Relationships

I've been thinking a lot about relationships-friendships to be exact.  When I was kid I did not have a huge circle of friends.  I had some "family friends" like Tina and the Malfattis and then-most importantly in middle & high schools-the Farrells.  I had school friends-the Coleman girls.  Laurie was a true and loyal friend from 3rd grade on.  Jeanette had been my best friend in 1st and 2nd grades-and she managed to kind of bully me and drop me. I had a very small circle in middle school.  And I was mean-girled by Andrea, and then Victoria Hoffman.  Freshman year at SRHS was a bit of a reprieve. But high school (MC) was awful for that.  I had Lisa, and the weird girls, during sophomore year.   Then we made a conscious effort to social climb-and ended up with a nice group of shy, quiet girls who also wanted to be "popular."  In a supreme bit of karma, Lisa dropped me for a more "in" group.  College I had a very small group of friends.  It really wasn't until I started working that I came into my own.  I had work friends, my old college friends-I felt confident and fun.  And then?  We moved away into the Black Hole that is Baltimore, I was suddenly surrounded by a bunch of provincial, insulated, cliquey women (both the Jews and the Christians) and my self confidence took a huge hit.  I clung to my playgroup-the majority of women I truly would not have ever been friends with prior to having a baby.  Then Howard County-I was so happy to have all my neighborhood girls to hang out with.  But it wasn't until we got here to San Diego that I feel like I really have hit my groove.  What are the tricks? Being open.  Being vulnerable.  Being visibly excited to spend time with them.  Making it a priority.  Reaching out all the time:  texting, FB, calls, lots of get togethers.  Keeping up with a wide circle of people.  What has been hugely helpful?  Letting go of the idea that every part of their life has to fit mine: husbands like each other, kids get along, we need to do ABC.  Also-and this is has been key:  I am so much more relaxed.  I don't have that desperate, needy feeling about who I'm spending time with, how much time we're spending together.  I've gotten rid of that needing to have a BFF feeling.  Part of that is as the kids get older, I feel more relaxed.  I know how little is under my control.  It's not the immediate, in the trenches kind of mothering.  So I don't have the same need to "get out" or vent.  And what I'm going to talk about is not the minutia of life with small children.  As a result, I'm actually talking to other women about things other than sleep schedules, potty training, someone's croupy cough-Lord, that was so boring.  (And I say that as a devoted stay at home mom of 4 kids who loved the whole baby/toddler stage).  Lisa asked me the other day if I'd cycled through friends since I've been here.  And I've really been thinking about that . .  .  I don't think I really have.  I was so busy when we first got here-and I liked going for coffee with Kimberly and Aalia.  But I didn't click with the other ME moms, so it wasn't like I dropped anyone.  We also had our little neighborhood playgroup-and lo and behold, I'm with some of them again because of kindergarten starting.  Other than that-I still see Kim, but just not as much.  Our families are in a season of busyness-so it's not the same.  I loved that time-and I appreciated every moment.  Maybe with Jami?  But we're still so tied together because of the havurahs, Solel.  I never felt like she was my BF although I know she felt that way about me.  But I don't have the time for that.  There's no one I want to talk to everyday other than Stefan!  I have some really great friends that I feel close to-but I also need my space.  That's probably a big difference too-I recognize that I don't need to talk to someone constantly.  I find that exhausting.  And I've felt that since we were here, and I lived it-which has been great.

Wow-things you could never imagine saying to your precious child:  "Dad and I thoroughly enjoyed our pub crawl.  Find your own ride home."  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.  I mean seriously-I think you have to have a teen to appreciate.  And I am so happy to be at this point-and it shocks me.  Truly.  I really did not anticipate how much I would feel that way.  I haven't met this kid who is having the viewing party.  I'm sure he's another speech and debate "good kid." Probably super funny and smart.  Perhaps closeted.  I don't think they're playing spin the bottle or smoking weed or drinking.  Whatever.  I don't need to know his parents. And yes- I realize if it went horribly wrong I'd look like the idiot parent stammering on tv or from the stand,  "I trusted her."  Oh for god's sake.  I'm ready to have my "freedom".  And I know I'm really far from that considering Gabriel is turning 6.  And I'm not saying I'm going to pull an AL.  But I have never (with rare exception) been a helicopter parent.   I'm right there-packing lunches, driving them all to various activities after school-but I don't feel mentally like I'm on them.  I'm not.  The 3 day parent orientations?  Um, no.  Not happening.  I'm not orientating.  THEY are.  I already went to college.  I love them.  I find them fascinating and brilliant and adorable.  I trust they will find friends and love interests that will appreciate them.  But I can't be on that journey with them.  They need to do it themselves. And maybe I'll hear about it.  I hope I'm able to be supportive and empathetic and not psycho.

We made it through the first week of OPE.  And??  It went so well.  A is in Mr. D's class-and over half the class is the same as last year.  His two very best friends are now in the class-and he's never had that before.  Ever.  I'm so happy for him.  They stayed over last night.  His first sleepover.  G got the "best" kindergarten teacher.  Liam is with him.  Lots of nice kids.  He really loved his first week.  And I feel like he is SO prepared from Donna and Emily.  The choking kid?  He told an adult, and acknowledged that the kid was just playing "rough and crazy"-nothing personal.  Nothing traumatic. I saw him on the playground-he was getting pushed and turned around and said in a firm, no nonsense kind of way-"Stop pushing me."  Both of these things are because he was coached by his teachers last year.  E got her schedule for this year-it's a dream first semester.

30 Years Later

I was so excited to go to my 30 year high school reunion.  I bought my ticket, made my travel arrangements, got Lisa to commit-never wavered.  Figured I had the summer to pull myself together and get to my "best self" and go.  And what happened?  Lisa kept talking about not remembering anyone.  And then it really dawned on me-who am I going for?  What is the point?  I had so few friends in high school-it's not like I have this wealth of happy memories to relive-what am I going to say to these strangers?  Hi-I'm happy-here's a brief rundown of my life-happily married/4kids/sandiego/sahm/liketotravel&read&entertain/lotsofvolunteeractivities/nowi'majew
It's so much money/time to spend on something that just doesn't matter.  I went to my 10 year and I got that feeling of "hey-look what I've accomplished! High school sucked but look at me now-SMC graduate, great job in HR, live in Sausalito, dating awesome guy!"
It was really nice to see some people and catch up.  But now-with FB-I have a gist of what people are up to.  And otherwise-I have nothing to prove or show.  And there's no one I need to reconnect with.  I'd rather be here with my family, potentially see the Pfeiffers (people I do care about catching up with!) and not spending $1000 for a weekend away and by myself.

Thoughts as summer winds down . . .

I'm having my usual pre-school freak out. Even though I have been saying it should be an easier year-down to 3 schools, no bar mitzvah prep, E has her license, A should have Mr. D. again-I have this underlying sense of "you never know .  .  ."  I'm a worrying freak-this I know.  No matter how I front.  Even though I appear to be a very calm and patient person-inside, not so much.  What if:  they all have awful years, E bombs her classes and her tests, A has weird social issues, B all of a sudden has the typical, awful middle school experience, G gets the "bad" teacher and hates kindergarten, all the OPE Lulu tennis playing Olivenhain bs mom crap, somebody has health issues, we have weird financial issues, I overcommit to Solel and end up doing stuff I hate, dealing with my parents & my bro, this fall we're pretty much going to have a month of houseguests.  Okay-and clearly I've had a lot of crappy thinking and acting going on for the last 6 weeks.  Why?  Punishing myself?  Trying to disappear so I don't have to interact?  What's the deal?  I feel like crap.  When I feel like crap I don't want to see people, I just want to hide out.  I had been doing a lot of social stuff-feeling like I was really starting to make good, solid friendships with people I truly enjoy (opposite of havurah social scene which just felt like I was filling my weekend).  So why would I be shutting down?  Because along with that can come weird drama (Solel) and interactions.  Sometimes I feel like it's easier to keep it superficial because there's less angst.  There's also less real connection-I recognize this.  Also-it was such a busy year, I was/am upset with my parents over the bar mitzvah, I was trying to hibernate in a sense.  Just zone out.  But all the stuff I was doing was the opposite of re-engergizing.  I know this rationally.  Eating crap food and not moving my body, drinking too much, procrastinating on getting the house/myself pulled together, not really dealing with the kids and Stefan-it digs me deeper into a hole.  And even though I recognized it, instead of bouncing back-I accelerated the process.  I pushed myself further down.  Ugh.  It's this seriously shitty cycle that I can't seem to break free from.  I guess the highways in my brain are so ingrained with this crap-it's what I always revert to.  Even though I have had so much coaching.  Even though I know about turnarounds.  (of course knowing them and doing them are two DIFFERENT things).  Even though I see myself very clearly doing it-buying the snack foods I'll binge on, charging the iPad to lay on the coach, obsessively checking those celeb gossip sites.  I started it also when I realized I was losing weight in the late spring.  It freaked me right out.  Because ????????????  In my mind when I look healthy and strong and feel energetic and my best-I radiate good energy, I draw people to me and that's scary?  I feel vulnerable? I'll need to do "more" and have to "get out there" and that's scary?  Because ???  this is the crux of it.  this is what I need to discover and work through.  is it the same old middle school bullshit?  my family crap?  I'm so sick of being defined by a few emotionally disturbed kids, a fragile mother, and my quivering sense of self.  UGH.  Enough.  NO-clearly it's not "enough".  It's still there and they are old, ingrained beliefs and thoughts that I need to attack head on each and every time.  They are not going to go away.  I need to actively practice turnarounds so these things don't snowball.

You asked for it-you got it.

I was so bemused when Mike Taylor was being so appreciative of how welcoming I've been to Jill since she's kind of the "outsider".  I was thinking-wait, that's me.  I was the last wife to appear on the scene.  They all met during college.  They all knew and were friends with Shelly during college.  I didn't have those "hang out" college bonding times.  Perspective is sure personal.

Hello Summer

I can't put it off any longer.  Summer is here.  I want to revel in it.  Enjoy my kids.  I only have TWO more summers before E goes off to college.  Why was I in such a rush to get past this??  To try and do something else besides this??  Craziness.  Do more of what you love and less of what you don't like.  That was one smack-me-upside-the-head post by Meadow.  Primary questions:  what am I looking forward to today?  what is something I can learn?  have fun with?  Not the icky "to do" list.  And standing in my truth?  I need to unravel this business venture stat.  I do NOT want to go into business with her.  I don't want to do this type of business.  If it had happened organically-a little personal organizing, a little helping out, and I had enjoyed it: awesome.  But it has not-and I don't want to spend time any more of my precious time networking, marketing or getting "out there" promoting.  I need to explain this to Stefan, get his blessing, and talk to her.  It's weighing me down.  I literally feel gross thinking about it.  The entire time I've had a weird feeling about it, about her-and I overrode my instincts by talking myself into it.  Is this one more thing I'm quitting?  Yes-because it's one more thing that I didn't fully think through, get a good gut check and go with.  It was a path of least resistance.  I sort of feel like I slept-walked into it.  Those are the things that later I wake up to and think, what the hell am I doing here?  Selling dictation equipment?  Working in an escrow office with a bunch of people who are one step away from blue collar workers?  Going to a college with about 25 people from high school so it's just an extension of Marin Catholic (which I hated)?  Dating who?  Living in Baltimore?  The decisions that I was fully engaged by:  dating Stefan, working at Olsten and then Basic American, moving to San Diego, converting to Judaism, having a big family, making friendships where I am truly myself, finding Brooke and everyone I've met from her and coaching, the whole coaching model-these are things where I feel awake, and energized, comforted, engaged-totally and completely true.  I am not going to whine or kvetch anymore about not doing "something else." I am going to enjoy each fucking day.  I am going to spin, and do weights, walk, work on my friendships, cook, write, spend time with my kids, devote time to Stefan, read, look for some volunteer work, maybe at Solel.   That's it.

Where I am Now

Where I am now .  .  .  working on this business, half in/half out.  Sort of wondering why I couldn't just be satisfied with the everyday, the occasional project, the ft mothering/wife-ing.  Knowing that is fear talking.  I was not complete with just that.  I have wanted "more" for a long time.  Just wasn't sure what "more" is.  And going to that luncheon and feeling partially intimidated (lord, I hate public speaking and meeting new people) and then also seeing how cool it is that all these resources exist.  I can help my parents if nothing else.  Knowing that if I persist, I too will have knowledge/helpful information to share.  I will be helping other people.  And once I'm actually doing "the job" this other stuff-the marketing, the networking (which I dread, yet part of me actually does like, hello Communications major) will be so much easier.  Right now I feel like a fraud? or someone who is just doing it for the money?  or as a business opportunity?  If I just got out there and went to a few senior centers, or volunteered and actually met the people I want to help it would be SO much easier. I know this.  I am kind.  I have common sense.  I am a good listener.  I am organized.  I am calm.  These are all great qualities for working with seniors.  From just these months of setting up (despite the overall reluctance that I demonstrate) I fully realize that I don't just want to SAHM anymore.  I don't want to do PTA, or be the band mom or just work out.  And I don't say that to denigrate any of those things-because they are all important.  But I do want to have something that is more fulfilling.

Getting Coached

I knew I was starting to freak out.  I've stopped eating Paleo, pretty much stopped exercising, am not meditating, I'm drinking a lot in the name of "celebrating", binge eating salty snacks, mindlessly internet surfing, playing scramble all the fricking time. I've just zoned out.  I even did all of that on my "rejuvenation" trip to Florida.  I'm feeling disconnected, exhausted and cranky. .  But to my credit-I've recognized that.  I went back to Suyin for coaching.  And we worked those thoughts-got to the crux.  And I do feel better.  I'm still not at my optimum self care speed-but I've turned the corner. She really helped me look honestly at what I was thinking and addressed each thought and feeling.  And I created some new thoughts that feel true and empowering.  I've pointed myself in the right direction.  So much better than punishing myself for being stressed and scared by going to WW!

Parenting Teens

I love parenting teens.  There:  I said it.  I love their sense of humor, their friends, I revel in their accomplishments, I'm blown away by their intelligence and unique gifts.  When they were little I seemed to relish what they did that seemed familiar, and felt comfort in how they fit in.  And now-maybe because of my age and sense of security-I love to see how much different they are than me, Stefan or any one else.  I'm fascinated and proud by how musical B is, how smart and world-aware E is.  I see how she's not super girly and outgoing (which stressed me out when she was younger quite honestly) is such an amazing thing.  She's the antithesis of a Drama Girl while still being kind and tactful.  B's sense of humor, his quick, dry wit is so fantastic.  I know there will be things that pop up-they're still kids after all with not a huge sense of time/responsibility/consequences.  But I feel such a sense of relaxation with them that I did not feel when they were younger.  For all I loved having babies, the snuggling, the kisses, the simple times- I did feel an underlying sense of unease.  Are they developing normally?  They seem so different than other kids-is there something else I should be doing to change/foster/control their behavior?  At this point I see they're that they're lovely, polite, smart, kind, talented young people.  I can assist with guiding and suggesting, coaching and cheerleading-but that burden (that I put upon myself and was futile anyway) of control is gone.