The Bottom Drawer

For as long as we had a child who was toddling along, we have had a kitchen drawer designated for the sippy cups, plastic Ikea tumblers, acrylic plates and small plastic bowls.  I don't know where I got the idea-maybe an old Parents magazine read while E was napping or waiting at the pediatrician's office.  It was a great way of encouraging young kids to do for themselves: grab a bowl and head to the pantry, or pour yourself a glass of water.  We had it on South Road, in the big new Woodstock house, and now here in San Diego.  The concept has been great for 17 years, and through 4 kids.  But now that they can pretty much reach the upper cabinets,  and we don't need to rely so much on unbreakable dishes, it is just seeming like a waste of space.  I think it's time to let that drawer go.  Sigh.  With all my "toss this" or "don't buy another frivolous item", why am I struggling with moving on from this?  One of the last vestiges of having small children?  Laziness?  End of an era.  Deep breath.  Here I go.  And it has become The Baking Drawer.  Which is really great since both E and A are into baking.  Bake away, kids, bake away.

My Happy Plan progress 2 months in . . .

$2500 is a lot of money to spend when we said we would cut down on our spending.  And didn't you recently say you would not spend anymore money on coaching since you know the answers are inside?  And haven't you been on your own "program" since August with happy results?  Think about that for a few minutes-what are results that you've gotten from implementing the Happy Plan along with some add-ons:  I feel more relaxed, authentic, able to handle issues (the whole A/M thing) with a calm, loving perspective.  I think I'm spending less money (not using shopping as a numbing activity).  I have gotten so much positive feedback from friends on me as a person (girlfriends at my bday dinner, Kathleen's comments about our family, Lisa and Heather saying such kind things about me on FB).  Health wise?  S says I haven't been snoring.  I don't have all the weird aches and pains.  My period is a million times better-not so heavy, not so uncomfortable, not so hormonally crabby.  I did a lot of stuff last spring that I wanted to-lots of meals out with girlfriends, cooking classes, ordered business cards for a cooking business and then analyzed how happy that makes me going forward and I think:  glad I did it, not interested in continuing any of that right now.  I'm spending lots of great time with our family.   I'm just feeling healthy and stronger and way more energetic.  I'm fitting into some of my clothes again.  And notice how far down the list the weight loss is.  It's a by-product, it's not my ultimate goal.  I'm choosing to focus on other things.  I like being able to walk up the hill to school and not get winded.  I love being able to hike Torrey Pines and feeling like it's a good work out, but not that it's super strenuous. I like knowing that every little bit of exercise makes me calmer, happier, more energetic.  I really, really, really want to be able to get off the floor without effort.  It seems dumb-and yet not.  I'm too young to have an old body!  And I don't want to be thinking about knee replacement surgeries when I'm 70.  I want to be comfortable moving around.  Limber and strong.  Those are my goals.  I want to feel healthy and energetic.  So just keep on with the Happy.

Sunday Funday

So nice to wake up feeling cool, and seeing gray skies.  Who would think that would be welcomed?  But it's been so ungodly hot-hello, 90 degrees in mid October.  Of course, an hour later, and it's not even 7:30 and it's now sunny.  Oh well.  Hopefully there's a cooling trend happening.  At some point. The boys have Sunday school, I think the rest of us are heading to the Y to work out, quick lunch and gathering of stuff, and then off to the beach for a few hours.  Then dinner out for my bday?  The usual, because I am a creature of habit.  I wouldn't mind going out in Del Mar or La Jolla either, but it seems like such a schlep.  Out of my bubble.  I know what to expect with the usual places-I like the music, the views, the Italian food.  Or should I venture out?  Shall I check Yelp?

So we did the usual, Vigiluccis, and while it was lovely, the food gave both of us a stomach ache.  I couldn't finish the shrimp cocktail-it was weird to have both types of shrimp-ginormous and tiny-and difficult to eat.  I also got my usual pasta dish with the scallops and mushrooms and cream sauce.  I "had" to have it-and then later thought-I don't even like pasta anymore.  The scallops were a smidgen undercooked, and I think they changed out what mushrooms they use.  And the cream sauce makes me feel sick.  Then they brought creme brûlée which while yummy-should have been a few bites and done, instead of feeling compelled to finish it.  The atmosphere was lovely, as was the service, and we had fun-and had good discussions about next summer's plans.  But food wise-not the best choices.  I wasn't actually hungry because we'd had Mexican food from that new spot around 4.  In retrospect, either skipped the appetizer, and picked a "lighter" more Paleo entree or picked an appetizer and a salad for my main meal. And again, 2 bites of the brûlée would have sufficed.  So after dinner we both felt over full and had stomach issues that night and the next day.  I don't say this to beat myself up-I'm trying to analyze and make better future choices.

The first 2 college applications were sent off last night:  she had B, G and I holding her hands as she pressed submit.  I said a prayer in my head.  For what-I'm not exactly sure.  I want her to be where she'll be the happiest.  I don't know where that is.  I have to trust that it will be.  She will end up where she's meant to end up.  It's not as though I want her to go thousands of miles away-but I feel like for what she wants to do, and the opportunities that exist-that would be one of the DC schools.  Time will tell.  It's also crazy that we won't know until April.  That is a long time away.

When I applied to SMC I was in some sort of weird denial, panicky mode.  I was so paralyzed by the whole thing that my mother finally had to phone the counselor at MC so she could call me into the office.  I remember sitting in her office and handwriting out my application-which was all of 3 pages.  My GPA wasn't particularly good, my SAT scores were better (not math, but verbal) and so I had a National Merit commendation, and I had a few extracurriculars:  writing for the school paper, some volunteer work with autistic kids (that we had to do to graduate), a part time job.  I wrote out my essay while sitting in her office.  I'm a decent writer, so I'm sure it was fine.  And that was it.  Of course I got in-they didn't exactly have rigorous entrance requirements.  I applied to no other schools.  Not that I had seen any other schools other than UCSB as a kid-and I knew I didn't have the grades to get in there.  Plus it was so far away.  I used to feel annoyed with myself for not applying to other schools.  But really-without ever having been to any state schools-how could I possibly visualize myself going there?  And while I used to blame mom and dad for not taking me on campus tours other than for SMC-I don't know if ANYone's  parents did college visits.  I think a lot of people had older siblings or friends that went to various schools, and they thought that they sounded cool and that was it.  Obviously if you had the grades, you went to a UC.  I was in that weird mental state of wanting to get the hell out of my house, make something out of my life (exciting career, cute boyfriend-things that seemed out of reach at MC, which I loathed) and not wanting to leave the cocoon of my home.  I had absolutely no self confidence.  I could not imagine going someplace totally different and trying to figure it all out.  Now of course I realize that it's all baby steps.  You're at a college, and there's orientation and all kinds of things in place to help you figure it out.  But at that time it just seemed insurmountable.  And my total lack of social self confidence was even worse. I was incapable of going someplace new and trying to make friends-I felt "odd" and then acted "odd" and shy and awkward.  It seemed easier to go to SMC with Lisa, with the 40 other kids from MC (even if I wasn't particularly friends with them, at least they were familiar) and have that sense of security.

One thing I also get from reading the FIAR boards is a peek into women's lives across the country who are so different from me in some respects (their evangelical religions and super conservative politics) and yet so much the same in others (homemakers, traditional families, larger families).  I've discussed before that I like to read what they write to understand their feelings about gun control or abortion-and it does definitely give me a better perspective.  What I also get, if I'm being totally honest, is deep gratitude for what I have.  I live a very comfortable life.  We are not living paycheck to paycheck.  If I want a new top, or E wants a test prep book, or it's the school book fair, or A is collecting baseball cards right now-we just buy it.  We go out for meals, we go on wonderful vacations, we entertain. We have older cars-but that's by choice not necessity.  If there are bills for fixing the cars or the house or medical expenses, we can pay them.  Our health, thank God, is good.  One of the women has a son (not sure of his diagnosis) but he's completely wheel chair bound.  There's another woman whose husband lost his job, so they're having to move 200 miles away to live with her parents, and assist her mom who has MS.   There's an older couple (and he has dementia) who live rent free in a condo owned by a friend who has a terminal illness-so she worries what will become of them.  Should I feel guilty about being a voyeur?  I don't share anything on the boards-it seems disingenuous when we don't homeschool anymore.  But I keep reading-I feel like I "know" them and I'm curious about other people's lives and motivations.  I think it's helped to make me less judgmental, and more understanding.

Girlfriends

Yesterday I was talking to Kathleen about her freshman daughter who's having such a tough time at school.  There was some sort of "girl drama"-ugh, and currently she's having all kinds of issues from that.  Kathleen said "Girls suck."  Which-okay, middle school, I think that was the apex of suckiness, and there were definitely mean girls.  There were also incredibly wonderful friends like Laurie, and other really nice girls who were kind and sweet and not bullies.  But after that?  Even MC which I truly hated, there were only a few girls who were out and out unkind-and I can really think of one instance in particular over 3 years-most were actually very nice.  It was the cliques that I couldn't deal with.  And yes-there were a few things along the way with close girl friends that have been painful (Lisa at the end of senior year, and whatever went down with Sloane), and I know that E has had her share of "mean girl" experiences when we were in Maryland.  But for the most part, I think people are really trying to do the best they can.  Even some of the moms at OPE who aren't as friendly I don't think "girl drama".  I just think people are insecure, and have their own weird issues that manifest as whatever.  I now just focus on who I like, and I do my thing-and that ends up working out.  That's really been a huge shift even since we moved here.  Yay for the wisdom of your late 40s!  I don't have such a chip on my shoulder anymore.  I think that's also made me more approachable, and I have a slew of friends, and people I'm friendly with.  I don't focus on slights.  That's made a huge difference in my attitude.  I assume most people are nice.  I don't depend on others for my emotional well being, or how I'm defining myself.  If they seem snobby or cold, I assume they have something going on, or they're insecure.  I don't think, "oh they don't like me, there's something wrong with me".  And I don't go around anymore with the belief that I'm weird and people are going to find me odd.  Seeing Lisa's post yesterday about me and having Heather chime in just gives me more evidence that I'm being authentically me and putting myself out there, and as a result, I end up with wonderful people in my life.  "You are such an encouraging friend! I've had a crummy day and sometimes just knowing there are people like you in the world makes me smile! 
😘thanks!"

FB Hiatus

Wow-what the heck did I think of as a blog post? It has totally left my brain.  I was thinking:  perfect! that's it! And I got waylaid by reading what I've written this week, started thinking about that-and then done.  Maybe as I keep writing it will come back to me?  I hope?  Not so much.  Oh yes-FB fast for today and tomorrow.  I can do it.  I've just decided that it's too much nothing interspersed with very few things that I actually want to read.  I love hearing people's life news-what their kids are up to, what fabulous trips they're on, random things that happen.  I do not enjoying hearing everyone's political thoughts-no matter what side they're on.  I am also detesting all the memes and "funny" things and weird affirmations and prayers that clog up my feed.  It's really a colossal time suck.  And there's no payoff.  There are very few things where I think, "oh, cool.  or, no-I never thought about it like that."  It just is either aggravating (to know for sure that people I love have totally different ideas than what I think they should have-oh, the horror) or anxiety producing (like I really don't need to know that Jews are being attacked right after it happens in Israel)  It doesn't really impact my life.  And I'm trying not to be shallow or bury my head in the sand-but what are possible actions that I can take when I hear about anti-semitism?  I want my kids to feel proud of being Jewish-lighting shabbat candles, participating in a Jewish community (am I doing that?  yes-check)  Do I need to (at some point next spring) help E get educated for college where she very likely will come across the BDS movement?  Yes.  I will do that.  What else can I do?  Live my own day to day with love and compassion, and hope it spreads from me.  Make my kids feel loved and secure.  That's it.  Worrying about ISIS?  Since I don't work for the White House or the State Department, there's nothing I can do.  What about the concept of educating yourself about issues?  Again-anxiety vs action that matters.

Any way-back to the FB hiatus.  I think if I didn't immediately turn to the computer or my iPhone to fill every stray moment, I might be able to: write more, connect with nature, connect with my family, read some great books, talk on the phone with friends, do some art, take a walk, declutter my house, work on my "project" list, get a jump on holiday gifts, meditate, enjoy the stillness.

Friends

We've been here for 5 years-and one of the things I wanted more than anything was a good group of girlfriends.  It didn't need to be a "group" per se, I'm clearly past high school-but I wanted a number of people I could feel connected to in some capacity.  I don't need to spend all free time with them, I don't need to talk to them on the phone or by text all the time-that actually makes me feel totally claustrophobic.  But I wanted a variety of people I enjoy and care for as part of my life.  And gradually, that's what I've gotten.  Based on past experience I knew that just having a few friends does not work for me.  I do much better when there are a number of people I'm friends with.  My happiest social times were when I worked at Olsten and now.  I have S as my best friend-so I'm not looking to fill that role.  There's not one person other than him that I want to be in contact with all the times.  I am basically introverted.  But having a bunch of girlfriends that I connect with in a variety of ways-book club, "mom" friends at school, family friends, people I've just come to enjoy-it just totally enriches my life.  I am blessed to have such wonderful women in my life.  It took a little bit to get past the "drama-rah" as B coined it-not that I depended on them for friendship-but looking outside that narrow group and getting beyond to find like-minded people has been wonderful.  I am also really able to have other, maybe "lighter"?  friendships with some nice people-and socially do things with people that used to cause me angst.  I'm able to just chit chat and hang out wherever I am-and that is a great feeling.  I'm not necessarily going to have deeper friendships with some of these people-and that's okay.  It's still just amazing to me that I can be wherever I am without feeling social anxiety and weirdness oozing out of me, paralyzing me to the point of either being unfriendly out of fear, or odd over sharing in an attempt at humor or trying to make immediate, intimate connections.  I definitely attribute that to Brooke and self coaching.  And maybe it's taken me 8 years to absorb the lessons-but that's okay.  It was interesting to read her say after a while she didn't have to do turn arounds for some of her issues-because she could immediately see what they were, and that was it.  Done.  Or her brain had been trained to see it another way-so it wasn't part of her anymore.  Brain highways.  That's I think where I'm at for the most part.  And now I have evidence from other people telling me how kind and lovely I am, and my family is-and I can believe it and radiate it.  I don't need to be talking myself into it all the time.

When we first moved here I really wanted a walking friend like I had with Suzanne in Maryland.  But honestly, lately-I'm really enjoying being alone with my thoughts-like yesterday's hike in Torrey Pines.  Or listening to fast music or podcasts.  I'm cool without having someone else to walk with.  I push myself more I think when I'm going at my own pace.  Of course I have enjoyed it when I've walked with Amy-but as a regular thing, not a "want" or "desire" anymore.  It could also be because I'm at a different place with my family.  I really needed that "adult interaction" because the kids were so little and I was just home or running errands.  Now, I'm spending more time with S and E & B and even the younger boys-I'm able to have actual conversations and discussions.  I don't have that same need for "conversation".  I think I also realize that I am an introvert (for all my desire for lots of social interactions and friends) and need my recharging at home time.  Last year I had a big push to be social.  I went out multiple times during the week and met people for coffee and brunch/lunch.  I do that now a few times a month-but I've cut way back.  It was too expensive for one thing-and I also think it was making me a little cuckoo.  I do better when I have more time at home alone.  I recharge. I regroup.  Maybe down the road it will be different-but right now I'm really happy with how this fall has been.  Not a lot of volunteering.  Not a lot of "out" time.  Time with S and the kids.  Lots of time alone.  It feels regenerating.

Bday

My birthday.  S left early this morning for the rest of the week.  A is at 6th grade camp.  So in a way, it's a quieter, more mellow day-so I'll appreciate that rather than be sad we're all not together.  I don't know if a Torrey Pines hike is in the cards for today.  Not really sure what I want to do.  I have a few errands to run.  Target, SDA, the bank.  Laundry.  Bills.  Kind of mundane.  But I love my everyday life-and that meme really resonated with me:  "Someone is dreaming about your life".  So true.  I have an amazing husband, 4 wonderful children, we have our health, a beautiful home, in a gorgeous area, we're financially secure, have great friends and family.  So I'm perfectly happy to run my errands, supervise homework and take G to a skateboard lesson.  And for dinner?  Hmmmm.  Not sure what really sounds good.  Nothing currently.  Something Asian?  Takeout always seems to wilt.  But not sure the big kids can take the time to go out for dinner.  Whatever.  I don't really care.  49.  Reflect on that for a moment.  I've loved my 40s.  I really have.  I just need to continue to work on getting into better shape for my 50s.  I want to be able to travel, and be flexible. It freaks me out that currently if I get down onto the floor it feels impossible and painful to try and get back up.  On the plus side, my knees haven't been achey when I wake up in a while.  And S said I'm not snoring (unless the ac is running) so I am REALLY happy about that.  And in that pic my parents sent of us on Rosh hashanah, I'm focusing on my face (which actually looks really good-I do love my hair darker) and how gorgeous all those kids are and how tall B is-he's  kind of towering over the rest of us:  crazy.

1pm.  I've had the loveliest, most peaceful morning.  I laughed with K & H after drop off.  I made myself a yummy breakfast.  I watched a little Walking Dead.  I cleaned up the house.  I ran my errands.  I talked on the phone with friends-which was just lovely.  I took myself to the Meditation Gardens for about 20 minutes and did actually meditate.  So peaceful and lovely and wonderful.  This afternoon is G & Mom time.  Then off to the Y for skateboard, and I get to hang out with Steph, which will be great.  Something for dinner.  And early bedtime for me since last night was kind of awful sleep-wise.  I am so grateful for my life.  How blessed I am to have all that I have.