on a night like last night (especially since that unexpected airport trip sucked up a huge part of my day) I just couldn't deal.  Maybe because it was their last night too.  And I think I'm also stressed about hosting this ginormous party here on Saturday night.