I am so not a night person.  I guess it should make me more empathetic towards those who are not morning people-but it does not.  I still do not understand them.  I wish I could me more of a night person-but alas.  I wasn't at 16 or 26, and I don't see it developing later in life.  I slept in one morning over break until 9:30-I can't even remember the last time I did that except maybe one time when we flew from Hawaii back to Maryland.  Maybe.  But on a regular basis, 6 or 6:30 are my usual times.  I like getting up while the house is quiet, making that first delicious cup of coffee and enjoying that time to get organized in peace for my day: packing lunches, sending emails, getting various kids up and feeding them breakfast.  I think I'm the calmest, but most upbeat, of the entire day.  After 6 pm, forget it.  Staying up right now, even though I'm in comfortable jammies, and everyone is else upstairs (other than Andrew who's finishing homework-hence why I'm downstairs for moral support) is tortuous.  I feel like this is a much bigger parental sacrifice than all the various meals and schlepping about town.  I want to be tucked in, alone (or at least just with Stef) and with my books.

The tie in between Over eating, compulsive shopping and internet surfing

What do all of these activities have in common?  They're mind numbing and ultimately self destructive.  Passive.  Symptoms of underlying issues.  Waste of time.  Gross.  I hate myself for doing any and all of them.  Okay-clearly I'm not alone here.  They're all addictive-type behaviors covering up all kind of dreck underneath.  Instead of being self loathing-because that just leads to more numbing, masking and other "time wasters" though, I need to look at what's going on that is leading me to these .  .  .  That whole belonging/social anxiety/feeling left out: those are my Achilles heel.  And I just get frustrated because even though I "know" this, I still get stuck here over and over again-and I need to do work my thoughts.  I don't need to rehash why-and I think I get caught up in that which, while not pointless, doesn't change anything.  For the last time: the whys are shy/sensitive kid/not much money in an affluent area/parents who grew up blue collar and have their own insecurities/overweight so clothing issues/not much money as a kid so clothing issues/not athletic/super self conscious/bullied/weird social issues in high school/college with a bunch of rich kids that I didn't fit in with/clothing binges once I started working/Baltimore awful social scene/now OPE with those super thin, wealthy, socially connected women.  And all the weird little things that pop up:  the book club at the country club with smart, rich women I don't know, the kids' birthday parties with the younger, hipper, sort of snooty women (they just talk to each other and have really cute, hip clothes and look like they spend hours at barre class)  who I don't click with, the havurah drama (which is crazy since most of those people I don't connect with or particularly like anyway), having to make small talk if I'm going to be at an event with a lot of people I don't know.  Even the kids' things that send me spinning are due to my hot button issues (I worry when it appears that they're having social issues). O-kay.  Moving forward.  I can't change my past-it is what it is.  What I know about myself:  I have issues with belonging, feeling left out, feeling judged for how I look and what I have, so money/body/social occasions are hot buttons for me.  And I've vacillated between avoiding things so that I don't feel vulnerable, and getting out there and then feeling (occasionally) yucky.  I need to just check in every day and recognize it when it's happening so I can change my thoughts about that specific thing.  And just saying-ah, yes, hello hot button issue.  Which I feel like I need some catchy name but I'm so tired at this moment on New Year's Day that I can't  think of any!

Capsule Wardrobe

So I started reading about "capsule wardrobes" and I'm intrigued, excited and a little bit freaked out. I love the idea of just having a set number of clothes that I LOVE and want to wear versus the haphazard buying of crap at Costco, Target and then random sales at Anthro or binge buying at Loft or White House/Black Market when I'm desperately trying to pull outfits together for events or trips.  I like the idea of just having a set number of things out for seasons and making outfits from that.  I loved my pregnancy wardrobes for that reason-a couple of pairs of jeans and several tops I loved and felt cute in, with just a few dresses or skirts.  My closet is busting at the seams with clothes I can't fit into anymore, things I bought in the heat of the moment, clothes for some weird image of someone else I'd like to look like, events I'm not going to, potential weather changes.  I went through and bagged a ton of stuff for Goodwill, and a bunch of stuff for the consignment store.  I did order another pair of jeans to take me through the next few months.  If I don't like them, I commit to sending them back.  (I never send anything back or return anything.  I keep it, and eventually get rid of it.  Horrible waste of money.  I've been fortunate that Stefan has always made enough money for me to be frivolous and not cut into our "lifestyle" but I need to be way more mindful of saving and not being an idiot with my spending.) What are things I still need to get?  Shoes.  Ugh.  The bane of my existence.  I don't like my poor feet.  They don't feel good in anything, they don't look good in anything.  So I keep wearing ancient shoes (hello, those Tsubos are 10 years old and falling apart) because I hate shopping outside of the house.  I don't like trying stuff on.  So I buy online and then don't return.  I know that about myself-so to avoid that I just don't buy anything, and keep wearing awful shoes.  I MUST get over that.  How?  Figure out what I need and go out with socks and try stuff on.  I need slip ons and maybe some boots.  Again-hate to spend so much money.  Although instead I buy all kinds of crap I truly don't need from Target and Costco-$25 here and there-and I am positive I spend way more doing that.  And my weight going up and down just doesn't help.  I lose-I buy new stuff along the way, I hang onto much smaller "thin" clothes because hope springs eternal, I avoid buying new "big" clothes for a long time and just squeeze myself into smaller stuff or buy a lot of stretchy exercise clothes.  Blech.

Nurture

Nurture is my Word of the Year for 2015.  I want to nurture myself through healthy living--paleo eating (lots of vegetables, protein and good fats), walks and meditation.  I also commit to nurturing my creative side-writing every day, even if it's just a brief "check in" in my journal, cooking classes, maybe some painting and reading great books.  I will start strength training.  I am also on a minimalism kick:  the cleaning out of my closet and working towards a capsule wardrobe-I think that simplification will free up time and release anxiety.  I will continue to nurture my relationship with Stefan.  I will also work on nurturing my relationships with the kids-especially mindful of E getting ready to fly off on her own adventures, and B entrenched in the Teenaged Years.  I want to be more mindful of nurturing our family time.  We had such a wonderful road trip.  I want to plan more things like that we can do together-game time, reading time, sightseeing.  I also want to nurture the friendships I've made over the last few years.  It's interesting because I think I cast a wide net for friends-and some are definitely more "me" than others.  I need to spend time with the people I really like rather than just making a million plans with a huge number of people to feel "social".   I love the idea of Word of the Year versus making a bunch of resolutions.  I think it's just such a great, concise way of remembering what I'm working towards. Like the "does this feel like love?" but "Is this nurturing?"  Is what I'm doing/saying/thinking/committing to nurturing the person who's standing in front of me?  nurturing my health?  nurturing our family time?

Relationships

I've been thinking a lot about relationships-friendships to be exact.  When I was kid I did not have a huge circle of friends.  I had some "family friends" like Tina and the Malfattis and then-most importantly in middle & high schools-the Farrells.  I had school friends-the Coleman girls.  Laurie was a true and loyal friend from 3rd grade on.  Jeanette had been my best friend in 1st and 2nd grades-and she managed to kind of bully me and drop me. I had a very small circle in middle school.  And I was mean-girled by Andrea, and then Victoria Hoffman.  Freshman year at SRHS was a bit of a reprieve. But high school (MC) was awful for that.  I had Lisa, and the weird girls, during sophomore year.   Then we made a conscious effort to social climb-and ended up with a nice group of shy, quiet girls who also wanted to be "popular."  In a supreme bit of karma, Lisa dropped me for a more "in" group.  College I had a very small group of friends.  It really wasn't until I started working that I came into my own.  I had work friends, my old college friends-I felt confident and fun.  And then?  We moved away into the Black Hole that is Baltimore, I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of provincial, insulated, cliquey women (both the Jews and the Christians) and my self confidence took a huge hit.  I clung to my playgroup-the majority of women I truly would not have ever been friends with prior to having a baby.  Then Howard County-I was so happy to have all my neighborhood girls to hang out with.  But it wasn't until we got here to San Diego that I feel like I really have hit my groove.  What are the tricks? Being open.  Being vulnerable.  Being visibly excited to spend time with them.  Making it a priority.  Reaching out all the time:  texting, FB, calls, lots of get togethers.  Keeping up with a wide circle of people.  What has been hugely helpful?  Letting go of the idea that every part of their life has to fit mine: husbands like each other, kids get along, we need to do ABC.  Also-and this is has been key:  I am so much more relaxed.  I don't have that desperate, needy feeling about who I'm spending time with, how much time we're spending together.  I've gotten rid of that needing to have a BFF feeling.  Part of that is as the kids get older, I feel more relaxed.  I know how little is under my control.  It's not the immediate, in the trenches kind of mothering.  So I don't have the same need to "get out" or vent.  And what I'm going to talk about is not the minutia of life with small children.  As a result, I'm actually talking to other women about things other than sleep schedules, potty training, someone's croupy cough-Lord, that was so boring.  (And I say that as a devoted stay at home mom of 4 kids who loved the whole baby/toddler stage).  Lisa asked me the other day if I'd cycled through friends since I've been here.  And I've really been thinking about that . .  .  I don't think I really have.  I was so busy when we first got here-and I liked going for coffee with Kimberly and Aalia.  But I didn't click with the other ME moms, so it wasn't like I dropped anyone.  We also had our little neighborhood playgroup-and lo and behold, I'm with some of them again because of kindergarten starting.  Other than that-I still see Kim, but just not as much.  Our families are in a season of busyness-so it's not the same.  I loved that time-and I appreciated every moment.  Maybe with Jami?  But we're still so tied together because of the havurahs, Solel.  I never felt like she was my BF although I know she felt that way about me.  But I don't have the time for that.  There's no one I want to talk to everyday other than Stefan!  I have some really great friends that I feel close to-but I also need my space.  That's probably a big difference too-I recognize that I don't need to talk to someone constantly.  I find that exhausting.  And I've felt that since we were here, and I lived it-which has been great.

Wow-things you could never imagine saying to your precious child:  "Dad and I thoroughly enjoyed our pub crawl.  Find your own ride home."  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.  I mean seriously-I think you have to have a teen to appreciate.  And I am so happy to be at this point-and it shocks me.  Truly.  I really did not anticipate how much I would feel that way.  I haven't met this kid who is having the viewing party.  I'm sure he's another speech and debate "good kid." Probably super funny and smart.  Perhaps closeted.  I don't think they're playing spin the bottle or smoking weed or drinking.  Whatever.  I don't need to know his parents. And yes- I realize if it went horribly wrong I'd look like the idiot parent stammering on tv or from the stand,  "I trusted her."  Oh for god's sake.  I'm ready to have my "freedom".  And I know I'm really far from that considering Gabriel is turning 6.  And I'm not saying I'm going to pull an AL.  But I have never (with rare exception) been a helicopter parent.   I'm right there-packing lunches, driving them all to various activities after school-but I don't feel mentally like I'm on them.  I'm not.  The 3 day parent orientations?  Um, no.  Not happening.  I'm not orientating.  THEY are.  I already went to college.  I love them.  I find them fascinating and brilliant and adorable.  I trust they will find friends and love interests that will appreciate them.  But I can't be on that journey with them.  They need to do it themselves. And maybe I'll hear about it.  I hope I'm able to be supportive and empathetic and not psycho.

We made it through the first week of OPE.  And??  It went so well.  A is in Mr. D's class-and over half the class is the same as last year.  His two very best friends are now in the class-and he's never had that before.  Ever.  I'm so happy for him.  They stayed over last night.  His first sleepover.  G got the "best" kindergarten teacher.  Liam is with him.  Lots of nice kids.  He really loved his first week.  And I feel like he is SO prepared from Donna and Emily.  The choking kid?  He told an adult, and acknowledged that the kid was just playing "rough and crazy"-nothing personal.  Nothing traumatic. I saw him on the playground-he was getting pushed and turned around and said in a firm, no nonsense kind of way-"Stop pushing me."  Both of these things are because he was coached by his teachers last year.  E got her schedule for this year-it's a dream first semester.