20 years is a really long time to be married.  And sometimes it feels like we've always been married-and other times I can remember parts about that day, or when we were first in Chicago, that seem like they just happened.  And our life together-with all the places we've lived, our kids, travels, jobs, friends, struggles-it's kind of a big blur.  I feel like time has really sped up recently-and that's probably because we're getting ready to send E off into the world.  I've been so focused internally on that-I am kind of overwhelmed, and it's a challenge not to be emotional.   So I think I'm kind of shutting down because I am feeling this crazy mix of sadness, and ache over how fast time goes, and happiness for her, and pride in what she's accomplished so far, and excitement to see where she goes from here-it's a lot to feel and process.  Like too much.  Just breathe.  I swear we just got married, and had this beautiful baby and rented a Maryland townhouse with Ikea furniture and all these amazing things that I had looked forward to for so long-the happy marriage and babies-were finally coming true.  And now I'm in a gorgeous  house in San Diego looking out at palm trees and my four big kids are asleep upstairs, and I love my everyday life.  Being past the baby stage (as much as I yearned for it and loved it in the moment) is really a relief.  I don't think I ever processed or acknowledged how difficult that all was-are they eating enough? sleeping enough? developing properly?  And if they're not, wow-don't even know where to go with that.  I think I fronted like I was super easygoing  and relaxed, but inside I was stressed and exhausted (and my body issues reflected that for sure).  And now?  I think now that I've gotten my oldest just about to adulthood, it puts a lot of things in perspective.  So much that I did stress over and worry about were things that I had no control over, and therefore not necessary to create such anxiety or try and take action on.

I never had a vision of myself as middle aged, and when I see pictures of myself or look at my poor lumpy, varicose vein ridden legs, it's a total fucking shock.  And for so long I still felt like the same person inside.  But lately I am feeling "older" and definitely different.  I am more wise in a lot of ways,  I think I give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I'm not as defensive, I'm more open and out there with my friendships, but my weird social insecurities can occasionally still rise up at times (popular girls/rich people).  I see where people are coming from-how they're insecure and unhappy, how they're trying to do the best they can.  That's a pretty huge deal to feel empathy most of the time instead of feeling defensive and afraid or angry.  That's probably why I have so many more friends right now too.  I appreciate other people, and see them for who they are, and enjoy them.  I'm not looking for just a few people to fulfill all of my social needs.  I can have great conversations and have fun with different friends.  I also love just being home and hanging with S.  I think lately the stress of work and the shuttling of kids to a million different things and lots of outside activities is wearing on us.  I'm glad that Sunday and Monday we have nothing going on.  I want to work on the yard, go for walks, and have some quiet meals together and just reconnect.