2015

2015: A Retrospective.
They're all great years.  That's what I think when I look back on them, and try to compare them to years past.  Of course there are things that happen that were not wonderful (hello, George's vet bill) but that's just life.  Not everything goes smoothly all of the time.  We had some really fun family vacations-Chicago for spring break, and Bmore/DC for our summer trip.  These included lovely family celebrations: Fred's 80th birthday and spending so much time with Lori & Geoff, and my parents' 50th anniversary party and hanging out with my aunts, Steve Weiss, and other family friends.   It's been exciting/poignant to realize that this is E's last school year at home, and to reflect that there were a lot of maybe "last times" (having her home for Rosh Hashanah//Yom Kippur).  We've had (per usual) a lot of family visits at Hotel Loren.  I made a conscious decision at the end of summer to scale way back on our social obligations and my volunteer commitments to calm down the pace and make the rest of my family not feel like our house is Party Central.  I think I've been pretty successful with that-I did our annual RH dessert party, and hosted a few small things, but that's really been it.  I did some catering, made up business cards, and gave some thought to expanding my personal chef gig-but for now, I've decided not to pursue that.  I've been doing a lot of journaling, introspection, walking with podcasts, and exercise time at the gym-and that's been really, really helpful.  I am realizing that this needs to be a constant thing-you don't just have a lightbulb moment, and are then "cured" of all of your crazy beliefs and actions.  I need to work at it.  I continue to be inspired by my kids-the biggest surprise of being a mother.  Not just that you're proud of who they become and what they do, but that they inspire me to take chances (E), practice what I want to get better at (B), be at peace when things don't quite go as planned (G), go for exciting things that I want (A).  S's business has continued to be successful-he definitely made a lot more money than what he had forecast.  I'm not sure if he will decide to start a fund-he's pretty conservative, and I think for now, he feels like the "safer" course is to continue to consult.  As long as he continues to like it, and it's successful-I'm all good with it.  It would be awesome if some of our stocks took off and we could get some big payouts-but you never know-it's a bit like the lottery.  My plans for this year:  continuing with my journaling, gratitude, and weaning off of so much screen time.  More reading-I will make myself a reading plan and stick with it.  More exercise- I know I keep saying trainer and pilates and don't ever actually follow through with it.  Either do it or stop mentioning it.  I want to be a do-er, not just a dream-er.  What else?  We have some great family trips coming up:  Wizarding World in a few weeks, then our big Disneyworld/Disney cruise extravaganza in June.  And of course E's graduation, A's promotion to middle school-and all the changes for our family's dynamic coming up next fall.  E & I continue to hope for DC, S continues to press for a UC-so it will be what it will be.  I am filled with equal measurements of sadness (how quickly the time has passed-she was just born, I swear, and I will miss her so much) and excitement for her (she is on the cusp of such amazing things-new experiences, new people, a whole new life-and she's someone who did not have the easiest childhood and will have a wonderful adult life.)  It will be fascinating to see how our family shifts to a house of boys and me.  What will that look like?

Anyway-thanks 2015 for another wonderful year.  And welcome 2016-it's going to be a biggie!

I was thinking yesterday (after observing some of my friends are really overweight, and myself of course) that part of big weight gains are to hide.  Somehow we think we're self protecting or becoming invisible and the irony (at least around here) is that we are way more visible at this size. If I was a size 4 and wore Lululemon, then I would blend in.  Being larger stands out.  That was a crazy revelation to myself.  The other scary feeling was that when you're overweight (again, especially around here) is that your pain is obvious to everyone else.  You're not secretly punishing yourself-it is apparent that you are basically waving a flag that says, hello-I have emotional issues.  And that is embarrassing.  Because??  I know everyone has issues-and most people do not deal with them in healthy ways.  But I feel shame that the world sees my inability to cope.  It's right out there in the open.  Not being at my natural weight means I am hurting myself.  Eating peppermint pretzels as a "treat' is no treat when it means that the sugar keeps me from falling asleep easily, my chin and next to break out, and inflammation that makes my joints achey.  That's a crazy revelation.  Sugar, and processed food and carbs and not eating whole foods means I am damaging my body.  And yes, okay, everything in moderation.  But when I know those foods will not make me feel good-in fact, other than the moments when I'm eating them I will awful from them (hello, ice cream) it is crazy to keep scarfing them down.  If I have a martini (which will give me 15 minutes of sipping pleasure) I know the next morning I will be dragging, and it will not set me up for a energetic day of feeling my best.  I can choose on occasion (like a weekend night) to have one, but I don't drink during the week (unless I'm going out for book club, or dinner with friends).  I know ice cream and too much cheese causes me stomach issues-I get really gassy, I'm farting, I'll have diarrhea.  So I don't eat ice cream anymore-because I hate feeling that way.  It's been weeks since I had stomach issues.  And it's so pleasant.  Why in the world would I exchange 5 minutes of pleasure (eating my old favorite, Ben & Jerry's) for what will be hours of stomach and tush pain? I do love cheese, and I recognize that when I have too much (like at Thanksgiving) I definitely feel it and pay for it.  I wanted this year to be a time of reflection, and listening to myself and treating myself really well-and it's definitely happening.

FB and Celeb gossip fast

I go to the computer and start looking at my usual sites as a default.  I am moving away from that.  I need a break from FB-it's a time sucker for me.

So it's been almost of a week of no looking at FB.  My next thing is just step away from the screen for bigger chunks of time.   I'm having to wean myself off of it-which just typing up those words is kind of scary. I've had a smart phone, iPad, laptop and easy internet access for so long.  And of course-it's completely helpful and necessary in today's world.  But I'm spending too much time looking at nothing.  Like-I just turn to that as a time filler instead of DOING real things.  It's a kind of crutch.  Figure out what I really "need" to do-hello, insurance stuff.  But otherwise, no other internet sites.  No celeb gossip, no home decor, no whatever other silly things I look at.  I will look when I first get up, then check my email at lunch, and then at dinner.  Done.  It's crazy that the screen time is so ingrained.  But when my family's usage is bugging me, it's time to look at my own.  I bought myself art supplies that are sitting on my desk.  There are my project areas that are not done:  my closet,  the arts & crafts mess, the playroom.  Listen to podcasts, or music.  Silence.  Journaling.  Meditation.  I've been so smart about how I've been listening to myself.  I'm actually paying attention to what my body needs: movement, water, fuel foods, very little sugar and alcohol.  Now let's pay attention to what my soul needs: peace, not chatter.  When I think about it that way, it's not a fad.  When I'm listening to myself I see what I'm clambering for-I do not want to know what everyone's beliefs and craziness are on FB.  There are great things I love seeing-what people's kids are doing, vacation pictures-but there's too much other stuff-the affirmations, and the memes, and political ranting (even when I agree with their stances).  I don't want contentious.  I want quiet.  The world can be a scary place-and right now, for my own peace of mind, I need to just go inward.  I need to be mindful of my time, my family's time, I want to feel flow and love.

Sugar

Stupid hip pain.  Ugh.  Despite ibuprofen I could feel it last night.  Not good.  It had been fine for months-so frustrating!  I need to stretch it later.  And maybe go back to the elliptical-maybe all the walking (even though I haven't done a ton of hills) is aggravating it.  All the sugar-I'm blaming that for the inflammation.  Meh.  I have definitely backed away from it-yesterday I had a small amount.  Today I really have to be even more vigilant about cutting it all out.  And I'm going upstairs to do some restorative yoga stretching.

And I was feeling so well after that-and then I had way too many fresh baked sugar cookies.  They were delicious.  One of the best things I've ever baked.  So that was it.  I will probably pay for it later when I ache. But I need some new thoughts about the whole thing.   Put into practice all of the Brooke self coaching I've been listening to, and watching.  I spent a long time this morning reflecting on everything I've been listening to and reading from her.  It's amazing.  Being kind, being patient, being committed, being non judgmental and an observer.  Taking things for what they are.  Being really honest and clear.  Liking your reasons for your actions.

I decided to go with yum, those sugar cookies were a-mazing.  Delicious.  I loved that they weren't too sweet but had a great crunch from the sugar crystals all over it.  Today I'm going to make snickerdoodles to go along with the sugar cookies for B's band dinner.  I am sure they are going to smell wonderful.  I don't eat sugar very often because it gives me joint pain, so I'll skip these.  They're not my favorites like sugar cookies.

So how does that resonate with me?  It feels a little weird-like it's new and I'm unused to it, but it doesn't feel like an untruth.  Sugar makes my body ache.  I don't want to ache.  I don't eat sugar. That seems pretty cut and dried.  I don't like how X feels in my body.  The results I get when I eat it are Y. So I am avoiding it to feel good.  I love feeling good.  I like being able to move, and stretch and go about my day without thinking about body pain like I'm 102.

Finding Joy in the Mundane

I really try and have that as my mantra.  And because I am such a creature of habit, and do like my bubble, I am finding it pretty easy to feel content with my everyday.  I appreciate the beauty around me.  So a drive to the gym is always great-because Leucadia is my favorite street: I love that it's a hill, there are beautiful flowers and trees planted along it, and that there is a view of the gorgeous blue Pacific.  People are friendly and smiling here, so a trip to the grocery store is always happy.  We are financially secure, so shopping expeditions don't stress me out.  We've been here long enough that a trip to Target almost always means I'll see someone I know and get to catch up.  Our house is lovely-my favorite people are here, and Cita cleans it.  I love to cook-so for the most part I enjoy making our meals.  And if I'm not in the mood-we're fortunate enough to be able to go out and grab tacos.  I do appreciate the every day.  I am always grateful for what we have:  each other, our health, financial security, living in SD.  I don't take any of that for granted.

Gratitude

In honor of Thanksgiving week:
I am grateful that G's fever has finally broken-almost 6 days in.  It might spike later, but this is the first time since Tuesday night that he has been fever free-and I am so happy.  He clearly feels much better-even though he has a runny nose.
I am grateful that George is home from the hospital, fully healed, no lasting damage, and that we were easily able to pay the $2500 vet bill (although clearly-gulp)
I am grateful that S has been home the whole time and so helpful-it would have really sucked to be alone this week dealing with both Gs
I am grateful that it is a beautiful sunny day here in SD
I am grateful that we're hosting Thanksgiving-I'm about to go to Costco to shop for what we need
I am grateful to have the ability to prepare food to bring to the abused women's shelter
I am grateful to have the money to spend on beauty maintenance-I've done quite a lot this week
I am grateful that today all my babies are home, and they're peacefully asleep
I am grateful that today is a cool, sunny SD fall day
I am grateful for good health for all
I am grateful that I have wonderful friends and family all over the country
I am grateful that S and I have such a good time together and I made a great choice almost 25 years ago
I am grateful that Cita is about to come in and clean my kitchen, wash G's sheets, iron my Thanksgiving napkins
I am grateful that I am able to help E apply to all kinds of schools
I am grateful that S is brilliant and able to help E with her physics project
I am grateful that I can go make myself another cup of coffee
 I am grateful that I found Brooke all those years ago, and am able to see so many life coaches and their work on FB-it really helps refocus me

Thankful

It's the day after the day after Thanksgiving.  And despite that yesterday felt rather Groundhog-day ish: cat that has some sort of urinary track thing going on (so maybe a trip to the vet's today for antibiotics) and a feverish kid.  That has been my life for 10 days.  Ay yi yi.  And the physics project that has taken over our lives and our dining room table:  the pasta bridge. There is gorilla glue, rubber gloves, fettuccine and wax paper covering the table.

So thank God for S helping her with that all consuming project.  I'm not sure it needs to be such a production-but she'll get a good grade, and more importantly she'll remember how much time and care her dad took with her.  A great example of love and devotion.

And thank God for S with helping with A.  He's been taking his temperature, gave him his medicines, charging his iPad.

And how nice was it to go shopping at TJ Maxx and basically pick up whatever we wanted: a gray cashmere sweater to replace that old gray Costco sweater that just depresses me, and some clothes for B for Hanukkah, and some shirts for S.

And what else am I feeling grateful for?  Reading over the "Gratitude Turkey Feathers/Leaves" that I'd made up for the kids several years ago with G.  That was a really wonderful thing to see things that each of them felt grateful for-from the beach, to G for making them laugh, and for how hard their dad works for all of us.

I don't see how we fight an ideology.  I hate to be pessimistic, I don't want to think the worst-but that's what I think.  Who do we bomb?  Or boots on the ground?  How does that fight against an ideology of exclusion and fear and despair and hate?  How do you combat people feeling angry or disenfranchised?  Trying to bring them into democracies where they, in theory, have opportunities for freedom, and upward mobility, and the way to worship or live the way they want?  That's been Europe for the last 30 years-all kinds of immigration-and now look.  If we "pulled out of the Middle East" like what they demand-so they can gain more power and funding and land?  Who does that help?  It certainly wouldn't help Israel.  It wouldn't help the women in the region.  They want people to live with antiquated religious beliefs-a life from thousands of years ago.

It's like a Pandora's box:  they're out, they're everywhere, there's no "containing" or trying to reason with them.  And all the refugees that are now all over Europe-of course the majority of those people want to live in peace.  But how are they to be incorporated into the societies that are already frayed?  The majority become Muslim:  it's like a reverse Crusades.  How do you fight this?  How do you de-radicalize people? How do you fight a few people with machine guns or suicide bombers going into crowded areas?  The right says More Guns.  More Secure Borders.  What does that even mean?  Everyone walking around with weapons? More guns ensure less violence? I'm dubious.  And "secure borders"?  You build an actual fence and NO one gets in?  What about people in Europe and here in the US who radicalize? Via the internet and their own insane thoughts?  The Boston bomber-a typical American teen who was a college student: how do you protect from that?

And what about our responsibilities as Jews, as Americans, as humans, to help our fellow man?  What does that look like when we're turning away the Syrian refugees?  The women and small children who arrive in boats with the clothes on their backs-we do what?  Send them back?  Settle them where?  What kind of litmus test do we give people?  What are your beliefs?  Do they align with ours so you're allowed to stay? What kind of democracy is that?  What kind of world is this?

Going forward-NO one know what the answer is-and the people who claim they do know are delusional.  If there was an easy answer (bombing somebody-who, exactly?  Jihadi John was killed yesterday morning by a drone-the evening brought the terror in Paris) wouldn't we do that?  Maybe Obama's policies have made it "worse".  But ideology can't be fought by drones, or "containment" or retaking areas in the Middle East-no matter what the Fox talking heads would have you believe.  So simplistic.  But I disagree with the left like Bill Maher saying that we need to leave the Middle East to basically appease these people.  They're not going away.

I am heartsick over this.  And when I look ahead, and I am not hopeful.  I guess I need to realign my core beliefs over what I can do, what I can see.  Where there is dark, there is light.  Where there is evil (and this IS evil) there are kind and good people (the Parisian taxi drivers giving free rides, people offering shelter in their homes, Sikh temples opening up to anyone who needed a place to stay.)  And I have to believe that most people are good.  Most people want to help others.  Also-you never know how long you have on earth.  It's important to do the most with the time you have-love your people, help others, pray for peace, enjoy your every moment.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming.   I listened to BC's latest podcast this morning-so many great things to reflect on.  A huge one is the how you see your history-not as a victim or just looking at the dark, but as creating the person you are.  That was fascinating.  So how do I see my childhood?  It was wonderful and warm and filled with books and family time.  It filled me with a sense of love and security.  Home was a haven.  My parents had a happy marriage, and we had a happy home life.  It was very much the 4 of us, with lovely time spent with my grandparents, and some awesome friends.  We did great family vacations.  My parents took us to museums, and concerts, and musicals.  We always had delicious food.   Education was very important to them-they made sure we went to the best possible schools, and took our grades very seriously.  They paid for me to go to a private college.  I was always told I was smart and kind.  I had art lessons, tennis classes, swimming lessons, drama and dance classes.   When I think about it like this, it fills me with love for my parents, and gratitude for such a happy upbringing.

I do get annoyed sometimes with the school and the way they do things:  the crappy common core math, the Makers Space which has no actual purpose and now sucks up time they should be using for history, the stupid yoga, the lame science teacher who just gives them busy work and not interesting, hands-on stuff, the Reading program which is no longer optional.  I feel irked.  But then what am I going to do?  Fight with the principal all the time?  Have continuous meetings with the teachers?  Pull them out and send them to a private school?  Homeschool?  No.  Reality check.  I don't want to be fighting a losing battle or even expending energy feeling annoyed and "stuck".  I am taking action where I can for the priorities we have.  I am finding a math tutor to work with A.  I will have G do it too at some point-maybe now?  He loves math and is actually scary good at it, although I don't want to burn him out.  We never had science in elementary school.  Of course-this didn't matter to me, because I didn't like it.  Do my kids get science from S?  Yes-lots.  They should probably get more-so maybe we start doing Science Saturday with 1 science thing a week.  What else?  More reading.  I am REALLY bad at this.  I don't know why.  I love reading.  My mother used to take us to the library once a week.  I never do this.  Even over break when we had time, I didn't prioritize.  So what can you control?  I can control how much screen time WE ARE ALL DOING and WE CAN READ INSTEAD.  (I had to put it in caps to get my own attention.)  Also-I know that they are really smart kids, we give them lots of opportunities to do interesting things, they're exposed to museums and different cultures, and we've traveled, they will figure it out.  The science at Diegueno is really good, the science in high school is very good.  If science/math is their passion, they will study it in college.  I don't need to get hung up on making sure they are getting everything a certain way now.

Okay-here's where the rubber meets the road.  Or the botox needle would hit your face.  I have maintained that I did not want LA face.  I am scared of needles.  I do not want to look like Priscilla Presley.  Then, recently, at 49 with wrinkles starting to emerge, I have begun to waver.  Maybe I do want a smooth forehead.  I think I look good, but I don't look like I'm 40 (which is actually when I really loved how I looked).  I don't need to look 25-because really, I was kind of a dope at that point and I think it showed on my face.  But I loved 40.  I was feeling great.  Right after finding Brooke and self coaching, going on the Tahoe retreat, exercising all the time, 2 trips to Hawaii, 1 amazing husband, 3 adorable kids, lovely house-I was feeling super content.  And that showed on my face.  And now?  Are you dissatisfied with how you look?  No-honestly, since August I have been overall happy with my Happy Plan.  I think, overall, I look pretty good.  My size is another matter.  I have forced myself not to think about it-I have just been thinking about Happy.  I've done a ton of steps, increased my strength and stamina at the gym, I'm fitting back into last winter's clothes more easily, I actually dumped the Old Navy jeans I'd gotten in the spring because they were literally falling off of me.  I've been taking time for my hair/makeup/clothes/nails.  I think I'm feeling happier and more content, and that has been showing on my face.  When I look at the pic from RH, I see that my face looks really good, and my body looks ginormous.  And in the pic Amy sent me from the other night at the cooking class-oy vey.  I know it was a side angle-but I look big.  Not pleasantly plump-but LARGE.  And not at all what I'm imagining myself to look like.  So that's when I falter.  When the image I have of myself in my head doesn't match what I realize everyone else is seeing.  So what are other people seeing?  What does your family see?  What does Amy see when we're out having fun?  They see someone kind, and fun, and funny and smart and a good listener.  They see someone who cares about them.  Someone who is smiling, and interested in other people.  Someone who works to provide a happy, stable, home.  Someone who has a lot of wonderful friends.  Someone who strives to take care of herself through healthy eating, lots of water, lots of movement.  Someone who is content and secure.  Okay-so back to the Botox Party.  If you're not happy with your overall body shape, or feel like you want to be fitter, look at Jami doing yoga, and think:  cool-I'd like to be able to do that too, a shot of Juvaderm is not going to do that for you.  Why not take the $300 and put it towards a personal trainer to help do the heavy lifting training that you keep saying you need and don't actually do?  Or go back to Beth for more Pilates classes?  Also-maybe try a new hair stylist-that woman in Julia's salon seems really talented.  And you are in desperate need of a dental appointment.  Because isn't it weird to try and erase how your face is looking naturally? Do you want to look like you are from the OC?  No-not really.  I just want to look like me-but without wrinkles on my forehead.   Sigh.

The Bottom Drawer

For as long as we had a child who was toddling along, we have had a kitchen drawer designated for the sippy cups, plastic Ikea tumblers, acrylic plates and small plastic bowls.  I don't know where I got the idea-maybe an old Parents magazine read while E was napping or waiting at the pediatrician's office.  It was a great way of encouraging young kids to do for themselves: grab a bowl and head to the pantry, or pour yourself a glass of water.  We had it on South Road, in the big new Woodstock house, and now here in San Diego.  The concept has been great for 17 years, and through 4 kids.  But now that they can pretty much reach the upper cabinets,  and we don't need to rely so much on unbreakable dishes, it is just seeming like a waste of space.  I think it's time to let that drawer go.  Sigh.  With all my "toss this" or "don't buy another frivolous item", why am I struggling with moving on from this?  One of the last vestiges of having small children?  Laziness?  End of an era.  Deep breath.  Here I go.  And it has become The Baking Drawer.  Which is really great since both E and A are into baking.  Bake away, kids, bake away.

My Happy Plan progress 2 months in . . .

$2500 is a lot of money to spend when we said we would cut down on our spending.  And didn't you recently say you would not spend anymore money on coaching since you know the answers are inside?  And haven't you been on your own "program" since August with happy results?  Think about that for a few minutes-what are results that you've gotten from implementing the Happy Plan along with some add-ons:  I feel more relaxed, authentic, able to handle issues (the whole A/M thing) with a calm, loving perspective.  I think I'm spending less money (not using shopping as a numbing activity).  I have gotten so much positive feedback from friends on me as a person (girlfriends at my bday dinner, Kathleen's comments about our family, Lisa and Heather saying such kind things about me on FB).  Health wise?  S says I haven't been snoring.  I don't have all the weird aches and pains.  My period is a million times better-not so heavy, not so uncomfortable, not so hormonally crabby.  I did a lot of stuff last spring that I wanted to-lots of meals out with girlfriends, cooking classes, ordered business cards for a cooking business and then analyzed how happy that makes me going forward and I think:  glad I did it, not interested in continuing any of that right now.  I'm spending lots of great time with our family.   I'm just feeling healthy and stronger and way more energetic.  I'm fitting into some of my clothes again.  And notice how far down the list the weight loss is.  It's a by-product, it's not my ultimate goal.  I'm choosing to focus on other things.  I like being able to walk up the hill to school and not get winded.  I love being able to hike Torrey Pines and feeling like it's a good work out, but not that it's super strenuous. I like knowing that every little bit of exercise makes me calmer, happier, more energetic.  I really, really, really want to be able to get off the floor without effort.  It seems dumb-and yet not.  I'm too young to have an old body!  And I don't want to be thinking about knee replacement surgeries when I'm 70.  I want to be comfortable moving around.  Limber and strong.  Those are my goals.  I want to feel healthy and energetic.  So just keep on with the Happy.

Sunday Funday

So nice to wake up feeling cool, and seeing gray skies.  Who would think that would be welcomed?  But it's been so ungodly hot-hello, 90 degrees in mid October.  Of course, an hour later, and it's not even 7:30 and it's now sunny.  Oh well.  Hopefully there's a cooling trend happening.  At some point. The boys have Sunday school, I think the rest of us are heading to the Y to work out, quick lunch and gathering of stuff, and then off to the beach for a few hours.  Then dinner out for my bday?  The usual, because I am a creature of habit.  I wouldn't mind going out in Del Mar or La Jolla either, but it seems like such a schlep.  Out of my bubble.  I know what to expect with the usual places-I like the music, the views, the Italian food.  Or should I venture out?  Shall I check Yelp?

So we did the usual, Vigiluccis, and while it was lovely, the food gave both of us a stomach ache.  I couldn't finish the shrimp cocktail-it was weird to have both types of shrimp-ginormous and tiny-and difficult to eat.  I also got my usual pasta dish with the scallops and mushrooms and cream sauce.  I "had" to have it-and then later thought-I don't even like pasta anymore.  The scallops were a smidgen undercooked, and I think they changed out what mushrooms they use.  And the cream sauce makes me feel sick.  Then they brought creme brûlée which while yummy-should have been a few bites and done, instead of feeling compelled to finish it.  The atmosphere was lovely, as was the service, and we had fun-and had good discussions about next summer's plans.  But food wise-not the best choices.  I wasn't actually hungry because we'd had Mexican food from that new spot around 4.  In retrospect, either skipped the appetizer, and picked a "lighter" more Paleo entree or picked an appetizer and a salad for my main meal. And again, 2 bites of the brûlée would have sufficed.  So after dinner we both felt over full and had stomach issues that night and the next day.  I don't say this to beat myself up-I'm trying to analyze and make better future choices.

The first 2 college applications were sent off last night:  she had B, G and I holding her hands as she pressed submit.  I said a prayer in my head.  For what-I'm not exactly sure.  I want her to be where she'll be the happiest.  I don't know where that is.  I have to trust that it will be.  She will end up where she's meant to end up.  It's not as though I want her to go thousands of miles away-but I feel like for what she wants to do, and the opportunities that exist-that would be one of the DC schools.  Time will tell.  It's also crazy that we won't know until April.  That is a long time away.

When I applied to SMC I was in some sort of weird denial, panicky mode.  I was so paralyzed by the whole thing that my mother finally had to phone the counselor at MC so she could call me into the office.  I remember sitting in her office and handwriting out my application-which was all of 3 pages.  My GPA wasn't particularly good, my SAT scores were better (not math, but verbal) and so I had a National Merit commendation, and I had a few extracurriculars:  writing for the school paper, some volunteer work with autistic kids (that we had to do to graduate), a part time job.  I wrote out my essay while sitting in her office.  I'm a decent writer, so I'm sure it was fine.  And that was it.  Of course I got in-they didn't exactly have rigorous entrance requirements.  I applied to no other schools.  Not that I had seen any other schools other than UCSB as a kid-and I knew I didn't have the grades to get in there.  Plus it was so far away.  I used to feel annoyed with myself for not applying to other schools.  But really-without ever having been to any state schools-how could I possibly visualize myself going there?  And while I used to blame mom and dad for not taking me on campus tours other than for SMC-I don't know if ANYone's  parents did college visits.  I think a lot of people had older siblings or friends that went to various schools, and they thought that they sounded cool and that was it.  Obviously if you had the grades, you went to a UC.  I was in that weird mental state of wanting to get the hell out of my house, make something out of my life (exciting career, cute boyfriend-things that seemed out of reach at MC, which I loathed) and not wanting to leave the cocoon of my home.  I had absolutely no self confidence.  I could not imagine going someplace totally different and trying to figure it all out.  Now of course I realize that it's all baby steps.  You're at a college, and there's orientation and all kinds of things in place to help you figure it out.  But at that time it just seemed insurmountable.  And my total lack of social self confidence was even worse. I was incapable of going someplace new and trying to make friends-I felt "odd" and then acted "odd" and shy and awkward.  It seemed easier to go to SMC with Lisa, with the 40 other kids from MC (even if I wasn't particularly friends with them, at least they were familiar) and have that sense of security.

One thing I also get from reading the FIAR boards is a peek into women's lives across the country who are so different from me in some respects (their evangelical religions and super conservative politics) and yet so much the same in others (homemakers, traditional families, larger families).  I've discussed before that I like to read what they write to understand their feelings about gun control or abortion-and it does definitely give me a better perspective.  What I also get, if I'm being totally honest, is deep gratitude for what I have.  I live a very comfortable life.  We are not living paycheck to paycheck.  If I want a new top, or E wants a test prep book, or it's the school book fair, or A is collecting baseball cards right now-we just buy it.  We go out for meals, we go on wonderful vacations, we entertain. We have older cars-but that's by choice not necessity.  If there are bills for fixing the cars or the house or medical expenses, we can pay them.  Our health, thank God, is good.  One of the women has a son (not sure of his diagnosis) but he's completely wheel chair bound.  There's another woman whose husband lost his job, so they're having to move 200 miles away to live with her parents, and assist her mom who has MS.   There's an older couple (and he has dementia) who live rent free in a condo owned by a friend who has a terminal illness-so she worries what will become of them.  Should I feel guilty about being a voyeur?  I don't share anything on the boards-it seems disingenuous when we don't homeschool anymore.  But I keep reading-I feel like I "know" them and I'm curious about other people's lives and motivations.  I think it's helped to make me less judgmental, and more understanding.

Girlfriends

Yesterday I was talking to Kathleen about her freshman daughter who's having such a tough time at school.  There was some sort of "girl drama"-ugh, and currently she's having all kinds of issues from that.  Kathleen said "Girls suck."  Which-okay, middle school, I think that was the apex of suckiness, and there were definitely mean girls.  There were also incredibly wonderful friends like Laurie, and other really nice girls who were kind and sweet and not bullies.  But after that?  Even MC which I truly hated, there were only a few girls who were out and out unkind-and I can really think of one instance in particular over 3 years-most were actually very nice.  It was the cliques that I couldn't deal with.  And yes-there were a few things along the way with close girl friends that have been painful (Lisa at the end of senior year, and whatever went down with Sloane), and I know that E has had her share of "mean girl" experiences when we were in Maryland.  But for the most part, I think people are really trying to do the best they can.  Even some of the moms at OPE who aren't as friendly I don't think "girl drama".  I just think people are insecure, and have their own weird issues that manifest as whatever.  I now just focus on who I like, and I do my thing-and that ends up working out.  That's really been a huge shift even since we moved here.  Yay for the wisdom of your late 40s!  I don't have such a chip on my shoulder anymore.  I think that's also made me more approachable, and I have a slew of friends, and people I'm friendly with.  I don't focus on slights.  That's made a huge difference in my attitude.  I assume most people are nice.  I don't depend on others for my emotional well being, or how I'm defining myself.  If they seem snobby or cold, I assume they have something going on, or they're insecure.  I don't think, "oh they don't like me, there's something wrong with me".  And I don't go around anymore with the belief that I'm weird and people are going to find me odd.  Seeing Lisa's post yesterday about me and having Heather chime in just gives me more evidence that I'm being authentically me and putting myself out there, and as a result, I end up with wonderful people in my life.  "You are such an encouraging friend! I've had a crummy day and sometimes just knowing there are people like you in the world makes me smile! 
😘thanks!"

FB Hiatus

Wow-what the heck did I think of as a blog post? It has totally left my brain.  I was thinking:  perfect! that's it! And I got waylaid by reading what I've written this week, started thinking about that-and then done.  Maybe as I keep writing it will come back to me?  I hope?  Not so much.  Oh yes-FB fast for today and tomorrow.  I can do it.  I've just decided that it's too much nothing interspersed with very few things that I actually want to read.  I love hearing people's life news-what their kids are up to, what fabulous trips they're on, random things that happen.  I do not enjoying hearing everyone's political thoughts-no matter what side they're on.  I am also detesting all the memes and "funny" things and weird affirmations and prayers that clog up my feed.  It's really a colossal time suck.  And there's no payoff.  There are very few things where I think, "oh, cool.  or, no-I never thought about it like that."  It just is either aggravating (to know for sure that people I love have totally different ideas than what I think they should have-oh, the horror) or anxiety producing (like I really don't need to know that Jews are being attacked right after it happens in Israel)  It doesn't really impact my life.  And I'm trying not to be shallow or bury my head in the sand-but what are possible actions that I can take when I hear about anti-semitism?  I want my kids to feel proud of being Jewish-lighting shabbat candles, participating in a Jewish community (am I doing that?  yes-check)  Do I need to (at some point next spring) help E get educated for college where she very likely will come across the BDS movement?  Yes.  I will do that.  What else can I do?  Live my own day to day with love and compassion, and hope it spreads from me.  Make my kids feel loved and secure.  That's it.  Worrying about ISIS?  Since I don't work for the White House or the State Department, there's nothing I can do.  What about the concept of educating yourself about issues?  Again-anxiety vs action that matters.

Any way-back to the FB hiatus.  I think if I didn't immediately turn to the computer or my iPhone to fill every stray moment, I might be able to: write more, connect with nature, connect with my family, read some great books, talk on the phone with friends, do some art, take a walk, declutter my house, work on my "project" list, get a jump on holiday gifts, meditate, enjoy the stillness.

Friends

We've been here for 5 years-and one of the things I wanted more than anything was a good group of girlfriends.  It didn't need to be a "group" per se, I'm clearly past high school-but I wanted a number of people I could feel connected to in some capacity.  I don't need to spend all free time with them, I don't need to talk to them on the phone or by text all the time-that actually makes me feel totally claustrophobic.  But I wanted a variety of people I enjoy and care for as part of my life.  And gradually, that's what I've gotten.  Based on past experience I knew that just having a few friends does not work for me.  I do much better when there are a number of people I'm friends with.  My happiest social times were when I worked at Olsten and now.  I have S as my best friend-so I'm not looking to fill that role.  There's not one person other than him that I want to be in contact with all the times.  I am basically introverted.  But having a bunch of girlfriends that I connect with in a variety of ways-book club, "mom" friends at school, family friends, people I've just come to enjoy-it just totally enriches my life.  I am blessed to have such wonderful women in my life.  It took a little bit to get past the "drama-rah" as B coined it-not that I depended on them for friendship-but looking outside that narrow group and getting beyond to find like-minded people has been wonderful.  I am also really able to have other, maybe "lighter"?  friendships with some nice people-and socially do things with people that used to cause me angst.  I'm able to just chit chat and hang out wherever I am-and that is a great feeling.  I'm not necessarily going to have deeper friendships with some of these people-and that's okay.  It's still just amazing to me that I can be wherever I am without feeling social anxiety and weirdness oozing out of me, paralyzing me to the point of either being unfriendly out of fear, or odd over sharing in an attempt at humor or trying to make immediate, intimate connections.  I definitely attribute that to Brooke and self coaching.  And maybe it's taken me 8 years to absorb the lessons-but that's okay.  It was interesting to read her say after a while she didn't have to do turn arounds for some of her issues-because she could immediately see what they were, and that was it.  Done.  Or her brain had been trained to see it another way-so it wasn't part of her anymore.  Brain highways.  That's I think where I'm at for the most part.  And now I have evidence from other people telling me how kind and lovely I am, and my family is-and I can believe it and radiate it.  I don't need to be talking myself into it all the time.

When we first moved here I really wanted a walking friend like I had with Suzanne in Maryland.  But honestly, lately-I'm really enjoying being alone with my thoughts-like yesterday's hike in Torrey Pines.  Or listening to fast music or podcasts.  I'm cool without having someone else to walk with.  I push myself more I think when I'm going at my own pace.  Of course I have enjoyed it when I've walked with Amy-but as a regular thing, not a "want" or "desire" anymore.  It could also be because I'm at a different place with my family.  I really needed that "adult interaction" because the kids were so little and I was just home or running errands.  Now, I'm spending more time with S and E & B and even the younger boys-I'm able to have actual conversations and discussions.  I don't have that same need for "conversation".  I think I also realize that I am an introvert (for all my desire for lots of social interactions and friends) and need my recharging at home time.  Last year I had a big push to be social.  I went out multiple times during the week and met people for coffee and brunch/lunch.  I do that now a few times a month-but I've cut way back.  It was too expensive for one thing-and I also think it was making me a little cuckoo.  I do better when I have more time at home alone.  I recharge. I regroup.  Maybe down the road it will be different-but right now I'm really happy with how this fall has been.  Not a lot of volunteering.  Not a lot of "out" time.  Time with S and the kids.  Lots of time alone.  It feels regenerating.

Bday

My birthday.  S left early this morning for the rest of the week.  A is at 6th grade camp.  So in a way, it's a quieter, more mellow day-so I'll appreciate that rather than be sad we're all not together.  I don't know if a Torrey Pines hike is in the cards for today.  Not really sure what I want to do.  I have a few errands to run.  Target, SDA, the bank.  Laundry.  Bills.  Kind of mundane.  But I love my everyday life-and that meme really resonated with me:  "Someone is dreaming about your life".  So true.  I have an amazing husband, 4 wonderful children, we have our health, a beautiful home, in a gorgeous area, we're financially secure, have great friends and family.  So I'm perfectly happy to run my errands, supervise homework and take G to a skateboard lesson.  And for dinner?  Hmmmm.  Not sure what really sounds good.  Nothing currently.  Something Asian?  Takeout always seems to wilt.  But not sure the big kids can take the time to go out for dinner.  Whatever.  I don't really care.  49.  Reflect on that for a moment.  I've loved my 40s.  I really have.  I just need to continue to work on getting into better shape for my 50s.  I want to be able to travel, and be flexible. It freaks me out that currently if I get down onto the floor it feels impossible and painful to try and get back up.  On the plus side, my knees haven't been achey when I wake up in a while.  And S said I'm not snoring (unless the ac is running) so I am REALLY happy about that.  And in that pic my parents sent of us on Rosh hashanah, I'm focusing on my face (which actually looks really good-I do love my hair darker) and how gorgeous all those kids are and how tall B is-he's  kind of towering over the rest of us:  crazy.

1pm.  I've had the loveliest, most peaceful morning.  I laughed with K & H after drop off.  I made myself a yummy breakfast.  I watched a little Walking Dead.  I cleaned up the house.  I ran my errands.  I talked on the phone with friends-which was just lovely.  I took myself to the Meditation Gardens for about 20 minutes and did actually meditate.  So peaceful and lovely and wonderful.  This afternoon is G & Mom time.  Then off to the Y for skateboard, and I get to hang out with Steph, which will be great.  Something for dinner.  And early bedtime for me since last night was kind of awful sleep-wise.  I am so grateful for my life.  How blessed I am to have all that I have.

It's amazing how a long, hard workout can give you back to yourself.  My circumstances are all the same-still don't know what's going on with dad, had a bad morning with A, didn't finish my book club book-hah.  But I now feel present, and with it, and acknowledge it, and am not churned up and anxious and fretting.  I can breathe through it.  I can feel it.  And I can get through it.  Yuck morning to kick things off, and then such a nice conversation with Kathleen.  She said the nicest things about us, our family-and it made us both cry-especially after such a rough afternoon and suck-fest of a morning.  Focus on that for a few minutes.  Acknowledge what a great family we are-and how other people see that.  So NOT perfect-but really trying to just be authentic and kind and fun and inclusive. We stumble along, but we're definitely a unit.  I hope our kids are able to draw from that-and it gives them strength when things are (invariably) tough.  I pray that we're demonstrating love and kindness and friendship, and working through things.

The ordinary day

I took out a book by Brooke that I've had for a few years.  I remember I read through it when I got it-I even have some sentences highlighted.  But there is so much to it-and as she says-it should be more of a workbook rather than sitting and reading over it in one sitting.  I wrote down a few quotes this week-one of which had to do with appreciating an "average" day and realizing how magnificent it is.  I just thought about my random Thursday and jotted down all kinds of observations about the kids, and S.  It was truly crazy how grateful and in love with my family I could feel-and how it kind of rolls over me, and of course makes me cry because I realize how blessed I am.  That the ordinary days are not ordinary at all.  When I take a few minutes and notice each thing, the love and humor and fun, and noise and quibbling and the smiles-I am overwhelmed with how lucky I am.  How my days are filled with love and beauty-even a day when I am just shuttling everyone to school and activities, and supervising homework, and trying to get a few meals on the table, along with getting some exercise, and connecting with my girlfriends, and hanging out with S.

My meltdown

Wow-meltdown city yesterday afternoon.  What was THAT about??  Let's see-having to drive down to SD airport in a torrential downpour, then turn around and drive back-plus knowing I'd have to get up at 4:45 this morning to do a return trip: driving in the dark and in rain-my favorite.  The whole dinner thing for NINE people last night when I just wasn't in the "mood" and had no ideas, and no time, was bumming me out.  The A homework/time management or lack thereof is sending me over the edge.  He's stressed about it-I'm stressed about having to manage his time and be directing him.  I think in 6th grade he should be totally responsible, is not and it's freaking me out.  The older 2 were totally handling their own stuff at this point with rare exception-so when he clearly does NOT have a handle on it worries me. And that he immediately defaults to crying when he's confronted with a challenging situation.  I know I need to be coaching and not yelling (hello, not managing stress well as an example) but it's also freaking me out.  Again-I think counseling might help with that-but I know S is opposed.  On the plus side, his twitchy tic seems to be practically gone-yay.  And the M situation seems to have been resolved.  I am just having a really tough time with him.  And what else?  My baby is so clearly not a baby.  He's been way more defiant which is an unhappy shock.  And so not snuggley so I'm mourning that too.  I am worried about my dad-but a health thing.  And the whole aging thing with them is really hitting me-and making me sad.  What else?  Hmmm.  The whole E college thing:  OY VEY.  It's fricking nuts how introspective they expect these 17 year olds to me-and then to write it up in a cohesive, interesting format is just over the top.  We did NOT have to go to these lengths-it's absurd.  And we as parents have to write up a short essay for her counselor!  Jeez-it's not enough that we have to hold their hands through this insane process, pay for it, we also have to write an essay??!!!!!  The tracking of hours for activities-it's ridiculous.  And that it drags on for months, besides having to keep up their grades in challenging classes-ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Plus-and it's not a small thing-I keep thinking, LAST time:  last time to be all together for the Jewish holidays, last time she's home when I'm putting the Halloween decorations up (and I have all of these memories of her being a little girl and helping me with them), last time we're all together for G's birthday-I want to cry all the time, but I need to keep it together.  I don't want her to feel guilty or sad-and I don't want to drag everyone else down rather than enjoying our time together.  Because truth is-you never know how much time we all have together NO MATTER WHAT.  And that makes me sad.  And I can't even blame it on PMS, because it's over.   So pretty much, I'm feeling stressed and sad.  And not acknowledging it, not processing it-trying to just be mad at myself or "chin up"-it's going to erupt in weird ways.  Clearly I'm not overeating to numb out-but I'm getting mad, and feeling anxious.  Not healthy.  For anyone.  So much swirling around. I don't even know where to turn it around.  Okay-the E thing.  Do you know it's the last time she'll be around for the holidays?  No.  Do I have a guarantee on how we're all frozen in time?  No-of course not.  Life changes, evolves, how it is now is not how it will be later.  Might there be special moments for all of us together in the future? Yes.  Does it make you enjoy what's right in front of you when you're worried that it's slipping away? Absolutely not.  Will you have more wonderful times?  Yes.  Things that you cannot even imagine.  Did I think that I would enjoy having older kids and teens?  Hell, no.  I was SO focused on the baby/toddler/little person stage as being the end all be all.  And was it great?  Parts of it-sure.  But there were plenty of tough parts too that I did not expect.  So mourning it passing or changing it doesn't make you appreciate what you have right in front of you.  I need to focus on her.  Be the parent here.  My job is to support her-and our family-it's not to drag her and everyone else down being sad that she's getting older and that my idealized vision of how our family should be is evolving.  I need some thoughts to focus on here.  Our family life is changing.  I need to be working on ME-so I can be okay and fulfilled.  She is going off to do great things.  The best way I can help her is to assist in prepping for that and being excited for her.  Being a young adult was way more fun than being a kid or a teen.  I think she'll find the same thing.  She's off to find out what she likes, develop friendships, have romances, explore the world.  The best thing I can do is show her to embrace all that's in front of her with open arms-not hang back and getting dragged forward by momentum.  Right???  YES.  It's an amazing time!!!!!  Okay-moving on to A.  Agenda book.  We need to figure out working his thoughts.  Deep breaths.  (Physician heal thyself-hah)  What is the plan?  What are the steps?  Being mad and punitive is NOT helpful.  And G?  I need to work on my patience.  He does need to do things on his own.  How cool is it to see him boogie boarding??  Swimming?  What can I do to help myself work on embracing my own life?  Continue with the exercise and healthy eating.  And my "Happy list".  I got a little bit away from that during my parents' visit.  And honestly the houseguest thing (as happy as I was to have them here) is still tough-despite their being helpful and fairly unobtrusive.  It's that many more people to make dinner for-and on a night like last night (especially since that unexpected airport trip sucked up a huge part of my day) I just couldn't deal.  Maybe because it was their last night too.  And I think I'm also stressed about hosting this ginormous party here on Saturday night.

Rosh Hashanah

I love that the Jewish high holy days are in the fall.  Maybe it's because the New Year always seems to be the start of school in September (now August-oy) or that my birthday is in October-but I always feel like life restarts in the fall.  I don't know how much reflecting I've been doing-especially over the last week as my parents have been here and it was G's birthday yesterday too.  I've kind of let my notebook-especially the meditation portion-fall by the way side.  I need to get back to it-because it really does help me stay sane and centered.  I've been doing a huge amount of walking and exercise, and eating paleo-ish, so that is making my body feel good.

What have been the highlights of this past year?  I think everyone had great experiences at school last year, and felt happy and secure.  And even if B didn't love school-he didn't dislike it-and he was so excited about starting high school he was able to focus on that.  When my kids are overall happy it's all good for me.  I think I underestimate good health too-like Thank God we are healthy.  Especially when I think about Libby losing her battle with cancer last week, and that friend of Lori's.  Lori put up an especially poignant Thorton Wilder quote from Our Town yesterday:  "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?"  We had some really wonderful trips last year:  our fall trip up the coast was wonderful, spring break in Chicago and summer visit to Bmore and DC.  We had lots of family visits-so the Loren Hotel was in full swing.  All the cooking I did-dabbling in catering (and deciding it's too much for me to contemplate right now) and entertaining.  I did a lot of volunteering last year-and have scaled back significantly.  Also friendships that needed more "pruning".  I have been more aware of how I'm spending my time and with whom.  I like being home.  I like being by myself.  I like hanging with just S and the kids.  I'm kind of returning to that.  Not sure if that's a "permanent" thing, or a season-but I am scaling way back.

September 12th: The Day After

What I remember most about the day after 9/11 was how quiet everything seemed.  No planes in the sky.  I had the tv on nonstop-but the one up in our bedroom because I didn't want the kids to see it-so I kept running upstairs to watch.  I remember all the signs that went up in the parks in NYC with pictures of people who were missing; the train stations in Connecticut and New Jersey filled with the cars of NYC workers who never returned; the recorded voices of people who were trapped in the WTC leaving messages on their family's answering machines; all the phone calls we made and received from friends and family checking in.  Everyone put up American flags-on lawns, we had a photo pasted to our front door of the flag that was in the Baltimore Sun.  Going to High Holy Day services and they played America the Beautiful and the Star Spangled Banner, and everyone cried.  Then the next month going up to NYC with Stefan for a few days when he worked there.  I remember going into a fire station in the city and signing a condolence book.  I was on Fifth Avenue in front of St. Patricks's for a funeral of some firefighters.  There were two huge engines parked in front with an American flag draped between.  Bag pipes were playing Oh Danny Boy and Amazing Grace.  The streets were packed-bike messengers, business men, society women-and you could have heard a pin drop:  we all just stood there, in silence, facing the cathedral.  It became a touch point for our generation-where were you when it happened?  It's changed so many things-the way we travel, our civil liberties, our perception of our safety anywhere.   I hope never, ever to experience such a thing in my lifetime.  

TGIF, baby!

As happy as I always am to reach Friday, I truly feel wiped out every Friday afternoon.  If I'm going to lay on bed and read celebrity gossip and snack-even if I haven't done that or missed it all the rest of the week, Friday afternoon:  there I am.  I always feel this curious mix of exhaustion, relief that the school week is over, elation for whatever "free" time I now have.  I rarely schedule activities on Friday afternoon to reserve it for "R & R".  But in an interesting twist, the binging on snacky foods and celeb gossip make me feel like crap and I don't feel regenerated or happy.  I feel gross.  So how can I shake this up?  Today I scheduled the boys each a tennis lesson, and then we're picking the big kids up at school.  I will have to make dinner for them, and then S & I are going out for dinner with H & I, which I am definitely looking forward to.  So I'm not giving myself the afternoon to veg.  Is that the answer?  More activities?  Maybe :/  Somehow the anticipation of nothing to do is always better than the reality.  (If the reality equals binging on rice crackers & reading about the Affleck/Garner divorce).  Okay-that's the issue. I've managed to find time for myself that feels good to my body and soul the rest of the week.  I need to reframe Friday afternoons.  Friday Fun Day indeed.  I do need to acknowledge making it through the week of activities/homework/projects/driving kids/meltdowns/making breakfast & lunches & dinners.  I need a way to celebrate that actually feels good, not icky.

Scaling Back

I've scaled way back on my volunteer commitments.  I will be helping with Art in G's class, but that's once a month, and I'm scheduled for only 2-3 times to work in his class thru December.  I assume they'll have class parties and I'll be able to go in then.  But other than that-I'm turning everything else down right now.  Maybe later I'll miss it or feel like it's important.  But honestly-did spending time at Sisterhood events help anyone?  No-I just did it because J guilted me into it and I felt like it was good for me, or proved that I have "things to do".  I'm not going to get pulled into stuff at the Temple unless it's more Social Action.  If people want to be connected they can step out of their comfort zone and do something.  Part of my thing was to try and facilitate that.  I don't care right now.   I don't feel like arguing with Ellen, or trying to create a program for people to meet, or help with the environment.  I'm one person-I can't change the culture or make people participate.  If I get to the point where I feel like we need more Jewish connection we'll maybe join JC.  For right now, I want to spend time with who we enjoy and take care of my family and myself.  I don't need the calendar to be filled to the brim with activities.  I'm scaling back on the social thing too.  Only people we want to be with.  I feel sort of bad articulating it, but I'm happier without her in my life on a regular basis.  She's too much drama and exhausting.  The kids are not nice.  My kids don't miss them either.  I don't need to get into the vortex of complaining, and issues and eighty million things going on.  I like the simpler life.  I want this to be a great last year with the 6 of us at home.  That is my highest priority.  It means I will cultivate time for us doing things we enjoy.  When I think back to how we lived in Maryland, we had very few friends-we spent a lot of time with my parents and my brother, but there was something easy, comforting, nice and simple about that.  Our family life was definitely the center.  E was saying how she has no happy memories of Waverly, and that is kind of heartbreaking.  But she said our family life was always wonderful and we always did really fun things-so that made me feel really happy to hear.  That was something I could control.  I do like having a variety of people in my life but I don't need the frenetic pace of the last few years.  And going forward, our family dynamic is about to really change-I'm kind of girding myself for that-but also can appreciate there will be something really nice about that too.  G is a really wonderful person-and he's the one we will be spending the most alone time with.  And I can see us doing a lot with him.    What can we do this year to make it fun and memorable?  What are things that E likes to do?  She likes us just hanging out at home without a ton of people here.  She loves Disneyland.  She had mentioned Balboa Park before.  More Torrey Pines hikes?  Yesterday morning was great-all of us at the Y.  Of course if we make our life too E-centered she may not want to leave!!!!  There needs to be some element of wanting to get the hell away from us-that's a natural desire in the late teenaged years.  And really, it's to be encouraged.  You don't want them living with us forever and being so dependent on us-that's not emotionally healthy either.  They're supposed to move out and move on.  There's some kind of quote about mothering-like if you're doing what you're supposed to, you're working your way out of a job.  They need to take on more and more responsibility for their own lives.  It's gradual but it's important.

I have been on a self care mission for one month.  I have my journal with my checklist of things for myself, and for the day.  I do think that it's helping me keep things in perspective-particularly the gratitude section where I need to pick new, specific things-I find that really easy to do.  I also like the Doubler of taking 2 minutes to think (with details) about something wonderful that's happened.  Also-the reminder to meditate and even if I don't get to that-the 2 minute breathe.  The nutritious food (primarily paleo) and lots of exercise-giving me more energy, fewer weird stomach issues.  All the water-I think my skin is looking better.  I also appreciate the things that don't relate to my body-the Conscious Act of Kindness-I don't just do the email/text, but I also include verbally saying things or going out of my way to be kind.  I also like the intellectual challenge of Duolingo.  That was a "new thing" that I've incorporated into my list of daily activities.  I think I've been calmer and happier.  Because I'm staying on top of things (i.e. bills) and I was making a lot of head way on my "Project List" during summer I'm not feeling so out of control and then as a result, cranky.

Why I continue to read the FIAR forums even though I haven't used the curriculum in 8 years and only homeschooled for 2 1/2 years:

I like learning about their lives.  These women, for the most part, are so different than me.  For the most part, they're conservative and very Christian.  But they're kind, and family oriented, and educated.  They're not rigid or extreme.  I find it a way to understand how other people think-they're anti-abortion, pro-gun, anti-big government.  But when I read about their everyday lives, their struggles, their families, I see how their opinions are formed, why they feel the way they feel.  There are no debates or big discussions about why they hold the stances they do-so it's a low impact way of understanding their views.

The older I get the more I see the world in grays-but I also understand the appeal of seeing things in black and white:  it seems simple, easier.  There are good guys and bad guys.  There's right and wrong.

Surviving the First Week

Friday.  Why the heck am I this tired when it's been such a (fairly) mellow week?  Getting half of them back on the school track perhaps?  Yet there have been no other activities.  S & E were gone most of the week so I didn't have to prepare "real" dinners.  I think I am mourning the end of summer and the looser schedule.  However I'll admit to being glad that they're at school learning/socializing rather than quibbling over whose turn it is on the computer.  It's peaceful which I am appreciating.  They both love their teachers and seem to happy with their classmates and friends.  I am going to focus on that.  It's all good.  And I planned NOTHING for this weekend.  I knew S would be exhausted after the Boston trip and then having to get up at the crack of dawn to be up in Irvine or Newport or wherever he is.  Big kids go back on Tuesday.   Yay!  I'm really excited for them.  Last year and first years of high school.  It's insane when I think about my original playgroup in Bmore.  If we would have stopped at 2 like most of them did, I'd be looking at an empty nest in a few years.  I cannot even wrap my head around that.  How much I would have missed out on if not for them!

5 Years Ago

Five years ago we were just moving here.  In some ways it feels like yesterday, in other ways it's like we've always been here.  We had so many wonderful things happen to us while we lived in Baltimore-we had our children, bought our first house, built our lovely house, went on some amazing trips, enjoyed time with my parents and brother, established ourselves financially, went from being a newly married couple to a big family.  Yet our time in San Diego has been the creation of a wonderful life for all of us.  We have such a wider, deeper circle of friends, we are settled in with a great Jewish community, the kids have wonderful, diverse schools, S has been able to start a successful business.  It has felt "right" from the moment we got here.  And now-we're on the precipice of some huge changes-E and B in high school, with E starting her senior year.  Deep breaths.

New School Year

The past several years I will admit to feeling anxious by the time summer is coming to a close.  I'm usually feeling a combination of regret that we didn't "do" enough to fully enjoy the time off, and nerves about what the new school year will bring.  I decided to go on the offensive this time around.

To feel like we fully enjoyed ourselves I wrote up a bucket list with suggestions from the kids and myself of things we'd like to do.  It was a mix of experiences (mini golf), restaurants (Curry House) and movies (Minions-ugh.)  I taped it to the refrigerator and we checked things off as we did them.  We've gotten to almost everything-save Disneyland.  In all honesty, we've probably done the same amount of fun activities every summer, but something about seeing it on paper, in the kitchen, has made me (I don't know about the kids) feel like the summer has been well spent.  We had a great long vacation back in MD and DC to kick things off.  They each did a variety of great camps (highlights would be skateboarding for G, Mt Chai for A, and jazz for B.  E did her internship with the political campaign.

The other thing I did a few weeks ago was start a notebook.  Notebook.  It really should be capitalized or decorated in a lovely way to demonstrate how much I love it.  It contains a daily list of to-dos, which include the mundane like watering, or who needs to be where when.  The best new thing is my Happiness List-which I got off Mara's post on FB (3 Acts of Gratitude, Fun 15 of Cardio, 2 minutes to just Breathe, Conscious Act of Kindness, the Doubler-wherein I take 2 minutes to think of a positive experience with bullet point details.)  To this I added "try something new every day", Meditation, Journal, a few stretching times, reminder to eat 3 full servings of greens, and 6 glasses of water.  I want to feel aware, and positive, and looking for the good in myself and others.  I want the specific reminders of how to nurture myself.

In my Notebook, I also created a ginormous list of projects that mainly relate to cleaning, sorting, donating, dumping and organizing.  I've been going gang busters on this-of course I still see some big projects ahead of me (hello, master closet) but I feel so good about how much I've been able to get done.  I also made a Dinner Ideas section for when I'm drawing a blank.  Also some fun lists to refer to:  Places to go with Kids, my bucket list of fun things to do in the area-in fact, the Torrey Pines hike is a new favorite for myself with E & B too.  (It remains to be seen if we can get A to join our enthusiasm.)

All of these things together have made me much calmer and feel like I have a handle on myself, and the house.  I'm not feeling overwhelmed, then procrastinating, and then feeling guilty and cranky.  I think that's helped me feel "rested" and ready to face the new school year.  I was thinking that I wasn't as "nervous" as I usually am because I don't have the kids in a million different, potentially conflicting, activities.  And there's an element of that-I am happy to only have 2 schools, and glad that E can drive she and B.  But I really think it's because I'm feeling good where I'm at.

Happy last few days of summer!  It was a great one!

Baking

What is it about baking that fills me with dread?  Is it the exact nature of the ingredients? There's no improvising?   That you need the proper tools:  parchment paper, springform pans, cake flour?  No making due with whatever you have on hand?  The capriciousness  of the oven-the temperature, the time?  It's not like braising/stewing/soups-the longer the better.  How do I know when it's really done?  Why is it too dark yet wet in the middle?  What causes that-too high, not enough time?  No clue.  My kind of cooking:  Seems dry?  Add wine.  Seems bland? Toss in some fresh herbs or more garlic.  There's no last minute save with baking.  Your finished baking product needs to look precise, pretty.  I'm a more rustic kind of girl.  I didn't grow up in a baking family.  There were the occasional cookies, or brownies from a box.  A bundt cake with mix, pudding, sherry, brandy: yummy in a sweet, simple, potlucky sort of way.  I am also, for the most part, not a huge dessert person.  Give me delicious, runny, smelly cheese with a slice of baguette.  I don't speak baking.  It's another language that I know a few, very basic words in.  I could make cookies.  A simple pie.  Basic brownies.  Nothing with frosting.  Nothing that involves layers.  Or pie weights.  Or strips of parchment or water baths.

Her death illustrates so clearly to me that mental illness and depression truly warps your sense of judgement and changes completely who you are as a person.  She was the most nurturing teacher any of my kids have ever had.  She hugged every kid as they left her classroom, she hugged the parents at every meeting.  She was devoted to her daughter-she told a million stories to the kids in her class about Dakota.  She was so anxious to have another baby-I know she must have been thrilled to finally have had a second child.  I cannot reconcile the caring, loving person with what happened.  To not only take her own life-but to do it in such a violent, horrific manner that would surely have traumatized anyone who witnessed it.  And to devastate her family in such manner??  She must have been out of her mind.  There is no way the person she was would ever do anything that would hurt others so deeply.  I truly cannot wrap my head around this.  And I'm guessing B will hear about it at school-and yet I cannot bring myself to tell him.  It is so awful.  Horrible.  Tragic beyond words.  I cannot process it.  Mental illness is as real an illness as cancer.  It changes who you are mentally and emotionally as surely as malignant cells devastate your physical body.

I thought that the spring forward of Daylight Savings was not that bad in the past.  Where have I been? Am I blocking it out?  Is is because it is combined with my icky allergy situation that appears around 1am causing me to snore and hack despite the benadryl?  Also combined with annoying cats? And a husband who is also having sleep issues-including sitting up in bed, flailing about and talking in his sleep?  We also had an incredibly full weekend without 5 things on Sunday alone.  I am slammed with tiredness currently.  I tried my newish trick of a guided meditation.  Usually that revives me.  Not today.   I didn't mindlessly snack which I sometimes do when I'm exhausted.  I really tried to meditate and nap.  Still.so.flipping.tired.  I need to retrieve children from far and wide, supervise homework, feed the natives and send them to bed as soon as is reasonable.  I know that in a few days I will be adjusted.  I usually love that it stays later longer in the evening-especially now that the kids are older (it was tortuous when they were small).  But the dark mornings that seem like the middle of the night are really tough for a bit.  Deep breaths.  More water.  Off to do the child schlepping/supervising/meal making/early bedtime arranging.

What's for dinner?

That could be the name of my blog and my current life's header.  Or, "Where's my blah-blah-blah?"  or the ever popular, "MOM!!!!!! "   "When's dinner?"  "Have you seen the blah-blah-blah?"  Those are what I hear multiple times a day.  So funny.  I just needed quiet today.  I had no music.  I was just enjoying the solitude.  I really needed the quiet.  And today?  I have no idea.  It won't be a quiet day.  Lots going on:  sick kid, doctor's appointment that will not be enjoyable, I already have music going on to perk me up.  And I'm forcing myself to do more writing.  That's what I need to do every day.  I'll feel better and more productive if I have something to work on all the time.  I live in dread of someone actually reading this because it seems so "journal-ish" and private, although I do try and monitor what I say and write deeply personal things only in my diaries.  This does give me renewed appreciation for good bloggers who can be authentic without revealing too much-it's definitely a fine line.  I like being able to work out my thoughts "on paper" but sometimes it's about other people (and shouldn't be shared publicly).  And things about the kids, even if they're not super personal, it's still "their" stories and I have definitely gotten to the point where I know it's not for me to share.  (Especially as they get older.)  So then that leaves my own thoughts-and again, some of them don't exactly reflect positively on me and I don't want to be judged.  Yet I really like this format-so sometimes I just write and then delete.

A discussion at neighborhood book club the other night: being the "poor people" at the school-that's pretty funny considering we all live in houses worth 1million dollars, most of the people there have advanced degrees (including 2 MD families) and no one appears to be "struggling" in any way.  We all take nice trips, drive expensive cars and have tons of "stuff" -yet compared to some of the other  really wealthy people at the school, we are decidedly middle class.  And listening to the other women, clearly this has been a topic of conversation within their families.  I don't know if I feel immune because my kids' friends are all like us (or I know they have "less" than we have), I certainly don't feel like our family wants for anything, plus I just don't care.  I don't feel the need to keep up with other people.  And there's also the fact that I have WAY more (and my kids have much more) than I had growing up.  In retrospect, I had a perfectly fine house, we took trips, I went to a private high school and college-but it felt like we were definitely the "poorer" people.  Maybe because of my parents' insecurities regarding money and status.  And it seemed like all the other parents in Dominican were lawyers, doctors-and since neither of my parents graduated from college, I'm sure it was a weird thing.  I also can't help but realize that this is the other side of the coin from living in an expensive suburb for your kid:  there's so much homogeneity.  And everything becomes about comparison because everyone has so much.  If we all lived in a more "mixed" area, the schools would be crummy but there wouldn't be that weird feeling of consumerism and keeping up with people.

Why I love living here, an ode to Winter in Southern California:
When I see that the temperatures back in Bmore are single digits, with gusts of wind, more snow to come mid week.
When we drive to LA for the day and I get to see the Hollywood sign
The lovely consumerism that is The Grove
When we have Vietnamese food in Little Saigon
And In N Out for dinner
Walking down the street in Studio City and seeing the sidewalk signs for long ago shows and movies
Palm trees
The Sun shining
Elizabeth wearing a sundress and flip flops
The boys and Stefan in shorts and tee shirts
Flowers blooming all the time
The Pacific Ocean
No one's birthday party is ruined because it snows
The beach over President's Day weekend

Valentines Day

Seventeen years ago we went to IHOP for breakfast (I could barely fit in the booth) and then walked through that pretty neighborhood of Guilford to try and induce my labor.  Even though I wasn't due until the 16th, I had been having contractions for a month, made a trip to the hospital to be monitored, was already dilated and effaced enough that my ob told me not to labor at home, but to come right in if my contractions were strong and regular or my water broke.  The nursery had been ready for months.  The adorable clothes (some of which I had bought prior to even getting pregnant) were washed and put away in the dresser.   I used to go in, sit in the rocking chair and daydream about holding my very own baby girl.  I could.not.wait.  There was never hesitation.  I had wanted to be a mommy my entire life.  It's crazy that it's been seventeen years.  Happy birthday, baby girl.  Thank you for helping to make my dreams come true.

Hearing about other people's marriage struggles, even when your own marriage feels strong and healthy, hits some kind of painful spot.  Those couples were in love once.  They held hands.  They got excited to hear each other's voices on the phone.  They were each other's best friends. They were silly and had private jokes.  They planned to have children-were so thrilled together when they held their very own babies.  They listened to each other's work struggles.  They went out to dinner with other couples.  They bought first houses.  Put together Ikea furniture.  Struggled through sleepless nights, teething, tantrums.  And very possibly other, harder things-job losses, miscarriages, sicknesses, diagnoses, deaths of parents.  When do those things start driving a wedge?  When do the silly annoyances, "oh he's sloppy" or "she's just so negative" start adding up?  How do you go from feeling like you're a team, to feeling alone? misunderstood? not supported? cared for? To feeling like you'd rather go through the agony of tearing your family apart rather than living together in misery for another day?  Do you see it happen?  And where is the point that it's irreparable? When you just don't care to even try?  When it seems hopeless?  The older I get, the less black and white the world becomes.

What does cooking mean to me?  It's relaxing, nurturing, therapeutic.  I very rarely find it stressful.  It brings me happy memories-Nonni cooking, my mom cooking dinner while I did my homework and hung out in the kitchen.  It seems simplistic to say food is love-but in my semi-Italian family, it did.  I never liked to bake because you had to be so precise.  I am many things, but precise is not one of them.  It's my slightly rebellious and independent streak to not want to be tied down to specific directions (see also, "thinking Catholicism was a story and fiction, not reality from the time I was a small child".  I never had the beliefs to lose.  I never believed in the first place.)  I like throwing things together, improvising, reading a recipe for ideas, trying new ethnic cuisines out at restaurants and wanting to recapture the flavors, watching a cooking show to get the gist-then trying it out myself.  I just think about what I'm in the mood for, how much time I have to prepare it, what ingredients I have on hand and go for it.  It's funny because cooking is probably one of my only activities where I'm more comfortable winging it.  Usually I'm more comfortable going with a definite plan and am not spontaneous.  Which is sort of a weird juxtaposition if you think about it:  I'm a conformist but I'm not rigid and I hate being forced to do something I don't want to do, seems unreasonable or unfair.  If I could have some foods again that I don't prepare, are specific to a now defunct restaurant or long ago time-in other words, things I'll probably never eat again (just typing that out makes me feel sad):  that stuffed veal pocket Nonni used to make, also scottia (I think she may have shown Chris how to make it-I should ask him), House of Nanking's beer chicken and zucchini, chocolate mousse from Le Camembert, minestrone from Marin Joe's (they're still around though, just an airplane ride away), bagels & the accompanying spreads that Bobbie and Steve used to get, the moo shu chicken they would get (which I know you can certainly get other places, but it's never tasted the same), hot and sour soup from some Chinese restaurant in Deerfield who's name escapes me, Lemon Chicken that Lisa's parents used to get from god knows where, the pork buns from Chopsticks in San Rafael, 3 Delights (Anita's Thai Kitchen which I actually realized recently was Vietnamese not Thai, but I'm guessing it was so soon after the Vietnam War that she thought it safer to say her place was Thai), a cod and potato dish Mom made from their French cooking class (which I actually do have the recipe for but who wants to repeatedly rinse dried cod?  plus I'm fairly certain that my family would just think it was fishy, salty potato salad, so why bother?), Nonno used to bbq these ribs that were soy saucy and delicious, Amy's cornflake chicken (I'm sure that one is not tricky but whatever.  I'm sure it's better in my memory than in reality.)  She was actually a very good cook (I remember some yummy coq au vin) and definitely an appreciator of fancy, French and Italian cuisine (and Chinese-I think that was a holdover than growing up Jewish in New York), but she really made the same dishes over and over.  Sort of like her wardrobe:  talk about a capsule wardrobe.  Long sleeved silk blouses or long sleeved cotton fitted tee shirts, leather or suede slacks, high heels, and then really expensive leather or fur jackets or coats.  And lovely scarfs.  And simple, expensive jewelry.  She was funny because while she definitely looked the part of the sophisticated, cultured, really wealthy society woman-she couldn't stand most of those women.  She thought they were snobby and provincial.  But anyway, she had a formula for dressing, and cooking dinner-and both were executed pretty flawlessly.  Then she had time for other pursuits like her music.  That's what I'm enjoying about the capsule wardrobe.  I have so few things in my closet-and I think I could even get rid of more.  It's freeing.  And at Target the other day I was momentarily tempted to look through the clothes and mindlessly grab something-but then I thought, oops-I don't do that.  I have enough clothes  right now.  I'm good.  And it was fine.  I felt relieved later.  I know I need to keep purging the house.  I have so much kitchen "stuff" that I never use, and don't need.  Serving pieces and glasses that are just up in cupboards that (as much as we've entertained) never get touched! Any way-I have gotten totally off track here.  As usual.  Food.  Memories. Holidays.  It's interesting that the other day E mentioned "we should have more Jewish food."  Um, well.  Not something I grew up with .  So other than matzoh ball soup, roast chicken, matzo brie, passover brittle, brisket, mandelbrot-I'm sort of at a loss.   A lot of Ashkenazic Jewish cooking is like Eastern European cooking:  pretty awful.  If you've grown up with it you'll retain a fondness for it (hence the foodie Levines always had margarine and matzoh in their house.  Together with a sprinkling of salt: swoon.)  But since I didn't grow up with it and I'm a food snob-not too much Jewish cooking going on around here.  Occasionally at a holiday with (Jewish) friends there will be kugels.  I should try more Sephardic recipes-that would probably bridge the gap between my natural bent toward Mediterranean cooking and my kids' Jewish heritage.

If I gave myself a goal of writing 1,000 words a day for a month, what would happen?  Would I be able to do it?  Well, okay, I could fill a page with 1000 words-but would they be readable?  Would there be a glimmer of something there?  Some bit of wisdom?  Or humor?  Or would it just be trite observations to fill the pages?  I won't know unless I do it.  I'm feeling inspired by "Wild" and all the walking I've been doing.  I've also done a gossip fast and scaled way back on the screen time.  I'm trying to listen to good music.  I'm trying to keep myself from running around.  I did have really nice birthday lunches with E and D-but it seemed less frenetic than it's felt.  And last night's dinner was really fun.  Usually I enjoy being at our home more than being over at other people's because then I don't worry about the boys and what they're up to.  If it's our house I don't care if they're loud, crazy, make a (bigger) mess.  However, it was so nice to just bake challah and mandelbrot and show up for the whole rest of the meal.  It seemed so luxurious to be walking, then reading, then taking a long shower and leisurely getting ready versus running around like a mad woman making dinner and trying to make things "pretty."  And worrying that I'll do shabbat "wrong" somehow.  Even after all these years.  I like to see how other people do it.  Candles on the dinner table.  Then the blessing over the wine.  Then the blessing over the bread.  And putting all the food out on the table and passing it around.  I've done buffet style for years.  Maybe because our kids were always little and handing hot platters around seemed daunting.  But it was nice.  I should switch it up a bit.  I hope they didn't find us too much.  Because .  .  .  I know sometimes she'll talk about other people and I don't want to be them:  the ones who's kids are awful, messy, bug the dogs.  I think I need to get over that.  It's not really trusting your friends if you think they're dissing you behind your back.  I think overall the kids were good.  They were polite.  Nobody's perfect-but they are sweet, well mannered kids.  However, it made me realize that their table manners need work!  I kind of knew that but somehow they'd pull it out if we were out.  They need to learn to cut their food!  That's a lot of pressure you put on yourself and them.  You do realize this?  The only time I've found other kids rude is when they've announced they're "bored" or there's "nothing to do."  Or if they've really intentionally trashed something (or gone into our bedroom) or let out our cats :).  Other than that (and it still hasn't stopped friendships or social gatherings) I'm really easy going.  I think that's one of my best qualities.  I love to host.  I love to entertain.  I am pretty social for an introvert.  But I need to keep my spaces too.  Like today being wide open:  so nice and regenerating.  Tomorrow we have plans.  But today-ahhh.

January

I've been much better about writing more, reading actual books, doing projects like closet organizing and capsule wardrobing,  and cutting back on the internet nonsense.  I've been listening to the classical station in the car-not junky pop music.  No celeb gossip sites in weeks.  I am going to cut back on the online stuff even more-even the "good stuff"-because even that becomes a time sink.  Here I am.  I have the answers for myself if I sit quietly and listen.  Or walk outside and look around without all the noise.  I want to simplify more.  I want to just be.  Breathe in and out.  Breaths like the waves.  One of my best memories is going to the beach alone to recharge after a rough night with a sick kid.  Sitting at the Self Realization Gardens is the best.  I love the guided meditations on you-tube.  Even right now.  Gabie's in bed, the older kids are with Stef clustered around the computer playing WOW.  It feels peaceful.  Quiet time.  I need to make sure I am getting enough of that.  I've spent a lot of time over the last few years establishing us here.  I have made friends.  I've volunteered.  I did some work on starting a business.  I was out and about a lot.  I was presenting myself as someone who is connected, who has a lot of friends, a lot of plans.  But sometimes the stuff or people I was filling my time with were not necessarily "my kind of thing."  I need to keep remember my Word of the Year:  Nurture.  Let that be my guide.  Also-not every moment has to be planned.  The weekends could be more laid back and not so filled. (although if I don't plan, we end up at home around screens-so I do need to give us some activities.)  Part of that is in reaction to what feels like years of wasted time we could have been doing "more" when we lived back east-like museums and sightseeing.  Of course remember that most of the time I was pregnant and/or had really small children.  It's hard to do stuff all the time with little kids.  Plus with S's career at the time-the last thing he wanted to do on the weekends was to be on the go.

On trying new things . . . simultaneously (dreading-hello, tennis) and having a blast (hello, tennis)

One thing I know I am not good at is pushing myself OUT of my comfort zone:  the Heidi Bubble.  I feel pulled (probably because I'm an introvert) toward just being home in sweats cooking and listening to music and taking "book breaks".  Yet I am well aware that the best things I've ever experienced, most of the friends I've made since moving to San Diego, the "fun", the "zany", the "cool"-are all from pushing myself to get out there and try different things.  I think this past year was the realization that if I do too much of the pushing though, I end up exhausting myself.  I made myself crabby, and then overate to try and calm down/numb/avoid.  I just need to recognize that I need quiet breaks.  I can't be on the go all the time.  Every day I need to build in time for me to be alone, to regenerate, to meditate, to close my eyes, to breathe.  I have made friends, gotten involved in activities, gotten the kids involved in things-I don't need to push so hard right now.  I can maintain, enjoy, and recharge daily.