Friends

We've been here for 5 years-and one of the things I wanted more than anything was a good group of girlfriends.  It didn't need to be a "group" per se, I'm clearly past high school-but I wanted a number of people I could feel connected to in some capacity.  I don't need to spend all free time with them, I don't need to talk to them on the phone or by text all the time-that actually makes me feel totally claustrophobic.  But I wanted a variety of people I enjoy and care for as part of my life.  And gradually, that's what I've gotten.  Based on past experience I knew that just having a few friends does not work for me.  I do much better when there are a number of people I'm friends with.  My happiest social times were when I worked at Olsten and now.  I have S as my best friend-so I'm not looking to fill that role.  There's not one person other than him that I want to be in contact with all the times.  I am basically introverted.  But having a bunch of girlfriends that I connect with in a variety of ways-book club, "mom" friends at school, family friends, people I've just come to enjoy-it just totally enriches my life.  I am blessed to have such wonderful women in my life.  It took a little bit to get past the "drama-rah" as B coined it-not that I depended on them for friendship-but looking outside that narrow group and getting beyond to find like-minded people has been wonderful.  I am also really able to have other, maybe "lighter"?  friendships with some nice people-and socially do things with people that used to cause me angst.  I'm able to just chit chat and hang out wherever I am-and that is a great feeling.  I'm not necessarily going to have deeper friendships with some of these people-and that's okay.  It's still just amazing to me that I can be wherever I am without feeling social anxiety and weirdness oozing out of me, paralyzing me to the point of either being unfriendly out of fear, or odd over sharing in an attempt at humor or trying to make immediate, intimate connections.  I definitely attribute that to Brooke and self coaching.  And maybe it's taken me 8 years to absorb the lessons-but that's okay.  It was interesting to read her say after a while she didn't have to do turn arounds for some of her issues-because she could immediately see what they were, and that was it.  Done.  Or her brain had been trained to see it another way-so it wasn't part of her anymore.  Brain highways.  That's I think where I'm at for the most part.  And now I have evidence from other people telling me how kind and lovely I am, and my family is-and I can believe it and radiate it.  I don't need to be talking myself into it all the time.

When we first moved here I really wanted a walking friend like I had with Suzanne in Maryland.  But honestly, lately-I'm really enjoying being alone with my thoughts-like yesterday's hike in Torrey Pines.  Or listening to fast music or podcasts.  I'm cool without having someone else to walk with.  I push myself more I think when I'm going at my own pace.  Of course I have enjoyed it when I've walked with Amy-but as a regular thing, not a "want" or "desire" anymore.  It could also be because I'm at a different place with my family.  I really needed that "adult interaction" because the kids were so little and I was just home or running errands.  Now, I'm spending more time with S and E & B and even the younger boys-I'm able to have actual conversations and discussions.  I don't have that same need for "conversation".  I think I also realize that I am an introvert (for all my desire for lots of social interactions and friends) and need my recharging at home time.  Last year I had a big push to be social.  I went out multiple times during the week and met people for coffee and brunch/lunch.  I do that now a few times a month-but I've cut way back.  It was too expensive for one thing-and I also think it was making me a little cuckoo.  I do better when I have more time at home alone.  I recharge. I regroup.  Maybe down the road it will be different-but right now I'm really happy with how this fall has been.  Not a lot of volunteering.  Not a lot of "out" time.  Time with S and the kids.  Lots of time alone.  It feels regenerating.