Another sick day.  UGH.  What the heck?! 6th grade has been the year of illness for him.  Total drag. And even though he's old enough to be left alone for a bit, sleeps through the night, and I don't have to hold onto him-I still worry and fret a bit.  It's on my mind.  I need to work out-that will make me feel much better and not so yucky.

I feel stressed when he's sick.  Because? I feel annoyed that I lose my "free time" and have to keep doing the nursemaid thing and I'm not super nurturing and I feel guilty also that I can't be-"Oh, here's your tray and your vase with a flower and rest your weary head."  I was pretty much, "God dammit-you're sick AGAIN???!!!!!" (G: "Mom, you said the bad D word - money into the swear jar!")   It definitely doesn't encourage staying home unless you are truly miserable.  I'm hardcore-if you're skipping school it's because you have a fever, or had a fever last night, or something diagnosable (i.e. strep) or I've seen you throw up.  Just telling me you've puked does not cut it.

 I also may have a thought or two floating around that one of them will be the (odds WAY against) kid who goes from a slight cut on the finger to full on strep infection to death within days.  I know I'm a freak.  I do need to work on that a bit-because it's mentally exhausting to feel like any of us are steps away from death and total loss at every moment.

Sunday morning reflections

I went on the iPhone podcast app and subscribed to a whole bunch of podcasts.  So far what I've heard is okay.  I loved Hollywood Housewife's blog-which now, sadly, she's given up-but I don't know about the podcasts.  There was some Jesus in there-so clearly not my thing-the woman who runs the show is okay (she's no Diane Rehm) and so I'm not sure how much of these I'm going to listen to.  They're kind of filler.  I love the idea of them.  It reminds me of radio shows-so I feel a nostalgic pull towards them.  I see myself puttering around the kitchen listening with half an ear.  And half listening for some of these "lighter" shows is probably fine.  But is it more worthwhile than the things I'm trying to pull away from?  The draw of the celeb gossip, the home decor, the style blogs? If I'm just replacing one silly thing for another?  What do I "get" out of that?  And how much time do I have for several podcasts?  The thing I enjoy about reading the blogs is that it's quick eye candy.  Of course there's a difference too between a few minutes of "catch up" with my morning coffee, or while I'm waiting for pasta water to boil at 5:30pm and spending what amounts to hours over a day at home avoiding something (a task, a feeling).

I've felt super closed off from people this week-some weird combo of having K & F here and feeling annoyed and cranky, G's social issues at school-either real or perceived by me   when he's just hanging on me at drop off and then says he does the swings alone at recess, S getting ready to leave tomorrow for the week, the insurance weirdness, my hair (I know.  But when I first get it colored I can't wash it for a few days-no gym-grumpy me.), trying to get everyone back on the school schedule after 2 weeks off-it's a lot of yuck.  And then there's the shame of feeling like other people can handle all this (so much 1st world problem) without flipping out-why can't I?  My signs of Crazy Town Thoughts: snacky eating-buttered popcorn, bowls of chocolate chips & peppermint chips, crackers with sliced cheese, whitefish salad on crackers, almost no servings of vegetables,  very little water, no 'real' exercise.  And what do I make this mean? Do I make this mean that I'm "slipping"?  Going down the same path as always leading me to larger sizes and general malaise?  No-of course not.  I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling sad, and then adding shame and more violence to the mix.  Sometimes you let your thoughts run away unchecked.  Sometimes you feel like shit and just don't feel like trying to examine why.  You just feel awful.  And maybe that's okay. You're not the Dalai Lama.  Just because you've figured out your triggers and know that you need to work your thoughts-sometimes it just feels hard.  Maybe you can just say-it was a tough week and have that be enough.  Now-where you are-go forward.  Do the things today that you know will make your body feel good (fuel food, water, exercise) and your mind feel good (journaling, quiet meditation, thought dump, pick one thing and do some turnarounds).  Treat yourself like you've been unwell and are trying to ease back into your life-you'd get lots of rest, you'd be gentle with your expectations of how much you could do, you'd be kind to yourself if you felt like you were relapsing-you'd pay MORE attention to yourself, not less.

2015

2015: A Retrospective.
They're all great years.  That's what I think when I look back on them, and try to compare them to years past.  Of course there are things that happen that were not wonderful (hello, George's vet bill) but that's just life.  Not everything goes smoothly all of the time.  We had some really fun family vacations-Chicago for spring break, and Bmore/DC for our summer trip.  These included lovely family celebrations: Fred's 80th birthday and spending so much time with Lori & Geoff, and my parents' 50th anniversary party and hanging out with my aunts, Steve Weiss, and other family friends.   It's been exciting/poignant to realize that this is E's last school year at home, and to reflect that there were a lot of maybe "last times" (having her home for Rosh Hashanah//Yom Kippur).  We've had (per usual) a lot of family visits at Hotel Loren.  I made a conscious decision at the end of summer to scale way back on our social obligations and my volunteer commitments to calm down the pace and make the rest of my family not feel like our house is Party Central.  I think I've been pretty successful with that-I did our annual RH dessert party, and hosted a few small things, but that's really been it.  I did some catering, made up business cards, and gave some thought to expanding my personal chef gig-but for now, I've decided not to pursue that.  I've been doing a lot of journaling, introspection, walking with podcasts, and exercise time at the gym-and that's been really, really helpful.  I am realizing that this needs to be a constant thing-you don't just have a lightbulb moment, and are then "cured" of all of your crazy beliefs and actions.  I need to work at it.  I continue to be inspired by my kids-the biggest surprise of being a mother.  Not just that you're proud of who they become and what they do, but that they inspire me to take chances (E), practice what I want to get better at (B), be at peace when things don't quite go as planned (G), go for exciting things that I want (A).  S's business has continued to be successful-he definitely made a lot more money than what he had forecast.  I'm not sure if he will decide to start a fund-he's pretty conservative, and I think for now, he feels like the "safer" course is to continue to consult.  As long as he continues to like it, and it's successful-I'm all good with it.  It would be awesome if some of our stocks took off and we could get some big payouts-but you never know-it's a bit like the lottery.  My plans for this year:  continuing with my journaling, gratitude, and weaning off of so much screen time.  More reading-I will make myself a reading plan and stick with it.  More exercise- I know I keep saying trainer and pilates and don't ever actually follow through with it.  Either do it or stop mentioning it.  I want to be a do-er, not just a dream-er.  What else?  We have some great family trips coming up:  Wizarding World in a few weeks, then our big Disneyworld/Disney cruise extravaganza in June.  And of course E's graduation, A's promotion to middle school-and all the changes for our family's dynamic coming up next fall.  E & I continue to hope for DC, S continues to press for a UC-so it will be what it will be.  I am filled with equal measurements of sadness (how quickly the time has passed-she was just born, I swear, and I will miss her so much) and excitement for her (she is on the cusp of such amazing things-new experiences, new people, a whole new life-and she's someone who did not have the easiest childhood and will have a wonderful adult life.)  It will be fascinating to see how our family shifts to a house of boys and me.  What will that look like?

Anyway-thanks 2015 for another wonderful year.  And welcome 2016-it's going to be a biggie!

I was thinking yesterday (after observing some of my friends are really overweight, and myself of course) that part of big weight gains are to hide.  Somehow we think we're self protecting or becoming invisible and the irony (at least around here) is that we are way more visible at this size. If I was a size 4 and wore Lululemon, then I would blend in.  Being larger stands out.  That was a crazy revelation to myself.  The other scary feeling was that when you're overweight (again, especially around here) is that your pain is obvious to everyone else.  You're not secretly punishing yourself-it is apparent that you are basically waving a flag that says, hello-I have emotional issues.  And that is embarrassing.  Because??  I know everyone has issues-and most people do not deal with them in healthy ways.  But I feel shame that the world sees my inability to cope.  It's right out there in the open.  Not being at my natural weight means I am hurting myself.  Eating peppermint pretzels as a "treat' is no treat when it means that the sugar keeps me from falling asleep easily, my chin and next to break out, and inflammation that makes my joints achey.  That's a crazy revelation.  Sugar, and processed food and carbs and not eating whole foods means I am damaging my body.  And yes, okay, everything in moderation.  But when I know those foods will not make me feel good-in fact, other than the moments when I'm eating them I will awful from them (hello, ice cream) it is crazy to keep scarfing them down.  If I have a martini (which will give me 15 minutes of sipping pleasure) I know the next morning I will be dragging, and it will not set me up for a energetic day of feeling my best.  I can choose on occasion (like a weekend night) to have one, but I don't drink during the week (unless I'm going out for book club, or dinner with friends).  I know ice cream and too much cheese causes me stomach issues-I get really gassy, I'm farting, I'll have diarrhea.  So I don't eat ice cream anymore-because I hate feeling that way.  It's been weeks since I had stomach issues.  And it's so pleasant.  Why in the world would I exchange 5 minutes of pleasure (eating my old favorite, Ben & Jerry's) for what will be hours of stomach and tush pain? I do love cheese, and I recognize that when I have too much (like at Thanksgiving) I definitely feel it and pay for it.  I wanted this year to be a time of reflection, and listening to myself and treating myself really well-and it's definitely happening.

FB and Celeb gossip fast

I go to the computer and start looking at my usual sites as a default.  I am moving away from that.  I need a break from FB-it's a time sucker for me.

So it's been almost of a week of no looking at FB.  My next thing is just step away from the screen for bigger chunks of time.   I'm having to wean myself off of it-which just typing up those words is kind of scary. I've had a smart phone, iPad, laptop and easy internet access for so long.  And of course-it's completely helpful and necessary in today's world.  But I'm spending too much time looking at nothing.  Like-I just turn to that as a time filler instead of DOING real things.  It's a kind of crutch.  Figure out what I really "need" to do-hello, insurance stuff.  But otherwise, no other internet sites.  No celeb gossip, no home decor, no whatever other silly things I look at.  I will look when I first get up, then check my email at lunch, and then at dinner.  Done.  It's crazy that the screen time is so ingrained.  But when my family's usage is bugging me, it's time to look at my own.  I bought myself art supplies that are sitting on my desk.  There are my project areas that are not done:  my closet,  the arts & crafts mess, the playroom.  Listen to podcasts, or music.  Silence.  Journaling.  Meditation.  I've been so smart about how I've been listening to myself.  I'm actually paying attention to what my body needs: movement, water, fuel foods, very little sugar and alcohol.  Now let's pay attention to what my soul needs: peace, not chatter.  When I think about it that way, it's not a fad.  When I'm listening to myself I see what I'm clambering for-I do not want to know what everyone's beliefs and craziness are on FB.  There are great things I love seeing-what people's kids are doing, vacation pictures-but there's too much other stuff-the affirmations, and the memes, and political ranting (even when I agree with their stances).  I don't want contentious.  I want quiet.  The world can be a scary place-and right now, for my own peace of mind, I need to just go inward.  I need to be mindful of my time, my family's time, I want to feel flow and love.

Sugar

Stupid hip pain.  Ugh.  Despite ibuprofen I could feel it last night.  Not good.  It had been fine for months-so frustrating!  I need to stretch it later.  And maybe go back to the elliptical-maybe all the walking (even though I haven't done a ton of hills) is aggravating it.  All the sugar-I'm blaming that for the inflammation.  Meh.  I have definitely backed away from it-yesterday I had a small amount.  Today I really have to be even more vigilant about cutting it all out.  And I'm going upstairs to do some restorative yoga stretching.

And I was feeling so well after that-and then I had way too many fresh baked sugar cookies.  They were delicious.  One of the best things I've ever baked.  So that was it.  I will probably pay for it later when I ache. But I need some new thoughts about the whole thing.   Put into practice all of the Brooke self coaching I've been listening to, and watching.  I spent a long time this morning reflecting on everything I've been listening to and reading from her.  It's amazing.  Being kind, being patient, being committed, being non judgmental and an observer.  Taking things for what they are.  Being really honest and clear.  Liking your reasons for your actions.

I decided to go with yum, those sugar cookies were a-mazing.  Delicious.  I loved that they weren't too sweet but had a great crunch from the sugar crystals all over it.  Today I'm going to make snickerdoodles to go along with the sugar cookies for B's band dinner.  I am sure they are going to smell wonderful.  I don't eat sugar very often because it gives me joint pain, so I'll skip these.  They're not my favorites like sugar cookies.

So how does that resonate with me?  It feels a little weird-like it's new and I'm unused to it, but it doesn't feel like an untruth.  Sugar makes my body ache.  I don't want to ache.  I don't eat sugar. That seems pretty cut and dried.  I don't like how X feels in my body.  The results I get when I eat it are Y. So I am avoiding it to feel good.  I love feeling good.  I like being able to move, and stretch and go about my day without thinking about body pain like I'm 102.