I feel such a mix of emotions about E going off to college.  I think I felt more sad months ago with the realization that it's really the end of an era.  (And she was anxious and stressed and hanging out more and needing my support-it's totally changed in the last few months.)  Our family is going to be so different.  We've had all of these different versions of us-from the newlyweds on the move, to the couple with the baby, to a family of 4, to us with 3 kids and now almost 8 years with G.  And with each of these versions I have these pictures in my head: the young couple, madly in love about to take off across country, then with E in Bmore-some adorable little outfit on-in our townhouse in Owings Mills; then in the South Road house and all its leafy, humid, splendor-with the 2 of them on playing on my bed "Make your super baby muscles.  Say it loud, say it proud: I'm a baby"; and then it's fall at the Milkshake concert at the BMA with E, B and baby A-and I'm crying because I'm so happy; and Friday night dance parties with everybody, and a Starbucks somewhere in Pennsylvania with someone remarking on how beautiful they all are, and trips to Disneyland and Universal and WDW.  And now? She's ready to move on with her life-and I remember so clearly what that was like.  I couldn't wait to begin with college, and career, and new friends, and romances and travel-so I can only hope for her that she's all in and ready to experience it all.   And our family is moving on to unknown territory.  Before I was kind of dreading it because what I have had: the big, wonderful family with lots of babies and little people, is all over-and that was all I wanted when I was younger.  Now I have to create new dreams, and new plans-and while I had been anxious and sad and unsure-I'm actually really getting excited.  I'm looking on the bright side-what can be great about having older kids, fewer kids to contend with, what do we want to do as a couple, what do I want to do myself.

In the book I've been reading to G, the main character is a composer who spends his days at his piano writing music.  The author describes how his process involves listening outside of himself, and also listening INside himself.  G was asking what that meant.  So we tried it together:  we were sitting on my bed and had the windows open-and we stopped speaking, listened to the sounds and then described them to each other: the wind rustling the trees, birds tweeting, the traffic sounds cascading up the canyon.  Listening to the inside of ourselves was a little more difficult to explain-I said it was being very quiet, closing your eyes and listening to your thoughts as they come up.  For me-lately-what is coming up are just checklists: get so and so here or there, call, email, text, pick up, don't forget.  All that minutia (while certainly important to the functioning of our family) is definitely not what the author was talking about.  Listening to yourself on a deeper level means confronting things that are difficult, but also things that are joyful.  When I spend my time running around, or just at my computer looking at celebrity gossip and filler (FB, news, emails) I am not actively engaged in my life in a meaningful way.  And unfortunately this seems to be how I do summer.  I look forward to my time "off"-I'm always so thankful that school comes to a close-in theory it's more laid back, less run around, and more "fun".  But the reality is that the weird schedule throws me off, I don't end up taking care of myself, we still don't have the time to do the "fun stuff," the kids have too much togetherness and fight, and the amount of screen time we all spend makes me cranky.

Cyber bullying. Ugh.  Well-4 kids, and in this world, it had to come up eventually.  My initial feelings are mama bear:  I want to find this kid and let him have it.  I also want to tell his mother that she needs to fucking parent and pay attention to what her kid is doing.   What have I done so far?  (besides immediately eat 2 chocolate chip cookies).  I asked A questions, and I was calm about it.  I said, oh he sounds like a jerk.  We checked his instagram account, but it was private.  I looked to see if the family is in the directory, but for better or worse, they're unlisted, and I don't know them.  I emailed the teacher to tell her-and we're going from there.  I will not fixate or freak out or get angry or cuckoo.  I'm going to be calm and act like we're handling it.  Done.  Boom.

Day 2.  No word back from the principal who the teacher referred this to.  I also haven't heard back from her on a separate email where I asked to have him moved so he's not sitting next to this kid.  However, despite my telling the older kids to not do anything, B started a fictitious instagram account to follow this kid and then saw the pic (which was mean but not awful) and reported it to be taken down.  E went beyond that and reported the kid for harassment.  I have to hand it to them:  they give A a hard time a LOT, but if anyone else messes with him-look out-they are ON IT.  We then had some great, funny conversations about bullying, teasing back and some seriously OTT come backs over dinner with the 6 of us and my parents (who relayed their own stories of being teased and bullied and even beaten up in my dad's case).  I think the whole thing ended up being positive and sort of matter of fact.

Dragging my ass through these last weeks of school-in no particular order:  all of sudden:  PROM-dress shopping, makeup, watching hair videos and oh-need shoes, and need a salad for Saturday night.  From the same child:  I need 100 paper plates in an hour.  Child number 2: volunteer hours? how many?  how to get them quickly-let us schlep you around to do this.  Late pickup after school-I heard 4, he says he told me 4:30, and still kept me waiting until 4:45.  Tonight a concert.  Tomorrow night a school event to be attended.  Child #3-the fight where I then had to have a conversation with the kid's mother, the toga for tomorrow morning, "I need rope tomorrow morning", oh by the way-it's 10pm and I totally forgot about my math homework."  Then I get to watch them all perform in Greek plays for AN HOUR AND A HALF.  Surely they could pick the best one that's 10 minutes?  Really?  We have to sit through all of them???  Child #4-just baseball: practice, the last game, the party at Chik fil A.  Oh and MEALS.  And then this weekend-the bat mitzvah-everyone get dressed up, be there on time.  Lunch there.  Come home-change clothes.  Help E get ready for Prom.  Get us all redressed up-me formal-for the party.  Sunday school-last one, praise God, but treats of some sort??  Finish the damn Science Board and project.  G: birthday party.  Then hike??  Bring a veggie tray. And dinner?? Ay Yi Yi.   Next week is the same Crazy Town Express.  THREE BIRTHDAY PARTIES.  THREE THINGS TO BAKE FOR.

20 years is a really long time to be married.  And sometimes it feels like we've always been married-and other times I can remember parts about that day, or when we were first in Chicago, that seem like they just happened.  And our life together-with all the places we've lived, our kids, travels, jobs, friends, struggles-it's kind of a big blur.  I feel like time has really sped up recently-and that's probably because we're getting ready to send E off into the world.  I've been so focused internally on that-I am kind of overwhelmed, and it's a challenge not to be emotional.   So I think I'm kind of shutting down because I am feeling this crazy mix of sadness, and ache over how fast time goes, and happiness for her, and pride in what she's accomplished so far, and excitement to see where she goes from here-it's a lot to feel and process.  Like too much.  Just breathe.  I swear we just got married, and had this beautiful baby and rented a Maryland townhouse with Ikea furniture and all these amazing things that I had looked forward to for so long-the happy marriage and babies-were finally coming true.  And now I'm in a gorgeous  house in San Diego looking out at palm trees and my four big kids are asleep upstairs, and I love my everyday life.  Being past the baby stage (as much as I yearned for it and loved it in the moment) is really a relief.  I don't think I ever processed or acknowledged how difficult that all was-are they eating enough? sleeping enough? developing properly?  And if they're not, wow-don't even know where to go with that.  I think I fronted like I was super easygoing  and relaxed, but inside I was stressed and exhausted (and my body issues reflected that for sure).  And now?  I think now that I've gotten my oldest just about to adulthood, it puts a lot of things in perspective.  So much that I did stress over and worry about were things that I had no control over, and therefore not necessary to create such anxiety or try and take action on.

I never had a vision of myself as middle aged, and when I see pictures of myself or look at my poor lumpy, varicose vein ridden legs, it's a total fucking shock.  And for so long I still felt like the same person inside.  But lately I am feeling "older" and definitely different.  I am more wise in a lot of ways,  I think I give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I'm not as defensive, I'm more open and out there with my friendships, but my weird social insecurities can occasionally still rise up at times (popular girls/rich people).  I see where people are coming from-how they're insecure and unhappy, how they're trying to do the best they can.  That's a pretty huge deal to feel empathy most of the time instead of feeling defensive and afraid or angry.  That's probably why I have so many more friends right now too.  I appreciate other people, and see them for who they are, and enjoy them.  I'm not looking for just a few people to fulfill all of my social needs.  I can have great conversations and have fun with different friends.  I also love just being home and hanging with S.  I think lately the stress of work and the shuttling of kids to a million different things and lots of outside activities is wearing on us.  I'm glad that Sunday and Monday we have nothing going on.  I want to work on the yard, go for walks, and have some quiet meals together and just reconnect.

I'm reading this book for book club and it's really annoying me.  I truly cannot believe that the author received such kudos for it and it's a best seller.  Biggest thing-this book is completely directed towards the 1% ers (of which I appear to be, and yet not) who live in either Silicon Valley, NoVa burbs or NYC burbs.  I don't think a lot of what she says pertains to most people.  I'm sorry-I don't know anyone in my circles who truly expects their kids to go to an Ivy League or a "name" school.   Also-she's laying the blame for this at the feet of the parents, while discussing 1)how schools are giving WAY too much homework-from elementary on up and 2)how difficult the college entrance process is.  Neither of these 2 MAJOR issues is the fault of the parents.  How about putting this back on our educators-at both the high school and college levels!!!  Yes, we over schedule and put our kids at the center of our universe.  But even in the examples of "how to discuss things with your kids" made me what to stab my eyeballs out: she's trying to teach you how to guide your child into analyzing what they're doing/thinking in such an obnoxious, precious way.  It's yet another way of trying to get your child to be The Best.  From a research point of view, I also think a lot of what she is complete tripe.  A lot of her "evidence" is anecdotal and examples from her own life and social circles.