I was thinking yesterday (after observing some of my friends are really overweight, and myself of course) that part of big weight gains are to hide.  Somehow we think we're self protecting or becoming invisible and the irony (at least around here) is that we are way more visible at this size. If I was a size 4 and wore Lululemon, then I would blend in.  Being larger stands out.  That was a crazy revelation to myself.  The other scary feeling was that when you're overweight (again, especially around here) is that your pain is obvious to everyone else.  You're not secretly punishing yourself-it is apparent that you are basically waving a flag that says, hello-I have emotional issues.  And that is embarrassing.  Because??  I know everyone has issues-and most people do not deal with them in healthy ways.  But I feel shame that the world sees my inability to cope.  It's right out there in the open.  Not being at my natural weight means I am hurting myself.  Eating peppermint pretzels as a "treat' is no treat when it means that the sugar keeps me from falling asleep easily, my chin and next to break out, and inflammation that makes my joints achey.  That's a crazy revelation.  Sugar, and processed food and carbs and not eating whole foods means I am damaging my body.  And yes, okay, everything in moderation.  But when I know those foods will not make me feel good-in fact, other than the moments when I'm eating them I will awful from them (hello, ice cream) it is crazy to keep scarfing them down.  If I have a martini (which will give me 15 minutes of sipping pleasure) I know the next morning I will be dragging, and it will not set me up for a energetic day of feeling my best.  I can choose on occasion (like a weekend night) to have one, but I don't drink during the week (unless I'm going out for book club, or dinner with friends).  I know ice cream and too much cheese causes me stomach issues-I get really gassy, I'm farting, I'll have diarrhea.  So I don't eat ice cream anymore-because I hate feeling that way.  It's been weeks since I had stomach issues.  And it's so pleasant.  Why in the world would I exchange 5 minutes of pleasure (eating my old favorite, Ben & Jerry's) for what will be hours of stomach and tush pain? I do love cheese, and I recognize that when I have too much (like at Thanksgiving) I definitely feel it and pay for it.  I wanted this year to be a time of reflection, and listening to myself and treating myself really well-and it's definitely happening.