What does cooking mean to me?  It's relaxing, nurturing, therapeutic.  I very rarely find it stressful.  It brings me happy memories-Nonni cooking, my mom cooking dinner while I did my homework and hung out in the kitchen.  It seems simplistic to say food is love-but in my semi-Italian family, it did.  I never liked to bake because you had to be so precise.  I am many things, but precise is not one of them.  It's my slightly rebellious and independent streak to not want to be tied down to specific directions (see also, "thinking Catholicism was a story and fiction, not reality from the time I was a small child".  I never had the beliefs to lose.  I never believed in the first place.)  I like throwing things together, improvising, reading a recipe for ideas, trying new ethnic cuisines out at restaurants and wanting to recapture the flavors, watching a cooking show to get the gist-then trying it out myself.  I just think about what I'm in the mood for, how much time I have to prepare it, what ingredients I have on hand and go for it.  It's funny because cooking is probably one of my only activities where I'm more comfortable winging it.  Usually I'm more comfortable going with a definite plan and am not spontaneous.  Which is sort of a weird juxtaposition if you think about it:  I'm a conformist but I'm not rigid and I hate being forced to do something I don't want to do, seems unreasonable or unfair.  If I could have some foods again that I don't prepare, are specific to a now defunct restaurant or long ago time-in other words, things I'll probably never eat again (just typing that out makes me feel sad):  that stuffed veal pocket Nonni used to make, also scottia (I think she may have shown Chris how to make it-I should ask him), House of Nanking's beer chicken and zucchini, chocolate mousse from Le Camembert, minestrone from Marin Joe's (they're still around though, just an airplane ride away), bagels & the accompanying spreads that Bobbie and Steve used to get, the moo shu chicken they would get (which I know you can certainly get other places, but it's never tasted the same), hot and sour soup from some Chinese restaurant in Deerfield who's name escapes me, Lemon Chicken that Lisa's parents used to get from god knows where, the pork buns from Chopsticks in San Rafael, 3 Delights (Anita's Thai Kitchen which I actually realized recently was Vietnamese not Thai, but I'm guessing it was so soon after the Vietnam War that she thought it safer to say her place was Thai), a cod and potato dish Mom made from their French cooking class (which I actually do have the recipe for but who wants to repeatedly rinse dried cod?  plus I'm fairly certain that my family would just think it was fishy, salty potato salad, so why bother?), Nonno used to bbq these ribs that were soy saucy and delicious, Amy's cornflake chicken (I'm sure that one is not tricky but whatever.  I'm sure it's better in my memory than in reality.)  She was actually a very good cook (I remember some yummy coq au vin) and definitely an appreciator of fancy, French and Italian cuisine (and Chinese-I think that was a holdover than growing up Jewish in New York), but she really made the same dishes over and over.  Sort of like her wardrobe:  talk about a capsule wardrobe.  Long sleeved silk blouses or long sleeved cotton fitted tee shirts, leather or suede slacks, high heels, and then really expensive leather or fur jackets or coats.  And lovely scarfs.  And simple, expensive jewelry.  She was funny because while she definitely looked the part of the sophisticated, cultured, really wealthy society woman-she couldn't stand most of those women.  She thought they were snobby and provincial.  But anyway, she had a formula for dressing, and cooking dinner-and both were executed pretty flawlessly.  Then she had time for other pursuits like her music.  That's what I'm enjoying about the capsule wardrobe.  I have so few things in my closet-and I think I could even get rid of more.  It's freeing.  And at Target the other day I was momentarily tempted to look through the clothes and mindlessly grab something-but then I thought, oops-I don't do that.  I have enough clothes  right now.  I'm good.  And it was fine.  I felt relieved later.  I know I need to keep purging the house.  I have so much kitchen "stuff" that I never use, and don't need.  Serving pieces and glasses that are just up in cupboards that (as much as we've entertained) never get touched! Any way-I have gotten totally off track here.  As usual.  Food.  Memories. Holidays.  It's interesting that the other day E mentioned "we should have more Jewish food."  Um, well.  Not something I grew up with .  So other than matzoh ball soup, roast chicken, matzo brie, passover brittle, brisket, mandelbrot-I'm sort of at a loss.   A lot of Ashkenazic Jewish cooking is like Eastern European cooking:  pretty awful.  If you've grown up with it you'll retain a fondness for it (hence the foodie Levines always had margarine and matzoh in their house.  Together with a sprinkling of salt: swoon.)  But since I didn't grow up with it and I'm a food snob-not too much Jewish cooking going on around here.  Occasionally at a holiday with (Jewish) friends there will be kugels.  I should try more Sephardic recipes-that would probably bridge the gap between my natural bent toward Mediterranean cooking and my kids' Jewish heritage.

If I gave myself a goal of writing 1,000 words a day for a month, what would happen?  Would I be able to do it?  Well, okay, I could fill a page with 1000 words-but would they be readable?  Would there be a glimmer of something there?  Some bit of wisdom?  Or humor?  Or would it just be trite observations to fill the pages?  I won't know unless I do it.  I'm feeling inspired by "Wild" and all the walking I've been doing.  I've also done a gossip fast and scaled way back on the screen time.  I'm trying to listen to good music.  I'm trying to keep myself from running around.  I did have really nice birthday lunches with E and D-but it seemed less frenetic than it's felt.  And last night's dinner was really fun.  Usually I enjoy being at our home more than being over at other people's because then I don't worry about the boys and what they're up to.  If it's our house I don't care if they're loud, crazy, make a (bigger) mess.  However, it was so nice to just bake challah and mandelbrot and show up for the whole rest of the meal.  It seemed so luxurious to be walking, then reading, then taking a long shower and leisurely getting ready versus running around like a mad woman making dinner and trying to make things "pretty."  And worrying that I'll do shabbat "wrong" somehow.  Even after all these years.  I like to see how other people do it.  Candles on the dinner table.  Then the blessing over the wine.  Then the blessing over the bread.  And putting all the food out on the table and passing it around.  I've done buffet style for years.  Maybe because our kids were always little and handing hot platters around seemed daunting.  But it was nice.  I should switch it up a bit.  I hope they didn't find us too much.  Because .  .  .  I know sometimes she'll talk about other people and I don't want to be them:  the ones who's kids are awful, messy, bug the dogs.  I think I need to get over that.  It's not really trusting your friends if you think they're dissing you behind your back.  I think overall the kids were good.  They were polite.  Nobody's perfect-but they are sweet, well mannered kids.  However, it made me realize that their table manners need work!  I kind of knew that but somehow they'd pull it out if we were out.  They need to learn to cut their food!  That's a lot of pressure you put on yourself and them.  You do realize this?  The only time I've found other kids rude is when they've announced they're "bored" or there's "nothing to do."  Or if they've really intentionally trashed something (or gone into our bedroom) or let out our cats :).  Other than that (and it still hasn't stopped friendships or social gatherings) I'm really easy going.  I think that's one of my best qualities.  I love to host.  I love to entertain.  I am pretty social for an introvert.  But I need to keep my spaces too.  Like today being wide open:  so nice and regenerating.  Tomorrow we have plans.  But today-ahhh.

January

I've been much better about writing more, reading actual books, doing projects like closet organizing and capsule wardrobing,  and cutting back on the internet nonsense.  I've been listening to the classical station in the car-not junky pop music.  No celeb gossip sites in weeks.  I am going to cut back on the online stuff even more-even the "good stuff"-because even that becomes a time sink.  Here I am.  I have the answers for myself if I sit quietly and listen.  Or walk outside and look around without all the noise.  I want to simplify more.  I want to just be.  Breathe in and out.  Breaths like the waves.  One of my best memories is going to the beach alone to recharge after a rough night with a sick kid.  Sitting at the Self Realization Gardens is the best.  I love the guided meditations on you-tube.  Even right now.  Gabie's in bed, the older kids are with Stef clustered around the computer playing WOW.  It feels peaceful.  Quiet time.  I need to make sure I am getting enough of that.  I've spent a lot of time over the last few years establishing us here.  I have made friends.  I've volunteered.  I did some work on starting a business.  I was out and about a lot.  I was presenting myself as someone who is connected, who has a lot of friends, a lot of plans.  But sometimes the stuff or people I was filling my time with were not necessarily "my kind of thing."  I need to keep remember my Word of the Year:  Nurture.  Let that be my guide.  Also-not every moment has to be planned.  The weekends could be more laid back and not so filled. (although if I don't plan, we end up at home around screens-so I do need to give us some activities.)  Part of that is in reaction to what feels like years of wasted time we could have been doing "more" when we lived back east-like museums and sightseeing.  Of course remember that most of the time I was pregnant and/or had really small children.  It's hard to do stuff all the time with little kids.  Plus with S's career at the time-the last thing he wanted to do on the weekends was to be on the go.

On trying new things . . . simultaneously (dreading-hello, tennis) and having a blast (hello, tennis)

One thing I know I am not good at is pushing myself OUT of my comfort zone:  the Heidi Bubble.  I feel pulled (probably because I'm an introvert) toward just being home in sweats cooking and listening to music and taking "book breaks".  Yet I am well aware that the best things I've ever experienced, most of the friends I've made since moving to San Diego, the "fun", the "zany", the "cool"-are all from pushing myself to get out there and try different things.  I think this past year was the realization that if I do too much of the pushing though, I end up exhausting myself.  I made myself crabby, and then overate to try and calm down/numb/avoid.  I just need to recognize that I need quiet breaks.  I can't be on the go all the time.  Every day I need to build in time for me to be alone, to regenerate, to meditate, to close my eyes, to breathe.  I have made friends, gotten involved in activities, gotten the kids involved in things-I don't need to push so hard right now.  I can maintain, enjoy, and recharge daily.

I am so not a night person.  I guess it should make me more empathetic towards those who are not morning people-but it does not.  I still do not understand them.  I wish I could me more of a night person-but alas.  I wasn't at 16 or 26, and I don't see it developing later in life.  I slept in one morning over break until 9:30-I can't even remember the last time I did that except maybe one time when we flew from Hawaii back to Maryland.  Maybe.  But on a regular basis, 6 or 6:30 are my usual times.  I like getting up while the house is quiet, making that first delicious cup of coffee and enjoying that time to get organized in peace for my day: packing lunches, sending emails, getting various kids up and feeding them breakfast.  I think I'm the calmest, but most upbeat, of the entire day.  After 6 pm, forget it.  Staying up right now, even though I'm in comfortable jammies, and everyone is else upstairs (other than Andrew who's finishing homework-hence why I'm downstairs for moral support) is tortuous.  I feel like this is a much bigger parental sacrifice than all the various meals and schlepping about town.  I want to be tucked in, alone (or at least just with Stef) and with my books.

The tie in between Over eating, compulsive shopping and internet surfing

What do all of these activities have in common?  They're mind numbing and ultimately self destructive.  Passive.  Symptoms of underlying issues.  Waste of time.  Gross.  I hate myself for doing any and all of them.  Okay-clearly I'm not alone here.  They're all addictive-type behaviors covering up all kind of dreck underneath.  Instead of being self loathing-because that just leads to more numbing, masking and other "time wasters" though, I need to look at what's going on that is leading me to these .  .  .  That whole belonging/social anxiety/feeling left out: those are my Achilles heel.  And I just get frustrated because even though I "know" this, I still get stuck here over and over again-and I need to do work my thoughts.  I don't need to rehash why-and I think I get caught up in that which, while not pointless, doesn't change anything.  For the last time: the whys are shy/sensitive kid/not much money in an affluent area/parents who grew up blue collar and have their own insecurities/overweight so clothing issues/not much money as a kid so clothing issues/not athletic/super self conscious/bullied/weird social issues in high school/college with a bunch of rich kids that I didn't fit in with/clothing binges once I started working/Baltimore awful social scene/now OPE with those super thin, wealthy, socially connected women.  And all the weird little things that pop up:  the book club at the country club with smart, rich women I don't know, the kids' birthday parties with the younger, hipper, sort of snooty women (they just talk to each other and have really cute, hip clothes and look like they spend hours at barre class)  who I don't click with, the havurah drama (which is crazy since most of those people I don't connect with or particularly like anyway), having to make small talk if I'm going to be at an event with a lot of people I don't know.  Even the kids' things that send me spinning are due to my hot button issues (I worry when it appears that they're having social issues). O-kay.  Moving forward.  I can't change my past-it is what it is.  What I know about myself:  I have issues with belonging, feeling left out, feeling judged for how I look and what I have, so money/body/social occasions are hot buttons for me.  And I've vacillated between avoiding things so that I don't feel vulnerable, and getting out there and then feeling (occasionally) yucky.  I need to just check in every day and recognize it when it's happening so I can change my thoughts about that specific thing.  And just saying-ah, yes, hello hot button issue.  Which I feel like I need some catchy name but I'm so tired at this moment on New Year's Day that I can't  think of any!

Capsule Wardrobe

So I started reading about "capsule wardrobes" and I'm intrigued, excited and a little bit freaked out. I love the idea of just having a set number of clothes that I LOVE and want to wear versus the haphazard buying of crap at Costco, Target and then random sales at Anthro or binge buying at Loft or White House/Black Market when I'm desperately trying to pull outfits together for events or trips.  I like the idea of just having a set number of things out for seasons and making outfits from that.  I loved my pregnancy wardrobes for that reason-a couple of pairs of jeans and several tops I loved and felt cute in, with just a few dresses or skirts.  My closet is busting at the seams with clothes I can't fit into anymore, things I bought in the heat of the moment, clothes for some weird image of someone else I'd like to look like, events I'm not going to, potential weather changes.  I went through and bagged a ton of stuff for Goodwill, and a bunch of stuff for the consignment store.  I did order another pair of jeans to take me through the next few months.  If I don't like them, I commit to sending them back.  (I never send anything back or return anything.  I keep it, and eventually get rid of it.  Horrible waste of money.  I've been fortunate that Stefan has always made enough money for me to be frivolous and not cut into our "lifestyle" but I need to be way more mindful of saving and not being an idiot with my spending.) What are things I still need to get?  Shoes.  Ugh.  The bane of my existence.  I don't like my poor feet.  They don't feel good in anything, they don't look good in anything.  So I keep wearing ancient shoes (hello, those Tsubos are 10 years old and falling apart) because I hate shopping outside of the house.  I don't like trying stuff on.  So I buy online and then don't return.  I know that about myself-so to avoid that I just don't buy anything, and keep wearing awful shoes.  I MUST get over that.  How?  Figure out what I need and go out with socks and try stuff on.  I need slip ons and maybe some boots.  Again-hate to spend so much money.  Although instead I buy all kinds of crap I truly don't need from Target and Costco-$25 here and there-and I am positive I spend way more doing that.  And my weight going up and down just doesn't help.  I lose-I buy new stuff along the way, I hang onto much smaller "thin" clothes because hope springs eternal, I avoid buying new "big" clothes for a long time and just squeeze myself into smaller stuff or buy a lot of stretchy exercise clothes.  Blech.

Nurture

Nurture is my Word of the Year for 2015.  I want to nurture myself through healthy living--paleo eating (lots of vegetables, protein and good fats), walks and meditation.  I also commit to nurturing my creative side-writing every day, even if it's just a brief "check in" in my journal, cooking classes, maybe some painting and reading great books.  I will start strength training.  I am also on a minimalism kick:  the cleaning out of my closet and working towards a capsule wardrobe-I think that simplification will free up time and release anxiety.  I will continue to nurture my relationship with Stefan.  I will also work on nurturing my relationships with the kids-especially mindful of E getting ready to fly off on her own adventures, and B entrenched in the Teenaged Years.  I want to be more mindful of nurturing our family time.  We had such a wonderful road trip.  I want to plan more things like that we can do together-game time, reading time, sightseeing.  I also want to nurture the friendships I've made over the last few years.  It's interesting because I think I cast a wide net for friends-and some are definitely more "me" than others.  I need to spend time with the people I really like rather than just making a million plans with a huge number of people to feel "social".   I love the idea of Word of the Year versus making a bunch of resolutions.  I think it's just such a great, concise way of remembering what I'm working towards. Like the "does this feel like love?" but "Is this nurturing?"  Is what I'm doing/saying/thinking/committing to nurturing the person who's standing in front of me?  nurturing my health?  nurturing our family time?