Room Mom Drama!

Wow-what a great way to test me.  Put a group of "popular" girls in my class, have them want something I asked to do (Room Mom), get denied, freak out!  These women were never going to be my friends.  But they're a clique-and I totally have my issues with cliques.  G is not going to be friends with their kids.  So on the one hand, I'm bemused and feel like they're pathetic.  (Really-on the email we were addressed as "Room Moms" instead of our names-lololol).  On the other hand-I hate when I think people don't like me or are upset with me.  I feel bad for J.  Because she was friends with them and they're being ridiculous and giving her a hard time.  Betrayal! Cover-ups! Friendship! These women need jobs or actual problems if they're going to be upset over this.  How insane are they?!  What is the adult thing for me to do?  I'm going to host this event with J.  We are going to come up with sign-up sheets and I'm going to ask the working moms if they want to sign up prior to opening it up to the brunch.  And if the clique is upset and doesn't come to my house-awesome!  I'm happy to do the parties with the nice moms.  I don't feel a big need to walk up to school and hang out anymore.  Although maybe G wants me to.  If we didn't have this stupid street with no crosswalk and the insane drivers, I would completely let him walk home alone too.  Maybe I'll just hang out in front and help cross the street.  That would work.  I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life.  HIS elementary school is not MY life.  

Will we get everything done before she leaves? No.  Are there stores and Amazon Prime?  Yes.  Is she capable of figuring it all out for herself?  Yes.  Stay in your own lane.  You're not the one who's going off-you did that already.  Stop flipping out.  I am so going to miss her-and the reality is she's never going to live here again.  She will come back for a few summers, and her breaks-but that will be it.  And when she's asking about maybe coming home at Thanksgiving-and you had to say no: cost/time-I know it's not to see us, it's to see her friends.  That's a crazy realization.  But I know it's completely normal.  It would not be good if she couldn't leave us.  She's an adult now with her own friends. (And to be honest, having one fewer person in the house to be responsible for is actually really appealing.)  I'm trying to focus on that rather than being sad that this part of my life is over: it's like when we took down the crib.  Yes-we will never have all 4 kids home other than a vacation or a school break.  Things are definitely going to be different.  But I don't want to be pining for it.  I loved it.  (Most of it.)  It's not like I have any serious regrets.  I remember when she was a baby and I had playgroup friends who couldn't wait for their child to be onto the next stage: walking or talking or potty trained. I NEVER felt that way.  I never was wishing the time away-I was fully in that moment.  I need to acknowledge that-I fully wanted the big family and the chaos and the mess.  I am so fortunate that I was able to have what I wanted more than anything else.  Now we're moving on.  And that's good too.  I am so excited for her to go to her dream school in her dream city and see what amazing things she does.

I feel such a mix of emotions about E going off to college.  I think I felt more sad months ago with the realization that it's really the end of an era.  (And she was anxious and stressed and hanging out more and needing my support-it's totally changed in the last few months.)  Our family is going to be so different.  We've had all of these different versions of us-from the newlyweds on the move, to the couple with the baby, to a family of 4, to us with 3 kids and now almost 8 years with G.  And with each of these versions I have these pictures in my head: the young couple, madly in love about to take off across country, then with E in Bmore-some adorable little outfit on-in our townhouse in Owings Mills; then in the South Road house and all its leafy, humid, splendor-with the 2 of them on playing on my bed "Make your super baby muscles.  Say it loud, say it proud: I'm a baby"; and then it's fall at the Milkshake concert at the BMA with E, B and baby A-and I'm crying because I'm so happy; and Friday night dance parties with everybody, and a Starbucks somewhere in Pennsylvania with someone remarking on how beautiful they all are, and trips to Disneyland and Universal and WDW.  And now? She's ready to move on with her life-and I remember so clearly what that was like.  I couldn't wait to begin with college, and career, and new friends, and romances and travel-so I can only hope for her that she's all in and ready to experience it all.   And our family is moving on to unknown territory.  Before I was kind of dreading it because what I have had: the big, wonderful family with lots of babies and little people, is all over-and that was all I wanted when I was younger.  Now I have to create new dreams, and new plans-and while I had been anxious and sad and unsure-I'm actually really getting excited.  I'm looking on the bright side-what can be great about having older kids, fewer kids to contend with, what do we want to do as a couple, what do I want to do myself.

In the book I've been reading to G, the main character is a composer who spends his days at his piano writing music.  The author describes how his process involves listening outside of himself, and also listening INside himself.  G was asking what that meant.  So we tried it together:  we were sitting on my bed and had the windows open-and we stopped speaking, listened to the sounds and then described them to each other: the wind rustling the trees, birds tweeting, the traffic sounds cascading up the canyon.  Listening to the inside of ourselves was a little more difficult to explain-I said it was being very quiet, closing your eyes and listening to your thoughts as they come up.  For me-lately-what is coming up are just checklists: get so and so here or there, call, email, text, pick up, don't forget.  All that minutia (while certainly important to the functioning of our family) is definitely not what the author was talking about.  Listening to yourself on a deeper level means confronting things that are difficult, but also things that are joyful.  When I spend my time running around, or just at my computer looking at celebrity gossip and filler (FB, news, emails) I am not actively engaged in my life in a meaningful way.  And unfortunately this seems to be how I do summer.  I look forward to my time "off"-I'm always so thankful that school comes to a close-in theory it's more laid back, less run around, and more "fun".  But the reality is that the weird schedule throws me off, I don't end up taking care of myself, we still don't have the time to do the "fun stuff," the kids have too much togetherness and fight, and the amount of screen time we all spend makes me cranky.

Cyber bullying. Ugh.  Well-4 kids, and in this world, it had to come up eventually.  My initial feelings are mama bear:  I want to find this kid and let him have it.  I also want to tell his mother that she needs to fucking parent and pay attention to what her kid is doing.   What have I done so far?  (besides immediately eat 2 chocolate chip cookies).  I asked A questions, and I was calm about it.  I said, oh he sounds like a jerk.  We checked his instagram account, but it was private.  I looked to see if the family is in the directory, but for better or worse, they're unlisted, and I don't know them.  I emailed the teacher to tell her-and we're going from there.  I will not fixate or freak out or get angry or cuckoo.  I'm going to be calm and act like we're handling it.  Done.  Boom.

Day 2.  No word back from the principal who the teacher referred this to.  I also haven't heard back from her on a separate email where I asked to have him moved so he's not sitting next to this kid.  However, despite my telling the older kids to not do anything, B started a fictitious instagram account to follow this kid and then saw the pic (which was mean but not awful) and reported it to be taken down.  E went beyond that and reported the kid for harassment.  I have to hand it to them:  they give A a hard time a LOT, but if anyone else messes with him-look out-they are ON IT.  We then had some great, funny conversations about bullying, teasing back and some seriously OTT come backs over dinner with the 6 of us and my parents (who relayed their own stories of being teased and bullied and even beaten up in my dad's case).  I think the whole thing ended up being positive and sort of matter of fact.

Dragging my ass through these last weeks of school-in no particular order:  all of sudden:  PROM-dress shopping, makeup, watching hair videos and oh-need shoes, and need a salad for Saturday night.  From the same child:  I need 100 paper plates in an hour.  Child number 2: volunteer hours? how many?  how to get them quickly-let us schlep you around to do this.  Late pickup after school-I heard 4, he says he told me 4:30, and still kept me waiting until 4:45.  Tonight a concert.  Tomorrow night a school event to be attended.  Child #3-the fight where I then had to have a conversation with the kid's mother, the toga for tomorrow morning, "I need rope tomorrow morning", oh by the way-it's 10pm and I totally forgot about my math homework."  Then I get to watch them all perform in Greek plays for AN HOUR AND A HALF.  Surely they could pick the best one that's 10 minutes?  Really?  We have to sit through all of them???  Child #4-just baseball: practice, the last game, the party at Chik fil A.  Oh and MEALS.  And then this weekend-the bat mitzvah-everyone get dressed up, be there on time.  Lunch there.  Come home-change clothes.  Help E get ready for Prom.  Get us all redressed up-me formal-for the party.  Sunday school-last one, praise God, but treats of some sort??  Finish the damn Science Board and project.  G: birthday party.  Then hike??  Bring a veggie tray. And dinner?? Ay Yi Yi.   Next week is the same Crazy Town Express.  THREE BIRTHDAY PARTIES.  THREE THINGS TO BAKE FOR.

20 years is a really long time to be married.  And sometimes it feels like we've always been married-and other times I can remember parts about that day, or when we were first in Chicago, that seem like they just happened.  And our life together-with all the places we've lived, our kids, travels, jobs, friends, struggles-it's kind of a big blur.  I feel like time has really sped up recently-and that's probably because we're getting ready to send E off into the world.  I've been so focused internally on that-I am kind of overwhelmed, and it's a challenge not to be emotional.   So I think I'm kind of shutting down because I am feeling this crazy mix of sadness, and ache over how fast time goes, and happiness for her, and pride in what she's accomplished so far, and excitement to see where she goes from here-it's a lot to feel and process.  Like too much.  Just breathe.  I swear we just got married, and had this beautiful baby and rented a Maryland townhouse with Ikea furniture and all these amazing things that I had looked forward to for so long-the happy marriage and babies-were finally coming true.  And now I'm in a gorgeous  house in San Diego looking out at palm trees and my four big kids are asleep upstairs, and I love my everyday life.  Being past the baby stage (as much as I yearned for it and loved it in the moment) is really a relief.  I don't think I ever processed or acknowledged how difficult that all was-are they eating enough? sleeping enough? developing properly?  And if they're not, wow-don't even know where to go with that.  I think I fronted like I was super easygoing  and relaxed, but inside I was stressed and exhausted (and my body issues reflected that for sure).  And now?  I think now that I've gotten my oldest just about to adulthood, it puts a lot of things in perspective.  So much that I did stress over and worry about were things that I had no control over, and therefore not necessary to create such anxiety or try and take action on.

I never had a vision of myself as middle aged, and when I see pictures of myself or look at my poor lumpy, varicose vein ridden legs, it's a total fucking shock.  And for so long I still felt like the same person inside.  But lately I am feeling "older" and definitely different.  I am more wise in a lot of ways,  I think I give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I'm not as defensive, I'm more open and out there with my friendships, but my weird social insecurities can occasionally still rise up at times (popular girls/rich people).  I see where people are coming from-how they're insecure and unhappy, how they're trying to do the best they can.  That's a pretty huge deal to feel empathy most of the time instead of feeling defensive and afraid or angry.  That's probably why I have so many more friends right now too.  I appreciate other people, and see them for who they are, and enjoy them.  I'm not looking for just a few people to fulfill all of my social needs.  I can have great conversations and have fun with different friends.  I also love just being home and hanging with S.  I think lately the stress of work and the shuttling of kids to a million different things and lots of outside activities is wearing on us.  I'm glad that Sunday and Monday we have nothing going on.  I want to work on the yard, go for walks, and have some quiet meals together and just reconnect.

I'm reading this book for book club and it's really annoying me.  I truly cannot believe that the author received such kudos for it and it's a best seller.  Biggest thing-this book is completely directed towards the 1% ers (of which I appear to be, and yet not) who live in either Silicon Valley, NoVa burbs or NYC burbs.  I don't think a lot of what she says pertains to most people.  I'm sorry-I don't know anyone in my circles who truly expects their kids to go to an Ivy League or a "name" school.   Also-she's laying the blame for this at the feet of the parents, while discussing 1)how schools are giving WAY too much homework-from elementary on up and 2)how difficult the college entrance process is.  Neither of these 2 MAJOR issues is the fault of the parents.  How about putting this back on our educators-at both the high school and college levels!!!  Yes, we over schedule and put our kids at the center of our universe.  But even in the examples of "how to discuss things with your kids" made me what to stab my eyeballs out: she's trying to teach you how to guide your child into analyzing what they're doing/thinking in such an obnoxious, precious way.  It's yet another way of trying to get your child to be The Best.  From a research point of view, I also think a lot of what she is complete tripe.  A lot of her "evidence" is anecdotal and examples from her own life and social circles.

Going to the bris today and feeling like my own sons' were a million years ago.  B was really the only one who had the traditional bris: our house, 40 people, catered by Joan & Gary's, I cried through the prayers and left the room during the actual circumcision.  And A's was at our house with a mohel, and my parents and that was it.  For G, we just had the doctor do it at the hospital.  We had no real Jewish community at that point.  We didn't belong to a synagogue.  We didn't have a ton of friends.  We had no Jewish relatives who would come for it, other than K.  L  had already died.  And we had a big naming for E at Baltimore Hebrew, and then a party at home.  It's such a weird tradition.  A medical procedure where we all observe, clap, sing, and then eat.  Weird.  I am feeling such a meh feeling over the whole Judaism thing as of late.  I have no interest in doing more study, or being more observant.  I'm glad I converted.  I like our Jewish community.  I am glad we raised the kids with something.  But currently I am in the "I just don't care" phase.  Perhaps once I start going to more services with all the upcoming bnai mitzvot and prepping A for his I will get more into it.  Or not.  It's not that I doubt the existence of a plan, or God-or the feeling that we're all interconnected-but I don't need to follow the tenets of Judaism for all of that.  And I don't know that studying more about Judaism, or somehow getting more into it, is the way.  I also think the whole Jesus thing-that he is somehow the only Real way to God-is cuckoo.  Eating certain foods, or praying certain things, or belief in a specific thing-I guess I'm too much of a cynic-but I don't think that is "it".    Believe whatever you want, but don't impose those beliefs on others.  I'm really more "Golden Rule"-do unto others.  Be a kind person, try to help others.  The End.

That girl.  Not only did she get into Cal Poly SLO, UCSB, UC Davis, Northeastern, American University with a $12K scholarship, she got into her absolute favorite school:  George Washington with a $20K scholarship AND into the super prestigious Elliott School of International Affairs.  I am crying.  Because not only has she worked her butt off for all of high school, and is such a fantastic person-she had such a tough childhood socially and with her motor skills.  She had to have occupational therapy for years.  She had such a rough go in  elementary school and at Mt View with the whole social scene.  She was not one of those giggly, girly-girls.  She was just different, an old soul-and she was bullied.  And she has absolutely blossomed since we moved here, since she went to SDA.  She deserves every bit of wonderful that comes her way! And now: she is about to take off on this amazing adventure.  I cannot even fathom all the stuff she will see and do, and all the interesting people she will meet.  I am in fucking AWE of her.   Proud doesn't even come close to describing what I feel for her.  She is going to go off and do wonderful things.  I just had to have faith in her and in the universe.  I need to remember that when I'm frustrated with the boys or worried about them.  It will all end up the way it's meant to.

If I could back in time, to when she was 4 or when she was in 6th grade-what would I say to myself?  She is going to do amazing things.  She is a beautiful, funny, smart, hard working person.  She will be happy and have friends and be going places you cannot fathom.  She's moving so far beyond all of this.  Relax.  Just enjoy her.  Make her feel good about herself.  Focus on her strengths and interests.  Don't worry about the rest.

When I was at G's conference all I could think most of the time is that this is total bs.  We will continue to read together, and he can read alone when he feels like it (or maybe I will mandate reading times for everybody).  He's doing just fine.  I don't care what "level" he's at.  He's a very fluid reader and reads with expression.  If he can retell the story he's doing fine.  He may not pick up on every nuance but whatever.  I don't care.  I never test him on spelling-I think first grade spelling is ridiculous.  And the common core math is absurd.  I'm just going to smile and tell him he's awesome. Done.  Whatever.  E learned completely different things and different ways in elementary school.  And she's brilliant and hard working and fine.  I am not going to get hung up on what they say.  I was much more thrilled to hear that he's happy and loves being there.  That's all I care about.   The rest they figure out.  That is one of the biggest blessings of being an older mom and having older kids.

I was just looking over the letter we got from SDA the other day about the last months of school and information about prom, senior awards night, graduation-dates, times.  I said out loud, "Getting to the end .  .  ."  and then thought from E's point of view, "Getting to the beginning .  .  ."

I couldn't wait to get out and go to college and start my life.  I was scared-hence why I went so close to home to the ultimate safe school, but I was away from home and thrilled.  No matter how much she loves us, loves home-it's time for childhood to be over and for her adult life to start.  All the things she'll get to do, friends she'll make, romances she'll have, things she'll learn .  .  . The bizarre thing is-so much we'll never know anything about.  It goes so fast.  I waited my whole life to have a baby, be a mother.  I swear I was just pregnant, wearing those maternity overalls, living in Baltimore, and rocking in her nursery-couldn't wait to meet her, hold her, kiss her.  Then here we are: 18 years later and she's ready to head out into the world.

The book, Everything I Never Told You, was kind of amazing.  The way the author, Celeste Ng, was able to capture each character and their thoughts, struggles, backstory-the ways we hope for our children, the pressures we put on them-whether we say it out loud or not, our thoughts about our parents, the relationships between siblings, between parents and children, between a married couple.  Living vicariously through your children.  Of seeing what you want to see.  Or the things you see-what you make that mean.  When you've had painful experiences and you see your children going through the same thing.  Social issues.   Feeling like an outsider.

It made me think back to my parents trying to offer advice about my weight ("you're too sedentary", "not so many potatoes" and something about having boys like me if I was thinner-the exact words I have clearly blocked out-usually said by my dad, clearly put up to it by my mother and obviously a big topic of discussion between them) and how fucking horrible and decide-ly UNhelpful it was.  I do not blame them for this in anyway.  As a parent of teens when you see something that is clearly painful for your child and you're trying to "help" and "fix it" and since they're not three and you cannot make it better or control their behavior (not that you could at three either, that is a complete illusion that I learned beautifully from my daughter) and the only thing you can try is Words, Words, Words.  And your amazing, brilliant, gorgeous, hilarious, lovable child just hears criticism and judgment on top of what is CLEARLY a painful situation for them.  Because they are WELL aware that they are shy/socially awkward/should have more friends/overweight/not doing well enough in geometry/not attractive to the opposite sex.  And what they need is someone telling them that despite their feelings of inadequacy they are fucking AWESOME, and will be able to figure it all out in due time.  And again, I'm not resentful and bitter towards my parents, because I have done the same hideous thing, multiple times with multiple children.  That ends now.  They are wonderful, and the things they struggle with are things they will figure out.  They need encouragement not "helpful hints" or pointing out all the ways that they are deficient.  That's one of my biggest takeaways from this book.

Another sick day.  UGH.  What the heck?! 6th grade has been the year of illness for him.  Total drag. And even though he's old enough to be left alone for a bit, sleeps through the night, and I don't have to hold onto him-I still worry and fret a bit.  It's on my mind.  I need to work out-that will make me feel much better and not so yucky.

I feel stressed when he's sick.  Because? I feel annoyed that I lose my "free time" and have to keep doing the nursemaid thing and I'm not super nurturing and I feel guilty also that I can't be-"Oh, here's your tray and your vase with a flower and rest your weary head."  I was pretty much, "God dammit-you're sick AGAIN???!!!!!" (G: "Mom, you said the bad D word - money into the swear jar!")   It definitely doesn't encourage staying home unless you are truly miserable.  I'm hardcore-if you're skipping school it's because you have a fever, or had a fever last night, or something diagnosable (i.e. strep) or I've seen you throw up.  Just telling me you've puked does not cut it.

 I also may have a thought or two floating around that one of them will be the (odds WAY against) kid who goes from a slight cut on the finger to full on strep infection to death within days.  I know I'm a freak.  I do need to work on that a bit-because it's mentally exhausting to feel like any of us are steps away from death and total loss at every moment.

Sunday morning reflections

I went on the iPhone podcast app and subscribed to a whole bunch of podcasts.  So far what I've heard is okay.  I loved Hollywood Housewife's blog-which now, sadly, she's given up-but I don't know about the podcasts.  There was some Jesus in there-so clearly not my thing-the woman who runs the show is okay (she's no Diane Rehm) and so I'm not sure how much of these I'm going to listen to.  They're kind of filler.  I love the idea of them.  It reminds me of radio shows-so I feel a nostalgic pull towards them.  I see myself puttering around the kitchen listening with half an ear.  And half listening for some of these "lighter" shows is probably fine.  But is it more worthwhile than the things I'm trying to pull away from?  The draw of the celeb gossip, the home decor, the style blogs? If I'm just replacing one silly thing for another?  What do I "get" out of that?  And how much time do I have for several podcasts?  The thing I enjoy about reading the blogs is that it's quick eye candy.  Of course there's a difference too between a few minutes of "catch up" with my morning coffee, or while I'm waiting for pasta water to boil at 5:30pm and spending what amounts to hours over a day at home avoiding something (a task, a feeling).

I've felt super closed off from people this week-some weird combo of having K & F here and feeling annoyed and cranky, G's social issues at school-either real or perceived by me   when he's just hanging on me at drop off and then says he does the swings alone at recess, S getting ready to leave tomorrow for the week, the insurance weirdness, my hair (I know.  But when I first get it colored I can't wash it for a few days-no gym-grumpy me.), trying to get everyone back on the school schedule after 2 weeks off-it's a lot of yuck.  And then there's the shame of feeling like other people can handle all this (so much 1st world problem) without flipping out-why can't I?  My signs of Crazy Town Thoughts: snacky eating-buttered popcorn, bowls of chocolate chips & peppermint chips, crackers with sliced cheese, whitefish salad on crackers, almost no servings of vegetables,  very little water, no 'real' exercise.  And what do I make this mean? Do I make this mean that I'm "slipping"?  Going down the same path as always leading me to larger sizes and general malaise?  No-of course not.  I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling sad, and then adding shame and more violence to the mix.  Sometimes you let your thoughts run away unchecked.  Sometimes you feel like shit and just don't feel like trying to examine why.  You just feel awful.  And maybe that's okay. You're not the Dalai Lama.  Just because you've figured out your triggers and know that you need to work your thoughts-sometimes it just feels hard.  Maybe you can just say-it was a tough week and have that be enough.  Now-where you are-go forward.  Do the things today that you know will make your body feel good (fuel food, water, exercise) and your mind feel good (journaling, quiet meditation, thought dump, pick one thing and do some turnarounds).  Treat yourself like you've been unwell and are trying to ease back into your life-you'd get lots of rest, you'd be gentle with your expectations of how much you could do, you'd be kind to yourself if you felt like you were relapsing-you'd pay MORE attention to yourself, not less.